Heartbreak Hacienda

Lots of heartbreak last night on BIP.  Poor Hannah.  Poor Derek.  Poor Dylan.  Poor Cam.  Poor Clay. 

According to Demi, everyone thinks she and Derek are the strongest couple in Paradise.  And why wouldn’t they? The guy is willing to smell her stinky armpit.  That's true love right there.  Like when my husband asks me to smell the container of sour cream because he thinks it's bad.  It's called "sour" cream for a reason honey. 

But Demi is feeling “conflicted” about their relationship because she’s still thinking about the woman she was dating before she came to Paradise. Though she’s not yet ready to tell Derek what’s bothering her, she does confide in Katie. “I’ve been dating a woman back home,” she says. “I do miss her and I think about her all the time.” Being on Paradise, Demi adds, was a way for her to “figure out stuff” about herself. “I’m always afraid of how people are going to take it,” says Demi, tearing up. “There’s layers to me… This is about me embracing that side of me.”

Demi recently told her parents that she “likes boys and girls,” and they supported her. That’s nice to hear, especially since Demi says she’s been surrounded by people who made her feel “really bad” and “unworthy” her whole life.

Having failed to talk to Hannah during her dance lesson with Blake, Dylan manages to pull her aside the next day for a WTF chat. “I just don’t see why you’re so open to other things right now if we’re doing so well,” he says.  Honestly, he's got to go.  Just go already.  Hannah insists that she owes it to herself to stay “open-minded.”  "I feel like I don't know something," he says. And there it is folks.  Hannah G casually mentions that there is one other thing: Before Paradise, Blake flew to see Hannah in Birmingham.  Uninvited but apparently not unwelcome. Apparently, Blake told her, "In order to show you who I am, I booked a flight to Birmingham." “Like, we kissed there,” says Hannah.  At this news, Dylan just walks away. Poor Dylan!  Keep walking buddy.  Keep walking. 
“This is just like the ultimate slap in the face,” he moans. And Tayshia is having none of it.  She's pissed that Hannah didn’t mention Blake’s little visit before her date with him last week. She said she and Hannah bonded over being blindsided by Colton Underwood on The Bachelor. This being the case, Tayshia thinks Hannah should have told her about her previous connection to Blake before Tayshia went on a date with him on the first night.

When confronted though, Hannah claims that Blake’s trip to Birmingham was a “private thing” and she didn’t tell anyone “out of respect for him.” On top of that, she feels “attacked” by Tayshia. “I feel like she Mean Girled me,” she whispers.  And she is 100% right.  Tayshia was being a salty bitch.  Stay in your lane Tayshia.

 

Some guy named Dean’s here.  He homeless and unemployed.  He sometimes showers in lakes and rivers.  “You are a catch!” jokes Harrison. “What woman wouldn’t want to lock you down?” And he's sporting a ridiculous porn-stache.  “It’s a little ‘70s,” says the Chris Harrison.  “Like you might be shooting videos in the Valley somewhere.” (That’s where they used to shoot porn, kids). 

After chatting with Katie, Onyeka, and his Paradise ex Kristina, Dean sits down with Caelyn, who is, in his words, “an absolute mess right now.” You see, earlier that afternoon, Kristina rather cluelessly had a conversation with Wells about Caelyn, even though Caelyn was sitting right next to her. The beauty queen is understandably annoyed at Kristina for “spreading my business to every guy on this beach.” And she also mentions something about being slut shamed.  Still, she pulls it together long enough to say yes when Dean asks her on a date.  Though Caelyn says she’s “very guarded” going into her date with Dean (“he has a reputation”), that guard comes down pretty quick and she still manages to kick back a margarita or two. 

On their date, Dean said he was ashamed of how he acted on Paradise before, and that he would never do it again. But Caelyn said she was very intrigued by Dean and his lifestyle, which is aimless traveling. He openly has no ambitions and no foresight. Caelyn loves it. Caelyn is 23. She loves how honest he is about who he is. "He's enigmatic and mysterious," she said. Oh, Caelyn. Ah, youth. This new development between Caelyn and Dean leaves Mike The Man and Cam out in the cold, at least for now. "I think the Caelyn ship has sailed,” sighs Cam sadly. “It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”  The poor guy is suicidal. 

And then some guy named Christian showed up.  I will call him Rico Suave from now on.  Who's Christian, you ask? “He was a night-one guy on Becca’s season,” explains Jordan, the self proclaimed Mayor of Paradise.  “Stood by the meatballs the whole night and was just the guy with the mustache.” And apparently Jordan doesn't approve of Rico Suave's choice of footwear either.  “He wore athletic shoes to Paradise,” says Jordan, appalled. “Like, on entrance.”  "Go buy a pair of espadrilles you fucking asshole," says Jordan when Christian shows up to the beach in running shoes. For the record, espadrilles are a great beach look.  And kudos to Jordan for knowing what espadrilles are.  That modeling gig is really paying off. 

