BIP

As I was new to The Bachelor and the Bachelorette, I am a first-timer when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise.  The first time I had heard about the show was when there was some inappropriate behavior and filming was stopped.  IDK the particulars so I will just leave it at that. 

Here's a list of the Bachelor In Paradise 2019 players if you need a quick recap: 
https://ftw.usatoday.com/2019/08/bachelor-in-paradise-2019-cast-guide-photos

Last night was episode #3 (or, the first episode of week #2 -- the show airs on Monday's and Tuesday's) and consists of, for lack of a better word, the "unchosen" from previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  IDK what they call the people on BIP.  Are they called the "cast?"  Are they called "daters" or "former" Bachelors or Bachelorettes?  Someone enlighten me please! 

This show is weird to me on so many levels.  Similar to the Bachelor or Bachelorette, I've noticed that several "contestants" have mentioned that their goal is to be engaged by the end of the show.  Much like The Amazing Race or Survivor, everyone seems to have a plan going in.  Like Survior, "the unchosen" go home after each rose ceremony.  Unlike the Amazing Race, the "contestants" don't seem to do much.  They just kind of hang around the house (which is insane BTW) and wait to go on dates.  It's reminds me of a harem or the minors.  Everyone one is just lounging around until they get called up to the big leagues.  The "unchosen" have obviously watched previous seasons and know in advance who they are attracted to and interested in.  A couple of unexpected/unannounced "contestants" are also thrown into the mix to liven things up.  Last night we saw Mike the Man from Hannah Bannanas season show up and some tool named Jordan.  Holy shit.  That guy is a total ass clown. More on him later. 

Let's talk about the two Instagram-feuding "contestants" Blake and Caelynn (Caeylnn, IMHO is a trouble-maker.  I do not like her).  After being portrayed as a bed-hopping, music-festival man-whore on last week’s episodes, Blake took to social media to defend himself. He released texts from Caelynn which he says proved they were both just looking for a no-strings-attached hookup. She, in turn, spoke out and said those texts were “not an accurate representation” of their relationship.  Whatever.  They both behaved badly and she came on the show to make him look bad.  They are both idiots. 

There was a rose ceremony last night and Derek (IDK who this guy is) gives his rose to Demi which she accepts with a lusty, “Yeah, bitch!”  Kind of anti-climatic for me since it was leaked that Demi has a girlfriend back home.  Clay gives his rose to Nicole (who was so, so whiney on Colton's season; I think she cried every episode she was in).  Wills (IDK who this guy is) gives his rose to Katie and Kevin gives his rose to Sydney (IDK who either of these people are).  My personal favorite, JPJ gives his rose to Onyeka and ABC Cam gives his rose to Caelynn.  Caelynn clearly made out with him last just to get rose and not be "eliminated."  I do not like her.  Before Blake has his big chance, Dylan gives his rose to Hannah.  Blake, in turn, gives his rose to Tayshia.  Tayshia took Blake's rose only because she wants to stay for the free vacay.  "I'm not a backup plan, and that's what he thinks I am," she says in her confessional. "So, Blake who?"  Contestant Chris gives his rose to Kristina. That means Jane (I think she was the one who tried to kill JPJ last week with poisoned tacos), Bibiana, and Annaliese (IDK who any of these people are) have been eliminated, must extinguish their torches and leave the island at once. 

 

Jordan, the self-proclaimed “Mayor of Paradise,” arrives to a less-than-enthusiastic reception (“Don’t everybody get up at once to meet me!” he jokes).  Even with a date card in hand, poor Jordan can’t get anyone to go out with him.  First, Jordan chats up Hannah; she’s a model too, so Jordan thinks they could be a “Barbie and Ken” power couple. She tells him his eyes are "bomb"; he tells her "You're cuter than I imagined"; and together they recap all the Blake drama. "[Blake's] putting his spoon in all the pudding," Jordan declares. "But this is my beach." He decides to go ahead and ask Hannah on a date and she says "yes."  The whole convo was weird and kind of like rapid-fire dating.  It was like an interrogation or a shady back alley business deal.  The guy is slimy and very full of himself. 

 

Next, he pulls Nicole aside, and when she tells him that she works as a writer, his response is absurd perfection: “I love words.” Once he starts hearing about all of Blake’s pre-Paradise shenanigans, though, Jordan gets distracted from his date mission and asks Kristina to give him the full scoop on the Stagecoach drama. “Blake one-nighted both of these gals like they were a couple of milk cartons at lunch!” he marvels. “You can’t do that, buddy!” 

