Tuesday, July 30, 2019

I think everyone in Bachelor Nation breathed a little easier last night knowing they did not have to see or hear Luke P.  Which is good for Bachelorette fans.  Unfortunately, for Hannah, her decisions aren’t getting any easier.  Also, unfortunately for Hannah, her gown at the rose ceremony was horrible.  Like, bad prom dress from 2007 horrible.  And her hair was a hot mess.  And the jewelry was off. 

Last night was part one of the season finale.  I was bored once she had her rose ceremony and started playing Plants vs. Zombies on my phone.  The episode started off with Pete the Pilot, Tyler C and Big Head Jed still standing at that rose ceremony in Crete.  Luke P has been escorted off but Hannah still only has two roses to hand out and she’s still not sure she’s making the right choice. She walks out to face her “three amazing men” and rambles about how “blessed” she is to know them all. 

But it’s decision time: She hands her first rose to Jed (W.  T.  F????), who happily accepts. Keep in mind, Big Head Jed is the only contestant she’s told she’s falling in love with so far. She dabs away a tear before handing her second and final rose to… Tyler C! That means Pete the Pilot is going home.  Again -- W.  T.  F????  This would make one believe that their night in the windmill wasn't as great as it sounded, huh?  More on that later. 

Hannah fights back sobs as she walks Peter out, telling him he’s “the dream guy."  I'm so confused already and we're less than 10 minutes into the show.  If he's your dream guy, why is he going home?  He puts on a brave face and tells her she’ll always have “a piece of my heart.” But even he breaks down in tears before getting in the car, giving her a final hug and kiss.  On the car ride home (or maybe to the airport?  Did Pete the Pilot have to fly himself back to the States?) he admits “it hurts like a bitch” but he doesn’t blame Hannah. He still loves her… and she’s still sobbing amid the Grecian ruins.  There’s probably some Freudian analysis of the fact that she sent home the only dude she bragged about having sex with.

We then get a mini “After the Final Rose,” with Peter reliving his heartbreak in front of a live studio audience. He recounts how he first fell in love with Hannah while they were watching fireworks in Latvia and admits he’s still hung up on her. Hannah joins him to tell him “there wasn’t anything wrong” with their relationship but she “was falling for two other guys, too” and “had to follow my heart.” Peter wants to know what moment changed things for her. Hannah says there wasn’t really one moment … but she can find something if you just let her. Hannah tells him that her love language is “Words of Affirmation” and he should have read that weird book before he went on the season. She does wish he would’ve told her how he felt a little sooner, though. 
Finally, Hannah says that she actually lied to Luke about her time in the windmill with Peter and she wants to set the record straight. Hannah spends a lot of time this episode being honest about something that literally no one requires her to be honest about. She tells us that she and Peter had sex four times in the windmill. No Freudian analysis needed. I think Hannah sent Peter home because they had no time to talk about anything important or emotional.

When Hannah reveals she was “scared of letting go of the perfect guy,” an audience member shouts out, “You did!” (I think that might have been Peter's cute mom throwing some shade).  Chris Harrison can’t resist throwing in a windmill joke and Hannah confesses that she wasn’t totally truthful when she said they did it twice in that windmill.  “It was actually four times.”  And Peter’s parents applaud! That’s my boy!  Chris Harrison chides Hannah for talking about sex in front of Barb, Peter’s mom. But then he stands up and salute’s Peter’s dad and says that he must be puffing out his chest because his son can do it four times a night.  Look.  I'm no prude and talk openly about sex with both of my adult children.  However, this sums up America’s entire attitude toward sex. It’s that double-edged sword -- if a woman has multiple partners or enjoys sex, she's a slut.  If a man has multiple partners or can get it up four times in one night in a windmill, he's a stud.  

Back in Crete Hannah is still deciding between Tyler C and Big Head Jed and prepares to introduce the two remaining contesticles to meet her family.   Hannah sets up her date with Tyler by telling her family that she told Tyler she didn’t want to go to pound town in the fantasy suite and he was cool with it! She also says that she doesn’t know if she’s in love with Tyler or falling in lust with him.

Sweet, thoughtful manly-man dancing general contractor Tyler shows up with flowers and the way Hannah gazes into his eyes, it looks like Jed doesn’t stand a chance. Hannah’s mom is charmed by him, too, (duh!) and even her dad is won over by the restraint he showed in the fantasy suite. Hannah’s dad was ready to risk it all for Tyler. I think Mr. Brown may have a little man-crush on Tyler and who can blame him?  Hannah admits to her mom she could see herself getting engaged to Tyler.  And, in a private moment, Hannah Bannanas tells Tyler she’s “been falling in love with” him. So he just pulled dead even with Jed.  "I never thought I'd be this excited about Tyler," Hannah says. W.  T.  F???? 

Tyler absolutely STUNS her family and it’s not even fair. Tyler tells her parents that he wants to be her biggest cheerleader and for Hannah to be his wife and the mother of his children. After his date, Hannah tells him that she didn’t let herself feel her feelings for him and was convinced she didn’t love him but was only in lust with him.
Up next is Jed’s time to meet the family. Hannah starts the day very nervous and she hopes that her family sees Jed the way she does. Red flag!  You’re always hoping that people are going to like the guys you like. That’s not a good sign. They should be likable on their own.
Jed warms up the family by telling them that he’s a musician and that’s the path he’s chosen but that Hannah is pretty great, too. He says that he’s only got the purest extensions for Hannah. Oh, sorry, purest INTENTIONS. The lines of human romance he wrote on his hand got smudged while he was practicing one of his myriad other skills. Listen, I’m not saying that all of Jed’s lines are rehearsed. What I’m saying is that they’re POORLY rehearsed.