Now Rico Suave is hoping to secure another 15 minutes by romancing Nicole. And she LOVES it. “I was kind of expecting her to maybe say no because she already had a good connection she already had a good connection here,” says Clay. “But she didn’t, and she agreed to go on a date with him.”
And it’s going to be hard for Clay to compete with Rico Suave because the new guy is totally Nicole’s type. “He reminds me of a man I would have dated in Miami… I just met him and he’s already making me feel like he’s my boyfriend.” Well if that's the case, maybe you should have just stayed in Miami???  Nicole has now been on three dates, which leads her to declare, "I feel like the Bachelorette!" It's very cute, even though the shit is about to hit the fan.

 

Poor Clay. Might be time to start packing. “I worry that he’s a little too passive,” says Nicole. “What I like about Christian is he’s totally unafraid to just go for it.” She wants a man who’s going to be (respectfully) assertive about getting her attention, and she tells Clay as much. “You definitely have the opportunity to pull me aside,” she says. “I had a good time on today’s date mostly just because Christian was really assertive, and that’s kind of a quality I do like.”

Clay quickly gets a chance to prove how assertive he can really be. Rico Suave strolls up to the day bed, drink in hand, and announces that he wants to finish his date with Nicole. “She’s all yours tomorrow, if that’s what she wants,” he says. Clay begs to differ. “Your date’s over when you come back to Paradise,” he says calmly. “You had a date, and your date’s over.”

Nicole looks like she can’t decide if she loves it that two grown men are fighting over her, or if she’s mortified that two grown men are fighting over her. But she for sure doesn’t like it when Rico Suave puts her on the spot by asking her to settle the dispute. “I’m just catching up with [Clay] now,” she says. Finally, Rico Suave walks back to the bar, where he and the lizard crawling up his shirt have some much-needed quiet time.

 

Next week we'll see the rose ceremony but Chris Harrison does the numbers for those of us who are mathematically challenged:  “The numbers are even worse this week. Nine of you ladies, thirteen guys here. Four men are going home tonight.” You heard the man, folks — get to work!

 

At the cocktail party, there's a lot of flirting going on. Mike The Man is getting to know Sydney.  His move involves bringing her a banana split sundae and praising her “core values.”  I can't figure this girl out.  She looks bored to death on the show (as she did on Colton's season).  She looks too smart to be on this type of reality show.  Katie and Chris are still hanging out. And, most importantly, John Paul Jones has memorized lines from Romeo and Juliet to recite to Tayshia, who he calls "hands down the most beautiful girl here." His recital doesn't go so smoothly, but it wins Tayshia — and Bachelor Nation — over. No one saw this coming, including Tayshia.  She LOVES it. “Usually guys that talk like him don’t have a brain like him,” she purrs. Tayshia was into his intellectual surfer dude vibe.

Demi has no doubt that she wants to give her rose to Derek, but first she needs to tell him the truth about her love life: “I have, like, been casually dating someone, and… it’s a woman.” Derek doesn’t flinch, so Demi plows forward, telling him that she’s still “very much interested” in dating him, provided he has no issues with her revelation. Derek truly seems unfazed, though he is a little worried that Demi might have stronger feelings for the woman back home than she does for him. The two agree to take it slow, and all is right with the world. “How he handled it was so perfect,” gushes Demi. “He exceeded my expectations entirely.”

                                                                                                                          

Over on another daybed, the battle for Nicole rages on. Rico Suave sets up a little beachside rendezvous complete with champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and… a piñata? Okay. Clay watches from afar and decides that he needs to interrupt Rico Suave's romantic tableau. If Nicole wants him to be more assertive, he’ll be more assertive dammit!  But when he tries to “steal” Nicole for a minute, Rico Suave puffs his chest up and barks, “I’m not gonna let you take her!” Nicole looks so uncomfortable, Clay backs down, much to the chagrin of the other guys — especially Jordan. In an effort to avenge his friend, the pot-stirring model jogs over to where Rico Suave and Nicole are sitting and tries to yank the piñata down. It does not go over well.  Rico Suave tries to stop him and that's how the big fight happens. It moves very quickly from a little shove over the piñata to a full on wrestling match. The episode ends before the fight is even over.

This episode leaves us with several few questions:

• Who are you rooting for in the Clay-Nicole-Christian triangle?
• Why aren't more of the ladies into Mike Johnson?  They all seem to like him, but he's not really dating anyone. Are they all part of a plan to make him Bachelor? ~Conspiracy!~
• Is it possible that Tayshia is truly into John Paul Jones?
• Would you date an unemployed van-dweller with a porn-star mustache? 
• Why is everyone so upset with my girl Hannah G when Nicole and Caelyn have each gone on several dates?  And Caelyn clearly only kissed ABCam just to get a rose and keep the free vacay going. 
• Why was JPJ sleeping in the pool and why isn't he getting more airtime dammit?????!!!!!