 

Unfortunately for Jordan, Hannah has a change of heart.  Hannah realized that having two men after her (Dylan and Blake) was more than enough already.  The c–k-blocked Jordan channels all of his irritation in Blake’s direction. “I didn’t come to Blake in Paradise season 1,” he grumbles. “This is Bachelor in Paradise season 6!” To that end, the male model (?) pulls Blake aside to air his grievances, Festivus-style. “I know you. You are better than this,” he tells Blake. “It’s gonna get real crazy if there’s eight girls here saying they’re seeing you. It does not look good.”

On to his Paradise Plan B: Nicole! Jordan tells her that he “respects” her connection with Clay, but that doesn’t mean they can’t go on a date and have some fun, right? Right! Nicole is definitely into Clay, but she also can’t resist the spotlight of attention that a Paradise date brings. “I went from going on zero one-on-one dates on The Bachelor to going on, like, two back-to-back one-on-one dates,” she says with a giggle. “I’m the Bachelorette in Paradise!”  She's an idiot.  Little does Nicole know that Jordan tells the camera and all of Bachelor Nation that she wasn't his first choice. 

Clay handles it well. “In basketball, if you’re open for a shot… and somebody comes out of nowhere and swats it, you can’t be like, ‘Bro, why’d you block my shot?’ That’s the name of the game.”  He goes on to do a bunch of sports analogies like ice being slippery and a some other babble.  All of the women force fake laughter.  Jordan and Nicole have a good time ziplining. Doesn’t Nicole look like she’s having fun????  To be fair, that helmet-cam angle is not very flattering. Even though she had fun on her date with Jordan, Nicole returns to the beach and heads right back into Clay’s arms. “There’s no comparison,” she says, smooching him.

Cam has been laser-beam focused on Caelynn since before he came to Paradise. “Before I was even on The Bachelorette, I wanted her to be my Bachelorette,” he says. “It’s very surreal to think that in a very short period of time, I could be proposing to Caelynn.”  Whoa.  Just Whoa.  Slow your roll, buddy. Caelynn just needed a rose this week.  And she definitely does not need you to read her a two-page handwritten note about how into her you are. Sample line: “I licked my lower lip, and your jalapeno-rita spice still lingered and brought me such joy.”  She looked less than thrilled and not very nice as her read his love letter.  I do not like her. 

                               

Fortunately for us all, help is on the way!  Mike Johnson, owner of the best smile in Bachelor Nation and the man who many of us would like to see as the next Bachelor, has arrived. Cam is bummed because, in his mind, Mike is the reason Hannah Brown sent him home on The Bachelorette. 

Though Onyeka is clearly infatuated with Mike, he asks Caelynn on the date instead. Cam is devastated — a little too devastated, to be honest. “I was born to be a husband, I was born to be a father,” he says tearfully. “It’s gonna happen… I just want it to be here.” Too bad Caeyln looked like a hot sweaty nervous mess on her date with Mike.  Ick.  I do not like her. 

Having struck out with Hannah last week, Wills gives his rose to Katie and then attempts to make his “intentions” known with a private chat the next night. “I feel like you’re such an amazingly beautiful woman, not just physically,” he says. “I feel like you deserve the world, and you deserve someone to take you on a date every single night you’re here.” It’s a lovely sentiment that makes Katie cry… but not in the happy-tears kind of way. She shuts him down and starts crying and just seems incredibly overwhelmed by everything. (In her own words on Twitter, she was "malfunctioning," which is both a hilarious and highly accurate way to put it.).  She's basically incoherent and the only words we hear from her are:  “shut this door” and “it’s not going to be between us right now.”

Out of nowhere here comes some guy named Chris.  “My favorite part of the day is always talking to you,” he says. “It’s easy for me to be open with you.” Suddenly, they’re smooching on the day bed.  From what I can gather, this is not Chris B's first rodeo.  

Producers made sure that Dylan got to go before Blake at the rose ceremony, so he starts the week with the upper hand in this love triangle. But Blake isn’t giving up. “Even though Hannah got her rose from Dylan, I think me and Hannah really do have something special,” he says. “I won’t let any other guys down here come between us.”

