I hope y'all are happy now

This was a very, very heavy John Paul Jones episode and I'm here for it!  Finally!  I’m still processing the weirdness of it all, but his adorkability helps.

Who would have thought that the romantic hero we all needed was blond, baffling, and bilious? Who knew the man we were all looking for was someone who would laugh at his own jokes like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas while talking like Ralph Lauren Spicoli. Me!  That's who!  I've been saying it all along people!  Pay attention!  There’s only one man shaving his own nipples and cartwheeling into our hearts, and his name is JOHN PAUL JONES — and, yes, you have to say all three.  Finally, we got what we (I) needed: two ROCK-SOLID HOURS of JOHN PAUL JONES madness.

 

We start off with Derek being sad about Demi breaking things off with him.  Kristina and Tayshia are looking for someone else to date. Kristina recommends Derek for Tayshia and she loves the idea so much, she heads off to end things with John Paul Jones right away.  Wait.  What?  I mean What.  The.  Actual.  Hell??  Look, none of us (other than JPJ.  "She's really the only woman I can envision a long-term relationship with" he says) really thought that the Tayshia and John Paul Jones “relationship” was going to stick, right? But Tayshia says she can’t see JPJ being her “future husband,” so she gently encourages him to go on a date with one of the new women scheduled to be arriving this week. This made me so sad.  JPJ is into her and tells her she's a pretty looking Beyoncé with really big eyes.  Wow.  That's romantic.  “I just want to make sure you’re happy,” she says. In other words, I’m gonna play the field, bro, and you should too.  Instead of Tayshia framing the conversation as her wanting to explore other connections, she asks John Paul Jones, "Is there anyone else you want to see come down the stairs?" When he says that he wouldn't really want to go on dates with anyone other than her, she insists that he should go on dates if he wants. Really, JPJ. Like, you should totally go on dates if you want to. 

 

So how does this manifest? Tayshia has just decided that she’s ready to settle down with a Serious Man, so she’s no longer interested in an untroubled boy like JOHN PAUL JONES. It’s this odd combination of “He’s Older So He’s a Man” and “I Need a HUSBAND” that leads to Tayshia unleashing the Chaotic Wholesome that is JOHN PAUL JONES into the world. She tells him that he should take advantage of everything Paradise has to offer.

 

And Paradise has to offer Tahzjuan.  You rememeber Tahjuan, don't you?  Tazjuan "I was there for two seconds."  From Colton's season?  Well, Tahzjuan just walked down the stairs, and she has her hard, little heart set on JPJ. Tahzjuan is really hot.  For real.  She's sweaty and overheating.  I don't know if she's pre-menapausal or if this is poor planning on  her part.  She didn’t clearly didn't pack well before heading into Paradise. This bitch did not buy sunscreen. This bitch did not pick out a setting spray or matte foundation. She also did not familiarize herself with the temperature in Mexico. She’s too warm and she’s not having fun. Also, Tahzjuan is saying everything a bad bitch would say but she does not have the actual attitude of a bad bitch. She’s talking smack but she’s also about to cry. “I’m here to take everyone’s man … [sniffle].”  Also, as Blake confirms, "She wasn't at Stagecoach."  I see what you did there Blake.  Very funny. 

Tahzjuan asks JPJ on her date and he agrees. After taking a shower and doing some manscaping, he says, "Well, Tayshia, I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for you. But if you really want me to go on this fucking date, I'll do it."  JPJ escorts Tahzjuan to dinner, though he’s still very much hung up on Tayshia. It also seems like he might have arrived at dinner already drunk, or high, or maybe he’s just insane?

 

The date is one of the oddest ones in BiP history. For some reason, both Tahzjuan and JPJ are extremely giggly to where they can barely talk. He asks her the "epitimology" of her name. They talk about whether you're supposed to eat the "date food." Tahzjuan seems to simultaneously think it's fake and will give her salmonella, and she might have a point because JPJ seems to get sick after eating the congealed date food. (It may have something to do with why he barely function the whole next day. Just saying.) After JPJ defies the laws of Bachelor date food, they go swimming and make out. Tahzjuan says, "John Paul Jones might be the strangest man I've ever met, but I love strange." She really does, as you'll see. "I'm having the best time!" she says. 

