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Time to talk about The Bachelorette! Last week’s episode ended with a confrontation between the Lukes (Luke P and the other Luke whose last initial I've already forgotten). Last night's episode opened with the group at a cocktail party still in Rhode Island. Luke P is surrounded by his haters and he either doesn't realize how much the guys dislike him or he really doesn't give a rat's ass. He has clearly adopted the classic "I'm not here to make friends" attitude. Other Luke was outfoxed by his dim-witted namesis. He quickly realized there could only be one Luke and decided to go home and work on his tequila company. He pulled Hannah aside before she could start handing out boutonniere's, used the manners his mama taught him, said thank you for having me and just walked away. Awkward. And then that damn Chris Harrison sneaked into the room and snagged one of the roses off the table. Wait. What???? Why not just go with the flow and give that rose to another guy?
Ultimately, Hannah eliminated a couple of guys I had never seen before (seriously, I think they were just seat fillers like they have at awards shows) and JPJ. John Paul Jones, the show’s most irreverent, confusing contestant, meme-generator and best floppy hair award winner. This is the man who taught himself how to ride a unicycle in a half-hour, the man who happily ate chicken nuggets as drama unfolded around him and screamed like a girl when he was hooked up to the labor simulator. Why wasn't there a #SaveJPJ movement last night? The producers had already booked flights and hotel rooms in Scotland and could’ve brought him along. There was no #Justice4JPJ and KJ was devastated. She said she's going to slide into JPJ's DM's and say something witty like, "meet your future wife." Ha! Ha! Ha!
But here’s the part that makes me the most mad: Other Luke, you could have had a free trip to Scotland! Obviously, Other Luke thought he was going to get eliminated and wanted to save himself the humiliation. But for some reason known only to Other Luke himself, he couldn't just let it ride and ended up losing out on an all expenses paid trip to Scotland! A week of free food and free drinks totally wasted. A free trip to Scotland! They have castles and scotch and great accents and scotch and beautiful scenery and scotch!
Hannah’s first date of the week was with Mike. Nothing particularly special happened—they just walked around Scotland, exploring little stores and tasting scotch and visiting a pub. Have I mentioned Mike has an amazing smile?
One of their first stops was at a bookstore where Hannah picked up two distinct items that she was not quite sure how to interact with. It was like Alien Hannah was dropped onto Earth in the middle of Inverness Scotland and she wandered aimlessly into a book store.
First, she picked up a book and smelled it. This kind of makes sense—old books can have deep, rich, musty smells. Maybe she’s into that. I mean, I totally am. But usually you inspect books by looking at them. You know, judging their covers. And she made a stupid comment about the smell of fresh books. Girl, those were not fresh books.
Next, she picked up an egg and held it to her ear. Like a seashell. Did anyone else think it was weird that a bookstore had a bunch of eggs in a basket? Anyone? I don't know what the hell she was thinking. Maybe she was nervous on her date with Mike? I go back and forth with this girl. Some times I think she's adorable and spunky and other times I think she's a flaming idiot. Last week she couldn't complete a coherent thought regarding the Boston Tea Party, but this week she's an expert on Mary Queen of Scots and the tumultuous relationship between England and Scotland? I don't think so.
This week’s group date tried to go for a Scottish vibe by staging a cheesy edition of the Highland Games which showed off their athletic prowess (think "Hot Men in Kilts" kind of calendar shoot). The contestants took part in axe throwing, a yoke race where the men carried two full buckets of milk and wrestling. The inaccuracies of these "Games" killed me. The Highland Games are a real thing and axe throwing nor milk racing are legitimate events. The big event at the Highland Games is the caber toss, where you throw a big log. There are also a lot of other events that involve tossing heavy stuff and a tug-of-war (which could’ve made sense as a Bachelorette activity). But axe tossing? That’s the new preferred unsafe activity of drunk hipsters across the nation. They could’ve done that in America (like I did a couple of weeks ago @ Corky's!). Meanwhile, last week’s episode in Rhode Island featured rugby (which BTW, is not the official sport of Rhode Island). The guys should’ve gone axe-throwing in Rhode Island and played rugby in Scotland. Or at the very least, they could’ve tried throwing a big-ass log while wearing their kilts. And what was with the guy who spilled milk all over himself?
Hannah gives the only Luke left a one-on-one date. Hannah wants him to be "the one" so badly (it's not her heart talking, it's her libido) but he's such an ass. Hannah has said that her relationship with Luke is stronger than her relationship with anybody else. Unfortunately, Luke has handled every interaction with every other person so poorly that just five episodes in, he’s in serious jeopardy of getting kicked off the show. When he gets the boot, it's going to be spectacular. It's going to be a dumpster fire and I'm here for it. Their date went so badly, Hannah decided she couldn’t bring herself to give him a rose.
On the date, she explained that while his "all-for-Hannah strategy" might seem like the politically correct thing to do or say, she’s actually getting rather disturbed by the fact that nobody likes him. She’s looking for someone who’s friendly, someone whom “people are drawn to,” someone where “what’s inside is appealing.” In response, Luke dug deep and busted out his worst line yet: “Everyone I’ve ever met, every place, every school I’ve ever been, everyone loves me.” Hannah groaned. Luke kept going. “I hate saying it, but it’s the truth. I hate talking about myself!”
The sad thing is, Luke is probably right. I'll bet most people (most women with a pulse and probably a lot of men) initially love him. He’s extremely handsome and athletic. Not surprisingly, people want to be friends with hot athletic people. Luke seems to have adopted a strategy of saying whatever it is he thinks the person he’s talking to wants to hear. He's smooth. He knows he's good looking so sure, it’s very possible that the focus groups he’s conducted on himself have come back with positive results. When Hannah says, “I want a guy who’s friends with people and hasn’t alienated everybody,” he thinks the right thing to tell her is “I’m actually extremely cool and popular everywhere I go.” It was clear Hannah was telling him that the toxic atmosphere in the house raised questions about his character. But in his mind, he heard “She wants a popular guy, sweet! I should tell her how cool I am!”
About 15 times during their interaction, Hannah tried to tell Luke that he was blowing it by talking to her in Bachelorette-speak—broad, diplomatic, meaningless tropes about how he’s “fighting for her” and how he “won’t give up on her” and stuff like that. She asked him to plainly speak to her like a person, about the things he likes, the things he dislikes, and how he’s feeling. It’s a pretty great moment of television: Hannah (who no speaks the words too good) tells Luke that she wants to have an actual connection and not an empty relationship filled with lines that sound good on reality TV. Luke is simply incapable of doing it. He just doesn't get it. He's a people pleaser. It’s why he told Hannah he loved her from the get go. It’s why every guy in the house thinks he’s a liar. He tells the guys what they want to hear but then tells Hannah what she wants to hear. Poor Luke isn’t even smart enough to even realize what “the right thing to say” is. What a tragedy. Hannah was taken by Luke’s extremely attractive outside, but eventually realized there was nothing inside. He's just an empty, good looking shell. No substance.