Demi and Katie both try to warn Hannah against Blake. It’s obvious to them, and to all of America, that Dylan is the true-blue guy in this scenario. Just look at how happy he is when Hannah tells him she’s not going on a date with Jordan!  I cannot disagree more.  I find Dylan to be smothering and slightly creepy.  And my gay-dar went off big time when he was on Hannah Banannas season. 

Not all of the “ladies” in Paradise trust Hannah or her intentions. “There’s a lot of red flags that Dylan is not seeing,” says Sydney. Oh, okay Sydney.  What about the red flags Hannah's not seeing from Dylan?  Huh, what about those?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.  Zip it Sydney.  “From what I’ve seen of Hannah, she went from really feeling Dylan one second, and then going in with Blake. If I were Dylan, I’d be pissed.”

Don’t worry, Sydney. Dylan is about to be very pissed, because Blake just stole Hannah for a romantic nighttime dance on the beach. “I’m all in,” he tells Hannah. “I wouldn’t be saying the things I’m saying unless I see, like, something past Paradise.” Apparently, the “spin-dancing” thing is Blake’s tried-and-true move: Both Tayshia and Kristina say he used it on them in the past. And dancing, of course, leads to kissing.
                                   And then things get hella awkward.  Dylan is creepily watching the action on the beach and after watching his crush smooch Blake for a few minutes, Dylan works up the courage to interrupt them. He asks Hannah to come chat with him, but Blake objects. “I feel like you’ve had her, like, all day man,” he says. “You’ve, like, shadowed her.” Dylan counters that he just wants to focus on Hannah, while Blake has been hitting on “every other girl here.” Burn! Blake, in turn, accuses Dylan of making Hannah feel uncomfortable, and on and on it goes. 

I've noticed that the male "contestants" behave like caveman and don't really seem to care what their female counterparts think.  Kind of like Luke P or douche canoe Jed, these guys have clearly set their sights on one woman and will stop at nothing to get her.  She's a prize to them rather than a love interest or life partner.  I love a strong, sexy alpha male as much as the next person but these guys are taking chest beating to a whole 'nother level. 

At this point I was a bit disappoint and frustrated as my girl Hannah she just stood there twirling her hair.  I don't know why she didn't say something to either or both of these hormonal neanderthals.  Instead she remains quiet and cute looking blankly at Dylan until he walks away. “She’s a freaking player!” grouses Tayshia. “Just like Blake.”

The episode ends with Dylan in his confessional wondering if Hannah and Blake hooked up prior to BIP.  The trailer for the next episode shows one of "ladies" asking "did you fly to Alabama?" 

Still not enough JPJ in this episode. 

Pits of Dispair

This week, two of the most beautiful women in the world released campaigns promoting empowerment and positivity. 

Kate Upton's #ShareStrong encourages people to post photos and videos “talking about who or what inspires us to be our best selves.”  She added, "It’s to spread positivity and inspiration by creating a community that talks about encouraging, empowering stories and self-motivation."

Upton's celeb friends, Jessica Biel, Lily Aldridge, Behati Prinsloo, all showed their support on social media with make-up free selfies and whatnot but my favorite post was Whitney Cumming's: 

“My #ShareStrong is for all the young women that follow me on social media,” she said on her Instagram Story. “I want them to know that it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to not take yourself seriously all the time.”



 “And it’s also okay to stutter,” Cummings, 36, added, as she jokingly struggled to say “#ShareStrong.” 

Read more about #ShareStrong here:  https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/kate-upton-share-strong-campaign-twitter-instagram-jessica-biel-a9047906.html

and here:  https://people.com/health/kate-upton-share-strong-motivation-celebrities/

 

Emily Ratajkowski also shared her views on sexuality, femininity and arm pit hair in Harpers Bazaar.  And I get it. I really do.  However, I have a slightly different take.  https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a28577727/emily-ratajkowski-sexuality-essay/

First, I'd like to address the shaving issues.  I'm thinking, "my pits, my choice" on this one.  I could care less if Emily, Madonna, Gigi, Miley, Julia or Sophia have arm pit hair.  It's a personal choice.  Same goes for leg hair.  I, for one, wear a lot of dresses.  I like the feel and the look of smooth legs.  I also like to wear short pj's to bed and like the way my bare legs feel against cool, clean sheets or when they rub up against each other in my sleep.  I also have very dry skin and moisturize like a crazy person.  My legs itch way more when I don't shave my legs.  During the work week I shave regularly.  On the weekends, not as much. 