 

Slow your roll Tahzjuan.  Here comes Haley (aka one-half of “the Twins” from Ben’s season). Her sister Emily has a longtime boyfriend now, and so Haley is looking for a “goofy” guy of her own.  And she, too, has her sights set on JPJ. The poor guy only has his sights set on sleep, but he agrees to go on a date with Haley after some coffee and a nap. Seeing JPJ walk away with Haley is too much for Tahzjuan to bear.  She half-faints from dehydration and then asks the medical team for some   “guacamole and TOR-TIYYA chips.” Same Girl.  Same.  At one point, Tahzjuan takes a sip of her drink and lets the entire thing dribble out of her mouth. She stands and screams into the ocean. She’s eating spaghetti in the pool alone while crying, which is what the kids call “a mood.”

Meanwhile, Haley and JPJ are getting along famously on their date.  This is a match made in blonde hair heaven.  He agrees to her date offer. They ride horses. When they come across a beach, JPJ says, “I should have brought my goggles.” That’s a man who lives to get wet.They drink champagne. He rubs sunblock all over her butt. Things go well.

When they get back from their date, Tahzjuan declares that horseback riding is “lame” and demands to know whether Haley and JPJ kissed (they did). It’s very awkward.  Tahz’s “jokes” that she considered spitting in Haley’s wine. She also keeps going on about how she and JPJ are seagulls while Haley is a pigeon.  The Twin steps away so JPJ can sort things out with Tahz, which he does by making a rambling toast that ends with, “I’m physically and emotionally drained right now.”

Now that Derek has had 12 whole hours to get over his breakup with Demi, Tayshia thinks he’s ready to start dating again. “Derek is someone that stood out to me since day one,” she says.

Unfortunately, Derek still can’t even talk about Demi without crying, and he’s not even sure he should stay in Paradise. “I don’t know how to take a next step while I’m here,” he says sadly. Tayshia tells him to take some time and reflect before he makes any decisions.

 

Meanwhile, back at the resort, Caelynn is talking to Demi and bartender Wells about Dean.  While she doesn't seem to have asked for advice, they have a lot of it. “I’ve never felt more comfortable and more myself with anyone,” gushes Caelynn. She wants to push aside her worries about Dean’s “reputation,” but Demi warns Caelynn to keep her guard up. “He has a way of making people feel really special,” she says. “You need to lay down the law.” Wells agrees: “No one’s been able to, like, wrangle him.”

 

They think she needs to make her feelings very clear to him, so if he leaves her for someone else, he won't be able to claim he didn't know where she stood. Bachelor in Paradise is weird in that you don't necessarily want to define the relationship after only a few days together, but if you don't, the person will keep going on dates. (And sometimes even if you do make yourself clear, they make out with someone else in a pool right in front of you.)

 

Suitably chastened, Caelynn decides it’s time to have a “serious” conversation with Dean about their future… or lack thereof. The next morning, she pulls Dean to a daybed and asks him to clarify whether he’s serious serious about her, or just TV serious about her. He couldn't be more blunt. This is good as far as honesty goes, but bad for Caelynn.  

 

"I just want to know where your head’s at," Caelynn says. Dean responds, "All I know is I'm enjoying spending time with you." That’s the good news. Now for the gut-punch: “I suck at dating. It’s challenging for me to see myself getting to a point where I’m like, ‘All right, I’m ready to settle down now.” "I don't want to go to dinner parties on Saturday night and talk about our feelings and emotions." The first part of that sentence sounds alright, but, oof, the ending. "It’s basically like a 'convince me otherwise' situation," he says of not wanting to continue a relationship outside of Paradise. "And I think you would be miserable as my girlfriend." Well, damn.  There will be no “normal life” and Saturday-night dinner parties for Deanie Babies!  Caelynn does NOT love it. “This just feels like it’s gonna stop after Paradise,” she says. Dean does not deny that prediction.  

 

Caelynn says in her confessional, "I guess it's my mistake for thinking everyone comes here with the intention of having a relationship." Um, it's not your fault. That's the point of the show. Sure, not everyone ends up being there for the right reasons, but they are at least operating under the general idea that they'd be cool with dating someone. As we'll talk about further down, Kristina seems to be cruising by just so she can hangout at a resort, but even that is different than starting to date someone and then telling them you don't really want to date anyone on a dating show.

 We also see Blake telling Caitlin that she’s “100 percent” getting his rose.  Oh hey, there’s Kristina! She wants to make sure that Blake is making “good use” of his rose: “If you’re not sure about Caitlin, you shouldn’t lead her on.” Then she pulls out her big guns: “I kept your ass around.” The reverse pep talk seems to work because Blake then turns around and tells Caitlin that he’s “not 100 percent sure” what he’s going to do with his rose. Comedy! And also, as Caitlin puts it, a pretty “s—-y” move.

