Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Rico Bye!

Paradise giveth, and Paradise taketh away.  Last night Paradise  took Jordan and Christian away from the show but not before giving Bachelor Nation a look at their piñata throwdown in its full, ridiculous glory.

The last episode of ABC's Bachelor in Paradise left us literally in the middle of a physical fight. A physical fight that started because of a piñata. The Mayor (Jordan Kimball) decided to knock down the piñata Rico Suave (Christian Estrada) had set up for Numnuts Nicole which then led to them pushing each other back and forth...

And this is where last night's episode picks up.  After the pushing escalates, The Mayor of Paradise body slams Rico Suave off of one of those daybed platform things and they continue trying to fight each other on the beach. At this point, security rushes in to pull them off each other. Jordan moves away from the situation with no problem, but Rico Suave breaks free and tries to run back to The Mayor.  Jordan. Twice. Of course, the, like, eight security guards catch him easily. Rico also takes off his shirt while security is walking him away.  Because.  Ya' know.  He's Rico Suave.   

This goes on for a few minutes, even after producers and security get involved. Christian keeps trying to break free to pummel Jordan, who keeps calling him a “bitch.” “I would be pissed if I was Christian, too,” mumbles Blake, while Mike faults “both parties” for being stupid. As for Nicole, her reign as Queen of Paradise has come to an abrupt and sobering end. “It’s one thing to be, like, this fiery guy, but it’s another thing to put someone in danger and, like, physically hurt someone.”
The production team agrees. “Anybody who touches anybody else, we can’t have it,” a producer tells Rico.  Though the rest of the contestants are worried that production is going to be shut down completely (again), Troop Leader Chris Harrison arrives to tell them that The Mayor and Rico have been sent home… and it’s back to business as usual in Paradise.  "We had to send two men home," Nicole says, dramatically. Well, they served their time.
 
Speaking of NumNuts, with Rico Suave on the next flight back to Miami, she conveniently finds comfort in Clay Harbor once again. She wanted a man who would be more aggressive in pursuing her, she says of the fight, "but not like this." Nicole and Clay kiss on a daybed next to what appears to be an unacknowledged plate of petit fours. All is well.
Also with Jordan and Christian gone, now only two men are set to leave at the rose ceremony. Two men gone means two more men get to stay this week. But who will give Paradise’s current floaters — Cam, Kevin, Wills, and JPJ — a rose? One possible source: Onyeka. “I have the power!” she says. “Like, woo me.” Anyone? Anyone? But no one seems interesting in forming a “connection” with her.  The rose that is most up in the air is Hannah Godwin's.  Poor Hannah's debating between Vitamin B and Vitamin D.  I see what you did there Hannah! 
 
Dylan takes his shot by setting up a picnic spread complete with a cheese plate and Hannah’s favorite candy, gummy worms.   Blake tries to top that by commissioning a mariachi quartet by saying, "Tonight I want to remind you why you have a little bit of a crush on me" and they swing dance (Blake's signature move).  Nobody swing dances to Cielito Lindo! Even so, Hannah LOVES it.   Blake and Hannah start making out, right where Dylan can see them. "Everyone’s like, 'Don't watch,'" says Dylan. "I'm like, 'I need to see it.'" He cries.  Man, can this guy cry!  Again with the smooching Blake right in front of Dylan! “Hannah, come on, baby,” says Mike The Man. “Don’t do my boy Dylan like that… You know better.” “She’s putting me through so much s—,” says Dylan through tears. “It’s not fair.” Again with the crying.  
 
On to the Rose Ceremony! 
 
Before the ceremony even begins, Onyeka Ehie announces that she'll be leaving. As she says in her confessional, "I just feel like I've been passed by by every person here ... The same girls are going on the same dates." That really sucks. It also sucks that this is hard for her to the point where she feels she can't just chill on the beach and drink margaritas with Wells Adams. You can tell the pressure really got to her.

Chris Harrison is mid-preamble when Onyeka interrupts. “Can I say something really quick?”
“I can’t give out a rose to anyone tonight,” she says tearfully. “I’ve met amazing friends, so I’m not leaving here with nothing.”  With this revelation, now three guys are going home.

The next day, a new lady enters Paradise. I vaguely remember this woman from Colton’s season of The Bachelor, but nothing really jumps out.  After getting the polite brush-off from Dean, Derek, and JPJ, Caitlin decides to ask her old Stagecoach buddy Blake on the date.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  In what has to be the greatest moment of the night, Blake confirms, "We met at Stagecoach.  Nothing happened!” Are you shitting me right now??  Good lord, was there some kind of Bachelor Nation tent at the festival or something? In case anyone was wondering about Stagecoach:  here's the link to the 2019 line-up:  https://www.stagecoachfestival.com/lineup#/artists/alphabetical  Some pretty big names.  2020 dates for the Indo, CA festival have been announced:  April  24-26. 
 