 

Which brings me to the crux of some of these empowering posts and articles.  Who cares?  Seriously.  I don't understand the reasoning behind having to point out and draw attention to everything. 

I am not nor have I ever been a rule follower.  If I wanted to wear a bikini to the beach at 52 years old with two C-section scars, gall bladder surgery scars, breast biopsy scars and stretch marks, I would.  I'm just not really into showing that much skin.  Even as a 100 lbs. 20 year old I rarely wore a bikini.  I think I've had two or three bikinis in my lifetime.  In any event, I would not feel the need to preface my bathing suit du jour with a social media post about empowering women and how I want my daughter's to have positive body images, etc.  My daughter's do have positive body images because we concentrate on other things.  I've made it a point of NEVER, EVER dissing my body in front of my girls when they were growing up.  My girls have NEVER heard me say, "OMG!  I look so fat in this outfit!" or "how many calories are in this?" or "sorry!  I'm not doing carbs!"  My girls have played sports, participated in pageants and done their own thing.  They know their worth is not defined by anyone else. 

I don't care if you don't wear make-up.  I can go days at a time without make-up and you know what?  I don't post about it.  I don't post selfies.  I don't point out my flaws.  I have them and so does every one I know.  My flaws are visible (mostly).  No one cares.  No one.  I take care of my skin, I take vitamins and I wear sunscreen when I remember.  I love having my face open and free of make-up.  It feels so good to have clean pores. 

Just the other day we were looking at old photos and came across a photo of me and KJ from pre-school.  She was about 4 years old in the photo and I still had very visible signs of melasma (pregnancy mask) all over my cheeks and forehead.  I had it really, really bad with both girls.  KJ is about to turn 20 and honestly, I had totally forgotten about my pregnancy mask.  It didn't define me.  You still gotta do you. 

Christmas 2009

(10 years after KJ was born and you can still see the dark patches on my forehead)

Not sure when this was taken (2006 or 2007?  Maybe 2008?)

Lots of dark spots. 

San Diego 2006

(one of my fave pics of me and Coach)

My whole take-away from these types of "feel good" published pieces is:  Instead of writing about it, just do it!  Wear what you want.  Wear what makes you feel good.  Wear make-up.  Or don't.  Shave your pits.  Or not.  Live your life. 

Look out Martha and Joanna!

A couple of weeks ago KJ and I were headed out of our neighborhood to run some errands when she spied this dresser on a neighbor's sidewalk clearly marked for trash pick-up: 

 

KJ is, by nature, a somewhat shy person and definitely non-confrontational.  So when she saw the dresser she slammed on her breaks but was embarrassed to get out of the car to check it out.  I told her if she wants the dresser she should just ring the doorbell and ask if she can have it.  The neighbor, of course, told her to take it but we were in her convertible and there was no way it was going to fit.  So she had to call her daddy to drive around the corner and throw it in the back of his SUV.  While we were waiting for Coach to show up, a pick-up with two ladies pulled up and one of the ladies got out to inspect the dresser.  I was so proud of KJ when she yelled, "Sorry!  It's taken!!!" 

Although her new apartment is furnished, she was looking for something to put her TV on.  The dresser provided is very taller and narrow.  She's has a massive walk-in closet so she's thinking of putting the narrow dresser in there.  She's doing her bedroom in what she refers to as colors of the sunset -- reds, oranges, light pinks. 

She did a great job of taking the dresser apart and sanding it down (as you can see in the pic above, the top was in rough shape).  She selected her paint color but Coach ended up painting most of it to ensure even coats.  She did the mandala stencil on her own and spray painted the handles to match.  Coach also put a clear coat on the top so the stencils down get rubbed or scratched off. 

 

Looks amazing, doesn't it???  

Bloggity Blog Blog Boss

I've been thinking it's time to update the look and content of my blog.  I generally love my blog design but worry that it's a bit outdated.  It's probably time to update my content, too. 

So I did a little research the other day and came across the following post regarding different types of niche blogs and how to get started:  https://firstsiteguide.com/examples-of-blogs/

And I realized my blog isn't really about anything of the topics on this list.  Sure, sometimes I blog about travel.  I love all aspects of traveling.  I love the planning process, the research, the shopping for a trip, the packing and the actual experience. 