JPJ, meanwhile, goes from doing cartwheels on the beach with Tahzjuan to play-fighting with Haley on the daybed about whether it’s rude to say “yo” to your girlfriend. But in his heart of hearts, he still wants Tayshia. She, however, wants something else.

Caelynn is also ready to move forward with Dean, even though he’s a homeless commitment-phobe. But hey, he sang her happy birthday! That’s good enough. As for Katie, she’s determined to fix things with Chris before he gives his rose to Jen. “I wanted you to know that I want to be with you 100 percent,” she tells him. “I don’t want you to doubt where my head’s at.” Chris still seems conflicted and hesitant, so Katie almost literally spells it out one more time: “I want to be with you, Chris Bukowski.”

It’s time for the cocktail party. The unoccupied women all head in with an agenda. Tayshia is going to lock down Derek.  After a crazy couple of days in Paradise, JPJ is still into Tayshia. We find out more about his feelings when Tayshia and Derek hit it off at the party before the rose ceremony. Derek tells Tayshia, "We have this friendship weird thing and I would like to break that barrier and see where this takes us."

 

JPJ pulls Demi aside to hang out with her and Kristian is upset to see Demi maybe flirting with someone. She says, “This is not what I signed up for.” That's funny.  I didn't realize she actually signed up for this.  She also makes the really great point that there’s no one there for Kristian to be tempted by. So they’re just not even pretending to be part of the show anymore. We’re just watching two people go on a couple’s trip.

 

It’s time for the rose ceremony and Chris says they’re going to be doing things a little differently. Demi is going to give Kristian a rose first and — oh, that’s it? Okay. “Paradise is all about finding love, no matter what that looks like,” says Harrison, adding that he’s going to “change the rules” by letting Demi hand out the first rose of the evening.   Obviously Demi and the producers discussed the possibility of her bringing Kristian to Paradise before she even arrived. 

 

Dylan gives Hannah his rose, Clay picks Nicole, Mike picks Sydney, Dean gives his rose to Caelynn. Blake gives his rose to Kristina because he’s just bad decisions personified. Derek gives his rose to Tayshia.  Ok.  I get it.  JPJ gives his rose to Haley even though she’s his second choice, and Chris gives his rose to Katie. Caitlin, Tahzjuan, and Jen are going home.  At least Tahzjuan will have some air conditioning in her future.

The episode ends with Dean taking Caelynn down to the beach to talk. No one knows if it's going to be positive or not, including Caelynn. She's even more into him at this point, because he gave her a birthday cake at the cocktail party. Maybe he had a change of heart on the whole going to dinner parties and talking about emotions thing.  We all can see the breakup (ON HER BIRTHDAY) coming a mile away.

 

To be continued …

 

Rico Bye!

Paradise giveth, and Paradise taketh away.  Last night Paradise  took Jordan and Christian away from the show but not before giving Bachelor Nation a look at their piñata throwdown in its full, ridiculous glory.

The last episode of ABC's Bachelor in Paradise left us literally in the middle of a physical fight. A physical fight that started because of a piñata. The Mayor (Jordan Kimball) decided to knock down the piñata Rico Suave (Christian Estrada) had set up for Numnuts Nicole which then led to them pushing each other back and forth...

And this is where last night's episode picks up.  After the pushing escalates, The Mayor of Paradise body slams Rico Suave off of one of those daybed platform things and they continue trying to fight each other on the beach. At this point, security rushes in to pull them off each other. Jordan moves away from the situation with no problem, but Rico Suave breaks free and tries to run back to The Mayor.  Jordan. Twice. Of course, the, like, eight security guards catch him easily. Rico also takes off his shirt while security is walking him away.  Because.  Ya' know.  He's Rico Suave.   

This goes on for a few minutes, even after producers and security get involved. Christian keeps trying to break free to pummel Jordan, who keeps calling him a “bitch.” “I would be pissed if I was Christian, too,” mumbles Blake, while Mike faults “both parties” for being stupid. As for Nicole, her reign as Queen of Paradise has come to an abrupt and sobering end. “It’s one thing to be, like, this fiery guy, but it’s another thing to put someone in danger and, like, physically hurt someone.”