Either way, Blake is just happy that someone is into him. Their date activity is Tantric yoga.  Let’s get those sexual chakras flowing.  
After the intense stretching, Blake fills Caitlin in on his Paradise (and pre-Paradise) history with the women on the beach. It is a long monologue punctuated only by Caitlin’s confused “Uh-huhs.” When Blake’s finished, Caitlin assures him that it’s all “fine,” and they make out in the pool. 
 
Producers are all, Don’t get too happy too quick, Blake! As soon as he and Caitlin return from their date, Sydney finds a date card addressed to Dylan. Of course, he asks Hannah to come, much to Blake’s chagrin. “It sucks that they’re, like, dating right in front of me,” he complains.
 
Moving away from that mess, Dylan and Hannah finally get some alone time that isn't full of tears and the threat of Hannah and Blake breaking into dance. At dinner, Dylan can’t help but be a little too eager. First, he tells Hannah that the reason he fought so hard for her is because he was inspired by his mom, who fiercely held the family together when his dad was diagnosed with cancer. Then, he drops a partial l-bomb: “I’m starting to fall in love with you.” She doesn’t reciprocate exactly, but Hannah assures Dylan that she is “all in” with him.  Um.  Congratulations??  “I know that she’ll get there,” says creepy Dylan. And cue the Aztec warrior-dancers!
 
Back at the beach, Katie and Chris are being all flirty and cute. He thinks his sixth Bachelor show might really be the charm. Back in 2015, Chris hit “rock bottom” when he exited Paradise by walking through a beach bonfire. Today, though, he’s “in a better place” and “excited about Katie.”
 
And Tayshia and John Paul Jones are also all flirty and cute. JPJ admits that he feels "like a nervous schoolboy," "completely incapacitated," and "foolish even going after her." But he also calls Tayshia "the most incredible woman [he's] ever met in [his] life." He can't believe a woman as beautiful as her is giving him the time of day, and even says he's starting to fall in love with her.
 
JPJ reveals to Tayshia that he was in a serious relationship after college and was close to getting engaged, but he decided she wasn’t the one. “I’ve known for a long time that I’m ready to settle down,” he says. “I’m looking forward to spending more time with you.” Indeed, JPJ is a little sad that he didn’t get to see much of Tayshia until night fell, but she has a perfect excuse: “It’s not my fault that you take 12 naps a day, JPJ!” Wow, this man may be my spirit animal.
 
“I think it’s bizarre that JPJ and I are hitting it off like we are,” she admits. “He’s extremely intelligent and very good to look at.” And she seems to be into it, going in for a kiss and admitting in confessional interviews that there's a lot more to JPJ than meets the eye. Although what meets the eye is, as she puts it, "a really hot version of Heath Ledger," which is nothing to sneeze at either.  My prediction for season's end is that JPJ and Tayshia won't necessarily walk away engaged, but they will have a cute time in the fantasy suite and leave with each other's final roses.
 
The final act of this episode however, is all about Demi. Derek, The John Krasinski lookalike, says Demi is helping to heal his “wounded heart.” Unfortunately, Demi is still thinking about Kristian, the woman she was dating back home. “One of them deserves to have all of me.” It’s hard for her to make a choice, Demi continues, when one of her options isn’t there with her in Paradise. Hmmm… something tells me that’s going to change. But first…
 
Yes, former Bachelorette Hannah Brown has flown all the way to Mexico to give Demi a pep talk about being her true self, etc. As soon as she’s done catching up with Hannah, Demi pulls Derek aside for an “open and honest” and, one would think, share some news with him about how she feels. But instead, it's just the same thing she's been saying all along about liking him and liking the the girl back home.  “I really, really think about [Kristian] a lot, and I have so many feelings for her,” she says. “And I have so many feelings for you, too, and I’m so confused.”   And as he has been all along, Derek is chill and says he just wants to spend whatever time with her he can.  Derek is understandably disappointed, but he believes that they have a “special connection” and he doesn’t want to walk away from their relationship yet. “It’s okay to not know how you feel,” he adds. “I’m not giving up now… I want you in my life.” Awww, is this guy a gem or what?
 
And the episode ends on a cliffhanger (of course!) with Demi requesting to speak with Chris Harrison. 
 

Saturday, August 17, 2019

November New Releases

Looks like there's a little something for everyone on November 22.  Here's a quick look at the new movies coming out in November: 

November 1

Burden
An orphan raised within the Ku Klux Klan attempts to rehabilitate into a better life. The Andrew Heckler-directed film won the U.S. Dramatic Audience Award at the 2018 Sundance Film Festival.


Harriet
The biography of Harriet Tubman: a real-life hero who led hundreds of slaves to freedom. Cynthia Erivo stars in the Kasi Lemmons-directed drama.
 


Motherless Brooklyn
A private investigator looks into his mentor's murder in 1950s New York. Edward Norton, Bruce Willis and William Defeo star. Norton also directs the film based on a novel of the same name.
 
 

Paradise Hills
Uma (Emma Roberts) awakens on a fairytale island retreat for young women. But sinister intentions and deep-rooted secrets threaten the island paradise as they know it.