And I blog about my family but it's not a parenting blog.  I think I'm way beyond the whole "pregnancy tips, helping new moms choose the best foods, clothing, safe toys, fun activities for their little ones, planning the perfect child’s birthday party, etc."  As I'm just a couple of weeks away from KJ starting her sophomore year, it's a year too late to be writing about kids going off to college.  My chicks have flown the coop.  And I'm cool with it.  I've given them the wings. 

I post some original photos but it's definitely not a photography blog.  I don't think taking pics on my Samsung S9+ qualifies me as a "photographer." 

I definitely don't blog about health (i.e., food, supplements, exercise products, recipes, diets, morning routines, at-home workouts, gym workouts, healthcare tips, etc.).

I don't blog about e-learning, I don't have a podcast or a live webcam (holy cow!  that would be so boring!!!  who wants to watch me lay on the couch eating popcorn while watching Real Housewives???).  I don't blog about tech or gaming (although, on a recent flight I played a lot of Plants vs. Zombies and have since downloaded it to my phone.  I'm very, very good at it!). 

 
 

I think maybe I'm more of a skilled or savvy  "reviewer."  I like to review movies.  Books.  TV shows.  Make-up and beauty products.  Oh snap!  I just realized I'm not a "reviewer."  I like to give my opinion (mostly unwarranted).  I guess that just makes me a bossy blogger. 

Welcome to August

August is the eighth month of the year in the Julian and Gregorian calendars, and the fifth of seven months to have a length of 31 days. It was originally named Sextilis in Latin because it was the sixth month in the original ten-month Roman calendar under Romulus in 753 BC, and March was the first month of the year. About 700 BC, it became the eighth month when January and February were added to the year before March by King Numa Pompilius, who also gave it 29 days. Julius Caesar added two days when he created the Julian calendar in 46 BC (708 AUC), giving it its modern length of 31 days. In 8 BC, it was renamed in honor of Augustus. According to a Senatus consultum quoted by Macrobius, he chose this month because it was the time of several of his great triumphs, including the conquest of Egypt.

In the Southern Hemisphere, August is the seasonal equivalent of February in the Northern Hemisphere. In many European countries, August is the holiday month for most workers. Numerous religious holidays occurred during August in ancient Rome.

Certain meteor showers take place in August. The Kappa Cygnids take place in August, with the dates varying each year. The Alpha Capricornids meteor shower takes place as early as July 10 and ends at around August 10, and the Southern Delta Aquariids take place from mid-July to mid-August, with the peak usually around July 28–29. The Perseids, a major meteor shower, typically takes place between July 17 and August 24, with the days of the peak varying yearly. The star cluster of Messier 30 is best observed around August.

August's birthstones are the peridot, sardonyx, and spinel. 

Its birth flower is the gladiolus or poppy, meaning beauty, strength of character, love, marriage and family.  Please enjoy these poppy pics from my recent trip to Breckenridge: 

The Western zodiac signs for the month of August are Leo (until August 22) and Virgo (from August 23 onwards): 

Leo (♌) (Greek: Λέων, Leōn) is the fifth astrological sign of the zodiac. It corresponds to the constellation Leo and comes after Cancer and before Virgo. The traditional Western zodiac associates Leo with the period between July 23 and August 22,^[and the sign spans the 120th to 150th degree of celestial longitude.

Leo is associated with fire, and its modality is fixed. Under the tropical zodiac, the Sun transits this area on average between July 23 and August 22 each year, and under the sidereal zodiac, the Sun currently transits this area from approximately August 16 to September 15. The constellation Leo is associated with the mythological Nemean lion. Its opposite sign is Aquarius.



Virgo (♍) (Greek: Παρθένος, Parthenos) is the sixth astrological sign in the Zodiac. It spans the 150-180th degree of the zodiac. Under the tropical zodiac, the Sun transits this area on average between August 23 and September 22, and the Sun transits the constellation of Virgo from approximately September 16 to October 30. Individuals born during these dates, depending on which system of astrology they subscribe to, may be called Virgos or Virgoans. The symbol of the maiden is based on Astraea. In Greek mythology, she was the last immortal to abandon Earth at the end of the Silver Age, when the gods fled to Olympus – hence the sign's association with Earth.



August is also: 

National Catfish Month

National Dippin' Dots Month (Ice Cream of the Future!!!)