 

The production team agrees. “Anybody who touches anybody else, we can’t have it,” a producer tells Rico.  Though the rest of the contestants are worried that production is going to be shut down completely (again), Troop Leader Chris Harrison arrives to tell them that The Mayor and Rico have been sent home… and it’s back to business as usual in Paradise.  "We had to send two men home," Nicole says, dramatically. Well, they served their time.

 

Speaking of NumNuts, with Rico Suave on the next flight back to Miami, she conveniently finds comfort in Clay Harbor once again. She wanted a man who would be more aggressive in pursuing her, she says of the fight, "but not like this." Nicole and Clay kiss on a daybed next to what appears to be an unacknowledged plate of petit fours. All is well.

Also with Jordan and Christian gone, now only two men are set to leave at the rose ceremony. Two men gone means two more men get to stay this week. But who will give Paradise’s current floaters — Cam, Kevin, Wills, and JPJ — a rose? One possible source: Onyeka. “I have the power!” she says. “Like, woo me.” Anyone? Anyone? But no one seems interesting in forming a “connection” with her.  The rose that is most up in the air is Hannah Godwin's.  Poor Hannah's debating between Vitamin B and Vitamin D.  I see what you did there Hannah! 

 

Dylan takes his shot by setting up a picnic spread complete with a cheese plate and Hannah’s favorite candy, gummy worms.   Blake tries to top that by commissioning a mariachi quartet by saying, "Tonight I want to remind you why you have a little bit of a crush on me" and they swing dance (Blake's signature move).  Nobody swing dances to Cielito Lindo! Even so, Hannah LOVES it.   Blake and Hannah start making out, right where Dylan can see them. "Everyone’s like, 'Don't watch,'" says Dylan. "I'm like, 'I need to see it.'" He cries.  Man, can this guy cry!  Again with the smooching Blake right in front of Dylan! “Hannah, come on, baby,” says Mike The Man. “Don’t do my boy Dylan like that… You know better.” “She’s putting me through so much s—,” says Dylan through tears. “It’s not fair.” Again with the crying.  

 

On to the Rose Ceremony! 

 

Before the ceremony even begins, Onyeka Ehie announces that she'll be leaving. As she says in her confessional, "I just feel like I've been passed by by every person here ... The same girls are going on the same dates." That really sucks. It also sucks that this is hard for her to the point where she feels she can't just chill on the beach and drink margaritas with Wells Adams. You can tell the pressure really got to her.

Chris Harrison is mid-preamble when Onyeka interrupts. “Can I say something really quick?”
“I can’t give out a rose to anyone tonight,” she says tearfully. “I’ve met amazing friends, so I’m not leaving here with nothing.”  With this revelation, now three guys are going home.

Demi gives her rose to Derek.  Katie gives her rose to Contestant Emeritus Chris Bukowski.  NumNuts Nicole gives her rose to Clay (turns out she doesn’t want a spicy assertive rageaholic after all!).  Caelynn gives her rose to Dean and Tayshia asks JPJ to accept her rose which he replies "Yas Queen!"  Sydney (why is she still here????) gives her rose to Mike the Man.  Hannah gives her rose to (cue the suspenseful music) Dylan.  Mike is to see Blake get the shaft.  Basically everyone but Blake is grinning ear-to-ear over this development. Hannah thanks Dylan for being “patient” and “understanding” and “awesome” before handing him the rose. Everyone is happy about her decision.  And this is where I take issue. 

 

Obviously, I'm a little biased when it comes to Hannah G because I do think she's a very sweet girl.  I find Dylan creepy and obsessive.  He had his eyes set on Hannah before the show even started and I think he covets her in a trophy way.  He's in love with the idea of her.  Not with her.  And I'm annoyed that everyone in Paradise is convinced she's breaking his heart.  He knows what he signed  up for.  She feels pressure to be with Dylan because he's a good guy and Blake is not.  The other Runner-Ups just need to lay off and stay in their lanes (I'm looking at you Tayshia). 

 

And then, in a bizarre, unforeseen twist, Kristina gives her rose to Blake!  Wait.  What???  The cast is positively shook about Kristina and Blake. Why would she choose Blake? Does she really think he deserves a second chance at love like she says? 

 

Well, after the ceremony she goes up to Blake and says, "Welcome to your personal hell, because you're going to be here to watch [Dylan and Hannah]." Wow. This is like when she asked Blake on a date and told the camera, "I'm going to make him my bitch."  She's cold as ice.  And I like it.  She could have given her rose to Wills, Kevin, or even AlwaysBeCam, for crying out loud!  Instead, those three dudes are going home. Fare thee well, guys! We’ll probably see at least one of you on the beach next season.  Cam says "Always Be Crying" as he makes his exit.