Terminator: Dark Fate
Sarah Connor and the original Terminator come to the aid of a new hybrid cyborg-human (Mackenzie Davis), who is eyed as a target by a new Terminator. Linda Hamilton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Edward Furlong reprise their roles in the follow-up to Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991).  Linda still looks like a bad-ass. 


November 8

Doctor Sleep
The world will shine again in the sequel adaptation to Stephen King's terrifying story, The Shining. Danny (Ewan McGregor), the little boy from the 1980 horror classic, is all grown up now and is battling the personal demons from his terrifying experience at the Overlook Hotel all those years ago.



Honey Boy
Shia LaBeouf writes and stars in the autobiographical story of his childhood and the relationship he shared with his father. Lucas Hedges stars as a young LaBeouf.

Last Christmas
Kate (Emilia Clarke of GOT fame) meets Tom (Henry Golding) at her new job as Santa's elf at a department store. Her life of lousy decision-making then takes a quick turn. Paul Feig (Bridesmaids) directs.

Midway
US Navy sailors and aviators (Patrick Wilson, Luke Evans, Nick Jonas, and Aaron Eckhart) partake in a major turning point of World War II: the Battle of Midway. Roland Emmerich directs.

Playing with Fire
After rescuing a group of siblings from a fire, a trio of firefighters (John Cena Keegan-Michael Key, and John Leguizamo) must take on their biggest challenge yet: babysitting.  I love John Cena.  He's such a blockhead and plays the buttoned-up / up-tight perfectly. 


November 15

All Rise
Based on the novel Monster by Walter Dean Myers, the film follows a 17-year-old honors student who is charged with felony murder. Jennifer Hudson and Jharrel Jerome star.  I hope Jennifer Hudson looks better in this than she does in the new Cats movie. 

Charlie's Angels
A new set of Angels (Kristen Stewart, Naomi Scott, and Ella Balinska) go global to complete a dire mission. Elizabeth Banks helms the latest reboot of the classic crime-fighting squad.

Ford V. Ferrari
Automotive designer Carroll Shelby (Matt Damon) and race car driver Ken Miles (Christian Bale) join together to create a Ford model car that can beat a speedy Ferrari at the 1966 24 Hours of Le Mans race.  Caitrona Balfe co-stars. 

The Good Liar
A wealthy widow (Helen Mirren) finds herself growing fond of a conman (Ian McKellen).  I wish there was a little more info on this film.  Helen Mirron and Ian McKellen are absolute legends. 

The Lodge
Mysterious secrets haunt a young family who find themselves isolated in a remote winter cabin. Riley Keough (Elvis's granddaughter) and Alicia Silverstone star in the chilling psychological thriller.

The Report
Senate staffer Daniel Jones played by Adam Driver (fun fact:  Adam Driver was also in Logan Lucky with Riley Keough) uncovers 'enhanced interrogation techniques' adopted by the government after 9/11. His investigation leads him to discover that the CIA and White House are covering up far more information than originally thought.


November 22

21 Bridges
In an effort to catch a duo of cop killers, an NYPD detective (Chadwick Boseman) puts New York City in lockdown.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
A journalist for Esquire (Matthew Rhys) is assigned to a write a profile on the children's television personality, Fred Rogers (Tom Hanks).


Frozen II
Elsa, Anna, and Olaf embark on a new journey to save the kingdom. The animated follow-up finds Evan Rachel Wood and Sterling K. Brown voicing new characters.


November  27

Knives Out
A dysfunctional family gathering goes terribly wrong after the patriarch is found dead. Daniel Craig, Chris Evans, Jamie Lee Curtis, Toni Collette, Don Johnson, and Michael Shannon star in the darkly comedic whodunit murder mystery.

Queen and Slim
During his first date with Queen, Slim has an unfortunate run-in with a cop which leads the couple on a cross-country journey.

Friday, August 16, 2019

October Must-See Movies

Thursday, August 15, 2019

September Sneak Peek

Here's a quick run-down of some of the movies coming out this Fall: 

September 6

Stephen King's "It / Part 2" 
No thanks.  The book scared the ever-loving mess out of me when I read it back in the 80's.  I remember watching the mini-series with Richard Thomas (John Boy from the Waltons) but this sequel to the 2017 release looks terrifying. 

Night Hunter
An online predator, captured with the help of a local vigilante, is connected to crimes far more heinous than anyone expected. Henry Cavill and Alexandra Daddario star.  Henry Cavill is dreamy but I'm not sure if he plays the predator or the vigilante in this one.   

Satanic Panic
A pizza delivery girl makes a trip she'll never forget when she delivers food to a group of Satanists. Chelsea Stardust directs the Rebecca Romijn horror/comedy.  

Zeroville
A young cinema buff makes a trip to Hollywood in 1969–during the era of hippies and Manson. James Franco directs and stars, with Seth Rogen, Will Ferrell, and Megan Fox also starring.  Seth Rogen and Will Ferrell?  Take my money please. 


September 13

Depraved
A field surgeon who has PTSD creates a man out of body parts. B-movie icon Larry Fessenden writes and directs the modern Frankenstein tale.  Yeah.  I don't think so. 