Jed has a chance to sneak ahead with his own meet-the-parents moment, but when he announces he’s a musician, Hannah’s mom looks… skeptical? Her dad asks how Jed plans to “provide” for his daughter, and Jed tries to reassure him by telling him he’s signed a deal to write, wait for it, a dog food jingle! Jed says, and I quote, “I want to have many facets of income and backup plans.” What kind of unemployed-fuckboy bullshit is this? Jed’s biggest accomplishment is writing a dog-food jingle. Name literally any dog-food jingle. Dog food doesn’t have jingles.

“They don’t think I’m adequate or something,” Jed whines in a confessional, while Hannah’s mom warns her about his Nashville “lifestyle.” Hannah bristles a bit at their less-than-glowing feedback “Now I’m freaking out.”
Hannah’s mom can’t help but compare Jed and Tyler, and she says that Jed has qualities.  Hannah’s dad says Jed didn’t exactly give him “direct answers” to his questions, and starts spewing some “man of the house” stuff.  Unfortunately, Hannah’s dad brings all this up because he thinks the man should be doing the providing and he shouldn’t rely on the woman.  OK.  This is where I got really annoyed.  Hannah B's season was all about her rebelling against the patriachary.  She's fierce!  She's had sex in a windmill!  And Jesus still loves her!  Go Hannah!  You are a shining example of a modern woman and a wonderful role model to young girls every where!  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  And yet here's your dad acting like a caveman.  And at this point, in my humble opinion, your dad is no better than Luke P with his antiquated thinking.  Even more unfortunately, Hannah’s rebuttal is that she’s got all the talents, too. Do we even know what Hannah does for a living?  I read somewhere that's she's a "very" successful interior designer.  Just say you want to be an Instagram influencer and let’s be done with it.

 When Jed comforts her, she tells him how great things went with Tyler C. and her family, confessing: “I’m now confused.” Jed tries to remind her that “we know what we have,” but Hannah is still nervous: “Two people are in my heart at the same time, and I don’t want to make the wrong decision.”

And Hannah’s family does that very annoying thing where they repeatedly say that marriage is “one and done” for them. Yeah. It is for everybody. No one is going into a marriage thinking they’re going to get divorced. Even the shittiest, worst couple you know who hate each other thinks marriage is forever. 

She has one more date with each guy.  She tortures poor Tyler with another horseback riding date and they enjoy a hilltop picnic.  It all seems sweet and effortless. Like how a date should be.  She smiles so hard her earrings pop off.  That night, they talk about making a life together and having a family.  When it’s Jed’s turn, they head out on a boat together through some choppy waters (metaphor alert!).  Our girl gets seasick (which is totally sexy and romantic) and they both admit how uneasy they are about where things stand. And now the reality that she has to let one of these guys go is hitting her straight in the face.  Along with all the nausea.  Hannah and Jed's date left me with a couple of questions:  why didn't he offer to hold her hair back while she was blowing chunks off the boat and why was he wearing a leather belt with no shirt? 

At dinner, Hannah and Jed still seem anxious and awkward together.  They’re definitely setting this up to be an easy Tyler win, right?  Hannah goes outside because she’s freaking out and Jed tries to comfort her. I noticed that every time Jed goes to comfort Hannah, he says something like “You know how I feel” or “You know I believe in us.” He doesn’t actually offer how he feels or how much he believes in their relationship. He’s asking her to remember that he does. It’s probably a nervous tic, but he does it so much. He doesn’t generate or offer a single feeling, at least not a new one. She knows what they have. What do they have? Unclear.

Compare that to how Tyler talks to and about her. He says he feels like a giddy little kid and that he wants her to be safe, protected, and loved. He also says he wants to argue with her in Home Depot about paint colors. That is true fucking love.
Meanwhile, she vomits while on a boat with Jed and he complains that her dad didn’t let him explain how he has a system to turn $1,000 into $10,000 and it’s not a pyramid scheme. Hannah and Jed spend the entire day portion of the date talking about the treacherous seas and rough waters ahead … on the catamaran. Yeah, on the boat.

Eventually, Hannah comes out live on stage to say the last two months have been “really tough and emotional” and refers to “all the rumors out there,” saying she needs “a lot of answers” (??) from someone tomorrow night. Hannah and Chris stare directly into the camera and let us know that some bullshit has been going down and they’re going to get to the bottom of it. Chris Harrison teases, “What happened after we stopped filming?"  The episode wraps up with an ominous warning from Chris Harrison that we all should get some sleep.

My final thoughts: 
  • how come Demi and the other girl knew all about the contestant in the beginning who had a girlfriend but didn't know about Jed???? 
  • does Hannah ultimately choose Jed but then finds out about the alleged girlfriend or his real intentions (to promote his musical career)? 
  • if she does choose Jed, does she eventually realize she screwed  up and tries to go back with Pete or Tyler? 
  • if that's the case, I personally do not believe she deserves either Pete or Tyler.  I hope they both tell her off.  Pete nor Tyler deserve to be someone's sloppy seconds. 
  • does Pete the Pilot become the next Bachelor?
  • or maybe it's Mike the Man with the great smile? 
  • where does all of this leave Tyler? 
  • how is John Paul Jones' hair holding up in the heat and humidity while filming Bachelor in Paradise??

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