Family Meals Month

Get Acquainted with Kiwifruit Month

National Goat Cheese Month

National Panini Month

Peach Month

Sandwich Month

Fun Fact:  August 1, is this big guy's birthday (this clip be a whole lot sexier if he didn't have beer foam stuck in his moustache!):  https://youtu.be/bN0rfm1hlLk

A Little Self Care

Last week I had the opportunity to take a couple of days off from work and accompany Coach on a trip to Breckenridge.  I hadn't been to Breck in years and I had never been in the summertime.  What a totally different experience! 

The town of Breckenridge is positively charming.  The weather was spectacular and wild flowers were everywhere you looked!  I could not stop taking photos of the lupine, the amazing poppies and fox glove.  We definitely don't get flowers like that in North Texas!!!

To me, the best part of my trip was the relaxation, the shopping and the food!  Not a chain store or restaurant in sight (I think there may be a Starbucks on Main Street, IDK.  I don't drink coffee so I'm not on the look out for those kinds of things!). 

A couple of my favorite shops were:  http://magicalscraps.com/, Marigolds Farmhouse Funk & Junk, Ruby Jane's (also check out their gorgeous loft available for rent!) and Valley Girl. 

At Magical Scraps I found the most wonderful bath and body, home and lifestyle brand, Margot Elena.  I am now officially obsessed with the Lollia line.  The gorgeous packaging pulled me in but the fragrances are spectacular. I bought the Always in Rose eau de parfum and the Dream perfumed luminary (fancy for "candle").  I also need to check out their Library of Flowers line.  www.margotelena.com

One of the days I took the gondola up to Peak 8 and had a incredible day at the Infinity Spa at the Grand Colorado.  https://grandcolorado.com/  I had an 12 noon massage but arrived in plenty of time to use the steam room and the grotto.

After my massage, I totally took advantage of the relaxation room and got super comfy in my luxurious robe and sumptuious blanket.  When I say I took advantage I mean I slept in my lounger for over an hour. 

Because this is Colorado, the spa uses products "blessed by Mother Nature herself" and I bought some very rich shea butter hand creams from Farmhouse Fresh Goods in the Rainbow Road and Sweet Tea scents.  https://www.farmhousefreshgoods.com/index.html

I think everyone in Bachelor Nation breathed a little easier last night knowing they did not have to see or hear Luke P.  Which is good for Bachelorette fans.  Unfortunately, for Hannah, her decisions aren’t getting any easier.  Also, unfortunately for Hannah, her gown at the rose ceremony was horrible.  Like, bad prom dress from 2007 horrible.  And her hair was a hot mess.  And the jewelry was off. 

Last night was part one of the season finale.  I was bored once she had her rose ceremony and started playing Plants vs. Zombies on my phone.  The episode started off with Pete the Pilot, Tyler C and Big Head Jed still standing at that rose ceremony in Crete.  Luke P has been escorted off but Hannah still only has two roses to hand out and she’s still not sure she’s making the right choice. She walks out to face her “three amazing men” and rambles about how “blessed” she is to know them all. 

But it’s decision time: She hands her first rose to Jed (W.  T.  F????), who happily accepts. Keep in mind, Big Head Jed is the only contestant she’s told she’s falling in love with so far. She dabs away a tear before handing her second and final rose to… Tyler C! That means Pete the Pilot is going home.  Again -- W.  T.  F????  This would make one believe that their night in the windmill wasn't as great as it sounded, huh?  More on that later. 

Hannah fights back sobs as she walks Peter out, telling him he’s “the dream guy."  I'm so confused already and we're less than 10 minutes into the show.  If he's your dream guy, why is he going home?  He puts on a brave face and tells her she’ll always have “a piece of my heart.” But even he breaks down in tears before getting in the car, giving her a final hug and kiss.  On the car ride home (or maybe to the airport?  Did Pete the Pilot have to fly himself back to the States?) he admits “it hurts like a bitch” but he doesn’t blame Hannah. He still loves her… and she’s still sobbing amid the Grecian ruins.  There’s probably some Freudian analysis of the fact that she sent home the only dude she bragged about having sex with.

We then get a mini “After the Final Rose,” with Peter reliving his heartbreak in front of a live studio audience. He recounts how he first fell in love with Hannah while they were watching fireworks in Latvia and admits he’s still hung up on her. Hannah joins him to tell him “there wasn’t anything wrong” with their relationship but she “was falling for two other guys, too” and “had to follow my heart.” Peter wants to know what moment changed things for her. Hannah says there wasn’t really one moment … but she can find something if you just let her. Hannah tells him that her love language is “Words of Affirmation” and he should have read that weird book before he went on the season. She does wish he would’ve told her how he felt a little sooner, though. 