Freaks
A young girl remains trapped in her boarded-up house at the demand of her father (Emile Hirsch). This film premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival in 2018 to positive reviews.

Hustlers
Jennifer Lopez leads a group of strippers who decide to hustle wealthy clientele during the early-2000s financial crisis. Keke Palmer, Lili Reinhart, Julia Stiles, Lizzo, and Constance Wu round out the pack. Cardi B also makes her feature film debut.  JLo looks amazeballs in the photos released by the studio.  However, her last couple of movies haven't done very well and I don't  expect this one to be a blockbuster either. 

The Goldfinch
A young man (Ansel Elgort) must navigate through adulthood as he deals with the trauma caused by the sudden death of his mother when he was only 13 years old. Nicole Kidman and Sarah Paulson also star in the film adaptation of the best-selling novel.  I read the book after everyone raved about it.  I positively HATED it.  I hated everything about it but mostly the characters.  They were some of the most unlikeable characters I've ever read.  I honestly didn't care what happened to any of them.  I don't think the great Nicole Kidman can save them either. 


September 20

Ad Astra
An astronaut travels to the edge of the solar system to solve a mystery that threatens the existence of the human race. Brad Pitt stars alongside Tommy Lee Jones and Liv Tyler.

Bloodline
A man (Seann William Scott) who values family over anything else learns that his violent tendencies might be contagious.  We haven't seen anything from Stiffler in a while.  And I was A-OK with it. 

Downton Abbey
Quite the stir arises when the King and Queen come to visit Downton Abbey. The critically acclaimed television series makes the jump to the big screen at the helm of director Michael Engler.  I've never seen a single episode of the BBC hit series.  My parents are big fans so I'm guessing they will be seeing this in the theater. 

Rambo: Last Blood
After the Mexican cartel kidnaps a friend's daughter, John Rambo heads below the border to seek vengeance. Sylvester Stallone returns in the fifth installment of the Rambo franchise.  Please refer to my comments regarding Stiffler. 

Where's My Roy Cohn?
The acclaimed Sundance documentary dives into the controversial figure who had a hand in shaping the current political nightmare.


September 27

Abominable
A teenage girl and her friends befriend a Yeti. Together they all embark on a journey to reconnect the creature with his family.  This looks really cute and I'd like to see this with Coach. 

Judy
Renée Zellweger stars as Judy Garland in the biopic chronicling the American actress/singer's life while performing in London in 1969.  Renee Zellweger has the same sour face in everyone of her movies.  It's the weirdest thing. 
 



 

The Day Shall Come
An FBI agent (Anna Kendrick) with ulterior motives sponsors a young preacher (Marchant Davis) in Miami.

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Heartbreak Hacienda

Lots of heartbreak last night on BIP.  Poor Hannah.  Poor Derek.  Poor Dylan.  Poor Cam.  Poor Clay. 

According to Demi, everyone thinks she and Derek are the strongest couple in Paradise.  And why wouldn’t they? The guy is willing to smell her stinky armpit.  That's true love right there.  Like when my husband asks me to smell the container of sour cream because he thinks it's bad.  It's called "sour" cream for a reason honey. 

But Demi is feeling “conflicted” about their relationship because she’s still thinking about the woman she was dating before she came to Paradise. Though she’s not yet ready to tell Derek what’s bothering her, she does confide in Katie. “I’ve been dating a woman back home,” she says. “I do miss her and I think about her all the time.” Being on Paradise, Demi adds, was a way for her to “figure out stuff” about herself. “I’m always afraid of how people are going to take it,” says Demi, tearing up. “There’s layers to me… This is about me embracing that side of me.”
Demi recently told her parents that she “likes boys and girls,” and they supported her. That’s nice to hear, especially since Demi says she’s been surrounded by people who made her feel “really bad” and “unworthy” her whole life.

Having failed to talk to Hannah during her dance lesson with Blake, Dylan manages to pull her aside the next day for a WTF chat. “I just don’t see why you’re so open to other things right now if we’re doing so well,” he says.  Honestly, he's got to go.  Just go already.  Hannah insists that she owes it to herself to stay “open-minded.”  "I feel like I don't know something," he says. And there it is folks.  Hannah G casually mentions that there is one other thing: Before Paradise, Blake flew to see Hannah in Birmingham.  Uninvited but apparently not unwelcome. Apparently, Blake told her, "In order to show you who I am, I booked a flight to Birmingham." “Like, we kissed there,” says Hannah.  At this news, Dylan just walks away. Poor Dylan!  Keep walking buddy.  Keep walking. 
“This is just like the ultimate slap in the face,” he moans. And Tayshia is having none of it.  She's pissed that Hannah didn’t mention Blake’s little visit before her date with him last week. She said she and Hannah bonded over being blindsided by Colton Underwood on The Bachelor. This being the case, Tayshia thinks Hannah should have told her about her previous connection to Blake before Tayshia went on a date with him on the first night.