Finally, Hannah says that she actually lied to Luke about her time in the windmill with Peter and she wants to set the record straight. Hannah spends a lot of time this episode being honest about something that literally no one requires her to be honest about. She tells us that she and Peter had sex four times in the windmill. No Freudian analysis needed. I think Hannah sent Peter home because they had no time to talk about anything important or emotional.

When Hannah reveals she was “scared of letting go of the perfect guy,” an audience member shouts out, “You did!” (I think that might have been Peter's cute mom throwing some shade).  Chris Harrison can’t resist throwing in a windmill joke and Hannah confesses that she wasn’t totally truthful when she said they did it twice in that windmill.  “It was actually four times.”  And Peter’s parents applaud! That’s my boy!  Chris Harrison chides Hannah for talking about sex in front of Barb, Peter’s mom. But then he stands up and salute’s Peter’s dad and says that he must be puffing out his chest because his son can do it four times a night.  Look.  I'm no prude and talk openly about sex with both of my adult children.  However, this sums up America’s entire attitude toward sex. It’s that double-edged sword -- if a woman has multiple partners or enjoys sex, she's a slut.  If a man has multiple partners or can get it up four times in one night in a windmill, he's a stud.  

Back in Crete Hannah is still deciding between Tyler C and Big Head Jed and prepares to introduce the two remaining contesticles to meet her family.   Hannah sets up her date with Tyler by telling her family that she told Tyler she didn’t want to go to pound town in the fantasy suite and he was cool with it! She also says that she doesn’t know if she’s in love with Tyler or falling in lust with him.

Sweet, thoughtful manly-man dancing general contractor Tyler shows up with flowers and the way Hannah gazes into his eyes, it looks like Jed doesn’t stand a chance. Hannah’s mom is charmed by him, too, (duh!) and even her dad is won over by the restraint he showed in the fantasy suite. Hannah’s dad was ready to risk it all for Tyler. I think Mr. Brown may have a little man-crush on Tyler and who can blame him?  Hannah admits to her mom she could see herself getting engaged to Tyler.  And, in a private moment, Hannah Bannanas tells Tyler she’s “been falling in love with” him. So he just pulled dead even with Jed.  "I never thought I'd be this excited about Tyler," Hannah says. W.  T.  F???? 

Tyler absolutely STUNS her family and it’s not even fair. Tyler tells her parents that he wants to be her biggest cheerleader and for Hannah to be his wife and the mother of his children. After his date, Hannah tells him that she didn’t let herself feel her feelings for him and was convinced she didn’t love him but was only in lust with him.

 

Up next is Jed’s time to meet the family. Hannah starts the day very nervous and she hopes that her family sees Jed the way she does. Red flag!  You’re always hoping that people are going to like the guys you like. That’s not a good sign. They should be likable on their own.

 

Jed warms up the family by telling them that he’s a musician and that’s the path he’s chosen but that Hannah is pretty great, too. He says that he’s only got the purest extensions for Hannah. Oh, sorry, purest INTENTIONS. The lines of human romance he wrote on his hand got smudged while he was practicing one of his myriad other skills. Listen, I’m not saying that all of Jed’s lines are rehearsed. What I’m saying is that they’re POORLY rehearsed.

Jed has a chance to sneak ahead with his own meet-the-parents moment, but when he announces he’s a musician, Hannah’s mom looks… skeptical? Her dad asks how Jed plans to “provide” for his daughter, and Jed tries to reassure him by telling him he’s signed a deal to write, wait for it, a dog food jingle! Jed says, and I quote, “I want to have many facets of income and backup plans.” What kind of unemployed-fuckboy bullshit is this? Jed’s biggest accomplishment is writing a dog-food jingle. Name literally any dog-food jingle. Dog food doesn’t have jingles.

“They don’t think I’m adequate or something,” Jed whines in a confessional, while Hannah’s mom warns her about his Nashville “lifestyle.” Hannah bristles a bit at their less-than-glowing feedback “Now I’m freaking out.”

Hannah’s mom can’t help but compare Jed and Tyler, and she says that Jed has qualities.  Hannah’s dad says Jed didn’t exactly give him “direct answers” to his questions, and starts spewing some “man of the house” stuff.  Unfortunately, Hannah’s dad brings all this up because he thinks the man should be doing the providing and he shouldn’t rely on the woman.  OK.  This is where I got really annoyed.  Hannah B's season was all about her rebelling against the patriachary.  She's fierce!  She's had sex in a windmill!  And Jesus still loves her!  Go Hannah!  You are a shining example of a modern woman and a wonderful role model to young girls every where!  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  And yet here's your dad acting like a caveman.  And at this point, in my humble opinion, your dad is no better than Luke P with his antiquated thinking.  Even more unfortunately, Hannah’s rebuttal is that she’s got all the talents, too. Do we even know what Hannah does for a living?  I read somewhere that's she's a "very" successful interior designer.  Just say you want to be an Instagram influencer and let’s be done with it.

 When Jed comforts her, she tells him how great things went with Tyler C. and her family, confessing: “I’m now confused.” Jed tries to remind her that “we know what we have,” but Hannah is still nervous: “Two people are in my heart at the same time, and I don’t want to make the wrong decision.”

And Hannah’s family does that very annoying thing where they repeatedly say that marriage is “one and done” for them. Yeah. It is for everybody. No one is going into a marriage thinking they’re going to get divorced. Even the shittiest, worst couple you know who hate each other thinks marriage is forever. 

She has one more date with each guy.  She tortures poor Tyler with another horseback riding date and they enjoy a hilltop picnic.  It all seems sweet and effortless. Like how a date should be.  She smiles so hard her earrings pop off.  That night, they talk about making a life together and having a family.  When it’s Jed’s turn, they head out on a boat together through some choppy waters (metaphor alert!).  Our girl gets seasick (which is totally sexy and romantic) and they both admit how uneasy they are about where things stand. And now the reality that she has to let one of these guys go is hitting her straight in the face.  Along with all the nausea.  Hannah and Jed's date left me with a couple of questions:  why didn't he offer to hold her hair back while she was blowing chunks off the boat and why was he wearing a leather belt with no shirt? 

At dinner, Hannah and Jed still seem anxious and awkward together.  They’re definitely setting this up to be an easy Tyler win, right?  Hannah goes outside because she’s freaking out and Jed tries to comfort her. I noticed that every time Jed goes to comfort Hannah, he says something like “You know how I feel” or “You know I believe in us.” He doesn’t actually offer how he feels or how much he believes in their relationship. He’s asking her to remember that he does. It’s probably a nervous tic, but he does it so much. He doesn’t generate or offer a single feeling, at least not a new one. She knows what they have. What do they have? Unclear.

Compare that to how Tyler talks to and about her. He says he feels like a giddy little kid and that he wants her to be safe, protected, and loved. He also says he wants to argue with her in Home Depot about paint colors. That is true fucking love.

Meanwhile, she vomits while on a boat with Jed and he complains that her dad didn’t let him explain how he has a system to turn $1,000 into $10,000 and it’s not a pyramid scheme. Hannah and Jed spend the entire day portion of the date talking about the treacherous seas and rough waters ahead … on the catamaran. Yeah, on the boat.

Eventually, Hannah comes out live on stage to say the last two months have been “really tough and emotional” and refers to “all the rumors out there,” saying she needs “a lot of answers” (??) from someone tomorrow night. Hannah and Chris stare directly into the camera and let us know that some bullshit has been going down and they’re going to get to the bottom of it. Chris Harrison teases, “What happened after we stopped filming?"  The episode wraps up with an ominous warning from Chris Harrison that we all should get some sleep.

My final thoughts: 

• how come Demi and the other girl knew all about the contestant in the beginning who had a girlfriend but didn't know about Jed???? 
• does Hannah ultimately choose Jed but then finds out about the alleged girlfriend or his real intentions (to promote his musical career)? 
• if she does choose Jed, does she eventually realize she screwed  up and tries to go back with Pete or Tyler? 
• if that's the case, I personally do not believe she deserves either Pete or Tyler.  I hope they both tell her off.  Pete nor Tyler deserve to be someone's sloppy seconds. 
• does Pete the Pilot become the next Bachelor?
• or maybe it's Mike the Man with the great smile? 
• where does all of this leave Tyler? 
• how is John Paul Jones' hair holding up in the heat and humidity while filming Bachelor in Paradise??