When confronted though, Hannah claims that Blake’s trip to Birmingham was a “private thing” and she didn’t tell anyone “out of respect for him.” On top of that, she feels “attacked” by Tayshia. “I feel like she Mean Girled me,” she whispers.  And she is 100% right.  Tayshia was being a salty bitch.  Stay in your lane Tayshia.
 
Some guy named Dean’s here.  He homeless and unemployed.  He sometimes showers in lakes and rivers.  “You are a catch!” jokes Harrison. “What woman wouldn’t want to lock you down?” And he's sporting a ridiculous porn-stache.  “It’s a little ‘70s,” says the Chris Harrison.  “Like you might be shooting videos in the Valley somewhere.” (That’s where they used to shoot porn, kids). 
After chatting with Katie, Onyeka, and his Paradise ex Kristina, Dean sits down with Caelyn, who is, in his words, “an absolute mess right now.” You see, earlier that afternoon, Kristina rather cluelessly had a conversation with Wells about Caelyn, even though Caelyn was sitting right next to her. The beauty queen is understandably annoyed at Kristina for “spreading my business to every guy on this beach.” And she also mentions something about being slut shamed.  Still, she pulls it together long enough to say yes when Dean asks her on a date.  Though Caelyn says she’s “very guarded” going into her date with Dean (“he has a reputation”), that guard comes down pretty quick and she still manages to kick back a margarita or two. 

On their date, Dean said he was ashamed of how he acted on Paradise before, and that he would never do it again. But Caelyn said she was very intrigued by Dean and his lifestyle, which is aimless traveling. He openly has no ambitions and no foresight. Caelyn loves it. Caelyn is 23. She loves how honest he is about who he is. "He's enigmatic and mysterious," she said. Oh, Caelyn. Ah, youth. This new development between Caelyn and Dean leaves Mike The Man and Cam out in the cold, at least for now. "I think the Caelyn ship has sailed,” sighs Cam sadly. “It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”  The poor guy is suicidal. 
And then some guy named Christian showed up.  I will call him Rico Suave from now on.  Who's Christian, you ask? “He was a night-one guy on Becca’s season,” explains Jordan, the self proclaimed Mayor of Paradise.  “Stood by the meatballs the whole night and was just the guy with the mustache.” And apparently Jordan doesn't approve of Rico Suave's choice of footwear either.  “He wore athletic shoes to Paradise,” says Jordan, appalled. “Like, on entrance.”  "Go buy a pair of espadrilles you fucking asshole," says Jordan when Christian shows up to the beach in running shoes. For the record, espadrilles are a great beach look.  And kudos to Jordan for knowing what espadrilles are.  That modeling gig is really paying off. 

Now Rico Suave is hoping to secure another 15 minutes by romancing Nicole. And she LOVES it. “I was kind of expecting her to maybe say no because she already had a good connection she already had a good connection here,” says Clay. “But she didn’t, and she agreed to go on a date with him.”
And it’s going to be hard for Clay to compete with Rico Suave because the new guy is totally Nicole’s type. “He reminds me of a man I would have dated in Miami… I just met him and he’s already making me feel like he’s my boyfriend.” Well if that's the case, maybe you should have just stayed in Miami???  Nicole has now been on three dates, which leads her to declare, "I feel like the Bachelorette!" It's very cute, even though the shit is about to hit the fan.
 
Poor Clay. Might be time to start packing. “I worry that he’s a little too passive,” says Nicole. “What I like about Christian is he’s totally unafraid to just go for it.” She wants a man who’s going to be (respectfully) assertive about getting her attention, and she tells Clay as much. “You definitely have the opportunity to pull me aside,” she says. “I had a good time on today’s date mostly just because Christian was really assertive, and that’s kind of a quality I do like.”
Clay quickly gets a chance to prove how assertive he can really be. Rico Suave strolls up to the day bed, drink in hand, and announces that he wants to finish his date with Nicole. “She’s all yours tomorrow, if that’s what she wants,” he says. Clay begs to differ. “Your date’s over when you come back to Paradise,” he says calmly. “You had a date, and your date’s over.”
Nicole looks like she can’t decide if she loves it that two grown men are fighting over her, or if she’s mortified that two grown men are fighting over her. But she for sure doesn’t like it when Rico Suave puts her on the spot by asking her to settle the dispute. “I’m just catching up with [Clay] now,” she says. Finally, Rico Suave walks back to the bar, where he and the lizard crawling up his shirt have some much-needed quiet time.
Over on another daybed, the battle for Nicole rages on. Rico Suave sets up a little beachside rendezvous complete with champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and… a piñata? Okay. Clay watches from afar and decides that he needs to interrupt Rico Suave's romantic tableau. If Nicole wants him to be more assertive, he’ll be more assertive dammit!  But when he tries to “steal” Nicole for a minute, Rico Suave puffs his chest up and barks, “I’m not gonna let you take her!” Nicole looks so uncomfortable, Clay backs down, much to the chagrin of the other guys — especially Jordan. In an effort to avenge his friend, the pot-stirring model jogs over to where Rico Suave and Nicole are sitting and tries to yank the piñata down. It does not go over well.  Rico Suave tries to stop him and that's how the big fight happens. It moves very quickly from a little shove over the piñata to a full on wrestling match. The episode ends before the fight is even over.

This episode leaves us with several few questions:
  • Who are you rooting for in the Clay-Nicole-Christian triangle?
  • Why aren't more of the ladies into Mike Johnson?  They all seem to like him, but he's not really dating anyone. Are they all part of a plan to make him Bachelor? ~Conspiracy!~
  • Is it possible that Tayshia is truly into John Paul Jones?
  • Would you date an unemployed van-dweller with a porn-star mustache? 
  • Why is everyone so upset with my girl Hannah G when Nicole and Caelyn have each gone on several dates?  And Caelyn clearly only kissed ABCam just to get a rose and keep the free vacay going. 
  • Why was JPJ sleeping in the pool and why isn't he getting more airtime dammit?????!!!!!

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

BIP

As I was new to The Bachelor and the Bachelorette, I am a first-timer when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise.  The first time I had heard about the show was when there was some inappropriate behavior and filming was stopped.  IDK the particulars so I will just leave it at that. 

Here's a list of the Bachelor In Paradise 2019 players if you need a quick recap: 
https://ftw.usatoday.com/2019/08/bachelor-in-paradise-2019-cast-guide-photos

Last night was episode #3 (or, the first episode of week #2 -- the show airs on Monday's and Tuesday's) and consists of, for lack of a better word, the "unchosen" from previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  IDK what they call the people on BIP.  Are they called the "cast?"  Are they called "daters" or "former" Bachelors or Bachelorettes?  Someone enlighten me please! 

This show is weird to me on so many levels.  Similar to the Bachelor or Bachelorette, I've noticed that several "contestants" have mentioned that their goal is to be engaged by the end of the show.  Much like The Amazing Race or Survivor, everyone seems to have a plan going in.  Like Survior, "the unchosen" go home after each rose ceremony.  Unlike the Amazing Race, the "contestants" don't seem to do much.  They just kind of hang around the house (which is insane BTW) and wait to go on dates.  It's reminds me of a harem or the minors.  Everyone one is just lounging around until they get called up to the big leagues.  The "unchosen" have obviously watched previous seasons and know in advance who they are attracted to and interested in.  A couple of unexpected/unannounced "contestants" are also thrown into the mix to liven things up.  Last night we saw Mike the Man from Hannah Bannanas season show up and some tool named Jordan.  Holy shit.  That guy is a total ass clown. More on him later. 
Let's talk about the two Instagram-feuding "contestants" Blake and Caelynn (Caeylnn, IMHO is a trouble-maker.  I do not like her).  After being portrayed as a bed-hopping, music-festival man-whore on last week’s episodes, Blake took to social media to defend himself. He released texts from Caelynn which he says proved they were both just looking for a no-strings-attached hookup. She, in turn, spoke out and said those texts were “not an accurate representation” of their relationship.  Whatever.  They both behaved badly and she came on the show to make him look bad.  They are both idiots. 

There was a rose ceremony last night and Derek (IDK who this guy is) gives his rose to Demi which she accepts with a lusty, “Yeah, bitch!”  Kind of anti-climatic for me since it was leaked that Demi has a girlfriend back home.  Clay gives his rose to Nicole (who was so, so whiney on Colton's season; I think she cried every episode she was in).  Wills (IDK who this guy is) gives his rose to Katie and Kevin gives his rose to Sydney (IDK who either of these people are).  My personal favorite, JPJ gives his rose to Onyeka and ABC Cam gives his rose to Caelynn.  Caelynn clearly made out with him last just to get rose and not be "eliminated."  I do not like her.  Before Blake has his big chance, Dylan gives his rose to Hannah.  Blake, in turn, gives his rose to Tayshia.  Tayshia took Blake's rose only because she wants to stay for the free vacay.  "I'm not a backup plan, and that's what he thinks I am," she says in her confessional. "So, Blake who?"  Contestant Chris gives his rose to Kristina. That means Jane (I think she was the one who tried to kill JPJ last week with poisoned tacos), Bibiana, and Annaliese (IDK who any of these people are) have been eliminated, must extinguish their torches and leave the island at once. 
 
Unfortunately for Jordan, Hannah has a change of heart.  Hannah realized that having two men after her (Dylan and Blake) was more than enough already.  The c–k-blocked Jordan channels all of his irritation in Blake’s direction. “I didn’t come to Blake in Paradise season 1,” he grumbles. “This is Bachelor in Paradise season 6!” To that end, the male model (?) pulls Blake aside to air his grievances, Festivus-style. “I know you. You are better than this,” he tells Blake. “It’s gonna get real crazy if there’s eight girls here saying they’re seeing you. It does not look good.”
On to his Paradise Plan B: Nicole! Jordan tells her that he “respects” her connection with Clay, but that doesn’t mean they can’t go on a date and have some fun, right? Right! Nicole is definitely into Clay, but she also can’t resist the spotlight of attention that a Paradise date brings. “I went from going on zero one-on-one dates on The Bachelor to going on, like, two back-to-back one-on-one dates,” she says with a giggle. “I’m the Bachelorette in Paradise!”  She's an idiot.  Little does Nicole know that Jordan tells the camera and all of Bachelor Nation that she wasn't his first choice. 
Clay handles it well. “In basketball, if you’re open for a shot… and somebody comes out of nowhere and swats it, you can’t be like, ‘Bro, why’d you block my shot?’ That’s the name of the game.”  He goes on to do a bunch of sports analogies like ice being slippery and a some other babble.  All of the women force fake laughter.  Jordan and Nicole have a good time ziplining. Doesn’t Nicole look like she’s having fun????  To be fair, that helmet-cam angle is not very flattering. Even though she had fun on her date with Jordan, Nicole returns to the beach and heads right back into Clay’s arms. “There’s no comparison,” she says, smooching him.
Cam has been laser-beam focused on Caelynn since before he came to Paradise. “Before I was even on The Bachelorette, I wanted her to be my Bachelorette,” he says. “It’s very surreal to think that in a very short period of time, I could be proposing to Caelynn.”  Whoa.  Just Whoa.  Slow your roll, buddy. Caelynn just needed a rose this week.  And she definitely does not need you to read her a two-page handwritten note about how into her you are. Sample line: “I licked my lower lip, and your jalapeno-rita spice still lingered and brought me such joy.”  She looked less than thrilled and not very nice as her read his love letter.  I do not like her. 
Fortunately for us all, help is on the way!  Mike Johnson, owner of the best smile in Bachelor Nation and the man who many of us would like to see as the next Bachelor, has arrived. Cam is bummed because, in his mind, Mike is the reason Hannah Brown sent him home on The Bachelorette
Though Onyeka is clearly infatuated with Mike, he asks Caelynn on the date instead. Cam is devastated — a little too devastated, to be honest. “I was born to be a husband, I was born to be a father,” he says tearfully. “It’s gonna happen… I just want it to be here.” Too bad Caeyln looked like a hot sweaty nervous mess on her date with Mike.  Ick.  I do not like her. 

Having struck out with Hannah last week, Wills gives his rose to Katie and then attempts to make his “intentions” known with a private chat the next night. “I feel like you’re such an amazingly beautiful woman, not just physically,” he says. “I feel like you deserve the world, and you deserve someone to take you on a date every single night you’re here.” It’s a lovely sentiment that makes Katie cry… but not in the happy-tears kind of way. She shuts him down and starts crying and just seems incredibly overwhelmed by everything. (In her own words on Twitter, she was "malfunctioning," which is both a hilarious and highly accurate way to put it.).  She's basically incoherent and the only words we hear from her are:  “shut this door” and “it’s not going to be between us right now.”

Out of nowhere here comes some guy named Chris.  “My favorite part of the day is always talking to you,” he says. “It’s easy for me to be open with you.” Suddenly, they’re smooching on the day bed.  From what I can gather, this is not Chris B's first rodeo.  
Producers made sure that Dylan got to go before Blake at the rose ceremony, so he starts the week with the upper hand in this love triangle. But Blake isn’t giving up. “Even though Hannah got her rose from Dylan, I think me and Hannah really do have something special,” he says. “I won’t let any other guys down here come between us.”
Demi and Katie both try to warn Hannah against Blake. It’s obvious to them, and to all of America, that Dylan is the true-blue guy in this scenario. Just look at how happy he is when Hannah tells him she’s not going on a date with Jordan!  I cannot disagree more.  I find Dylan to be smothering and slightly creepy.  And my gay-dar went off big time when he was on Hannah Banannas season. 

Not all of the “ladies” in Paradise trust Hannah or her intentions. “There’s a lot of red flags that Dylan is not seeing,” says Sydney. Oh, okay Sydney.  What about the red flags Hannah's not seeing from Dylan?  Huh, what about those?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.  Zip it Sydney.  “From what I’ve seen of Hannah, she went from really feeling Dylan one second, and then going in with Blake. If I were Dylan, I’d be pissed.”
Don’t worry, Sydney. Dylan is about to be very pissed, because Blake just stole Hannah for a romantic nighttime dance on the beach. “I’m all in,” he tells Hannah. “I wouldn’t be saying the things I’m saying unless I see, like, something past Paradise.” Apparently, the “spin-dancing” thing is Blake’s tried-and-true move: Both Tayshia and Kristina say he used it on them in the past. And dancing, of course, leads to kissing.
                                   And then things get hella awkward.  Dylan is creepily watching the action on the beach and after watching his crush smooch Blake for a few minutes, Dylan works up the courage to interrupt them. He asks Hannah to come chat with him, but Blake objects. “I feel like you’ve had her, like, all day man,” he says. “You’ve, like, shadowed her.” Dylan counters that he just wants to focus on Hannah, while Blake has been hitting on “every other girl here.” Burn! Blake, in turn, accuses Dylan of making Hannah feel uncomfortable, and on and on it goes. 

I've noticed that the male "contestants" behave like caveman and don't really seem to care what their female counterparts think.  Kind of like Luke P or douche canoe Jed, these guys have clearly set their sights on one woman and will stop at nothing to get her.  She's a prize to them rather than a love interest or life partner.  I love a strong, sexy alpha male as much as the next person but these guys are taking chest beating to a whole 'nother level. 
At this point I was a bit disappoint and frustrated as my girl Hannah she just stood there twirling her hair.  I don't know why she didn't say something to either or both of these hormonal neanderthals.  Instead she remains quiet and cute looking blankly at Dylan until he walks away. “She’s a freaking player!” grouses Tayshia. “Just like Blake.”

The episode ends with Dylan in his confessional wondering if Hannah and Blake hooked up prior to BIP.  The trailer for the next episode shows one of "ladies" asking "did you fly to Alabama?" 

Still not enough JPJ in this episode. 

Friday, August 9, 2019

Pits of Dispair

This week, two of the most beautiful women in the world released campaigns promoting empowerment and positivity. 

Kate Upton's #ShareStrong encourages people to post photos and videos “talking about who or what inspires us to be our best selves.”  She added, "It’s to spread positivity and inspiration by creating a community that talks about encouraging, empowering stories and self-motivation."

Upton's celeb friends, Jessica Biel, Lily Aldridge, Behati Prinsloo, all showed their support on social media with make-up free selfies and whatnot but my favorite post was Whitney Cumming's: 

“My #ShareStrong is for all the young women that follow me on social media,” she said on her Instagram Story. “I want them to know that it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to not take yourself seriously all the time.”


 “And it’s also okay to stutter,” Cummings, 36, added, as she jokingly struggled to say “#ShareStrong.” 

Read more about #ShareStrong here:  https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/kate-upton-share-strong-campaign-twitter-instagram-jessica-biel-a9047906.html
Emily Ratajkowski also shared her views on sexuality, femininity and arm pit hair in Harpers Bazaar.  And I get it. I really do.  However, I have a slightly different take.  https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a28577727/emily-ratajkowski-sexuality-essay/

First, I'd like to address the shaving issues.  I'm thinking, "my pits, my choice" on this one.  I could care less if Emily, Madonna, Gigi, Miley, Julia or Sophia have arm pit hair.  It's a personal choice.  Same goes for leg hair.  I, for one, wear a lot of dresses.  I like the feel and the look of smooth legs.  I also like to wear short pj's to bed and like the way my bare legs feel against cool, clean sheets or when they rub up against each other in my sleep.  I also have very dry skin and moisturize like a crazy person.  My legs itch way more when I don't shave my legs.  During the work week I shave regularly.  On the weekends, not as much. 



 


Which brings me to the crux of some of these empowering posts and articles.  Who cares?  Seriously.  I don't understand the reasoning behind having to point out and draw attention to everything. 

I am not nor have I ever been a rule follower.  If I wanted to wear a bikini to the beach at 52 years old with two C-section scars, gall bladder surgery scars, breast biopsy scars and stretch marks, I would.  I'm just not really into showing that much skin.  Even as a 100 lbs. 20 year old I rarely wore a bikini.  I think I've had two or three bikinis in my lifetime.  In any event, I would not feel the need to preface my bathing suit du jour with a social media post about empowering women and how I want my daughter's to have positive body images, etc.  My daughter's do have positive body images because we concentrate on other things.  I've made it a point of NEVER, EVER dissing my body in front of my girls when they were growing up.  My girls have NEVER heard me say, "OMG!  I look so fat in this outfit!" or "how many calories are in this?" or "sorry!  I'm not doing carbs!"  My girls have played sports, participated in pageants and done their own thing.  They know their worth is not defined by anyone else. 

I don't care if you don't wear make-up.  I can go days at a time without make-up and you know what?  I don't post about it.  I don't post selfies.  I don't point out my flaws.  I have them and so does every one I know.  My flaws are visible (mostly).  No one cares.  No one.  I take care of my skin, I take vitamins and I wear sunscreen when I remember.  I love having my face open and free of make-up.  It feels so good to have clean pores. 

Just the other day we were looking at old photos and came across a photo of me and KJ from pre-school.  She was about 4 years old in the photo and I still had very visible signs of melasma (pregnancy mask) all over my cheeks and forehead.  I had it really, really bad with both girls.  KJ is about to turn 20 and honestly, I had totally forgotten about my pregnancy mask.  It didn't define me.  You still gotta do you. 

Christmas 2009
(10 years after KJ was born and you can still see the dark patches on my forehead)

Not sure when this was taken (2006 or 2007?  Maybe 2008?)
Lots of dark spots. 

San Diego 2006
(one of my fave pics of me and Coach)

My whole take-away from these types of "feel good" published pieces is:  Instead of writing about it, just do it!  Wear what you want.  Wear what makes you feel good.  Wear make-up.  Or don't.  Shave your pits.  Or not.  Live your life. 
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