The next day, a new lady enters Paradise. I vaguely remember this woman from Colton’s season of The Bachelor, but nothing really jumps out.  After getting the polite brush-off from Dean, Derek, and JPJ, Caitlin decides to ask her old Stagecoach buddy Blake on the date.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  In what has to be the greatest moment of the night, Blake confirms, "We met at Stagecoach.  Nothing happened!” Are you shitting me right now??  Good lord, was there some kind of Bachelor Nation tent at the festival or something? In case anyone was wondering about Stagecoach:  here's the link to the 2019 line-up:  https://www.stagecoachfestival.com/lineup#/artists/alphabetical  Some pretty big names.  2020 dates for the Indo, CA festival have been announced:  April  24-26. 

 

Either way, Blake is just happy that someone is into him. Their date activity is Tantric yoga.  Let’s get those sexual chakras flowing.  

After the intense stretching, Blake fills Caitlin in on his Paradise (and pre-Paradise) history with the women on the beach. It is a long monologue punctuated only by Caitlin’s confused “Uh-huhs.” When Blake’s finished, Caitlin assures him that it’s all “fine,” and they make out in the pool. 

 

Producers are all, Don’t get too happy too quick, Blake! As soon as he and Caitlin return from their date, Sydney finds a date card addressed to Dylan. Of course, he asks Hannah to come, much to Blake’s chagrin. “It sucks that they’re, like, dating right in front of me,” he complains.

 

Moving away from that mess, Dylan and Hannah finally get some alone time that isn't full of tears and the threat of Hannah and Blake breaking into dance. At dinner, Dylan can’t help but be a little too eager. First, he tells Hannah that the reason he fought so hard for her is because he was inspired by his mom, who fiercely held the family together when his dad was diagnosed with cancer. Then, he drops a partial l-bomb: “I’m starting to fall in love with you.” She doesn’t reciprocate exactly, but Hannah assures Dylan that she is “all in” with him.  Um.  Congratulations??  “I know that she’ll get there,” says creepy Dylan. And cue the Aztec warrior-dancers!

 

Back at the beach, Katie and Chris are being all flirty and cute. He thinks his sixth Bachelor show might really be the charm. Back in 2015, Chris hit “rock bottom” when he exited Paradise by walking through a beach bonfire. Today, though, he’s “in a better place” and “excited about Katie.”

 

And Tayshia and John Paul Jones are also all flirty and cute. JPJ admits that he feels "like a nervous schoolboy," "completely incapacitated," and "foolish even going after her." But he also calls Tayshia "the most incredible woman [he's] ever met in [his] life." He can't believe a woman as beautiful as her is giving him the time of day, and even says he's starting to fall in love with her.

 

JPJ reveals to Tayshia that he was in a serious relationship after college and was close to getting engaged, but he decided she wasn’t the one. “I’ve known for a long time that I’m ready to settle down,” he says. “I’m looking forward to spending more time with you.” Indeed, JPJ is a little sad that he didn’t get to see much of Tayshia until night fell, but she has a perfect excuse: “It’s not my fault that you take 12 naps a day, JPJ!” Wow, this man may be my spirit animal.

 

“I think it’s bizarre that JPJ and I are hitting it off like we are,” she admits. “He’s extremely intelligent and very good to look at.” And she seems to be into it, going in for a kiss and admitting in confessional interviews that there's a lot more to JPJ than meets the eye. Although what meets the eye is, as she puts it, "a really hot version of Heath Ledger," which is nothing to sneeze at either.  My prediction for season's end is that JPJ and Tayshia won't necessarily walk away engaged, but they will have a cute time in the fantasy suite and leave with each other's final roses.

 

The final act of this episode however, is all about Demi. Derek, The John Krasinski lookalike, says Demi is helping to heal his “wounded heart.” Unfortunately, Demi is still thinking about Kristian, the woman she was dating back home. “One of them deserves to have all of me.” It’s hard for her to make a choice, Demi continues, when one of her options isn’t there with her in Paradise. Hmmm… something tells me that’s going to change. But first…

 

Yes, former Bachelorette Hannah Brown has flown all the way to Mexico to give Demi a pep talk about being her true self, etc. As soon as she’s done catching up with Hannah, Demi pulls Derek aside for an “open and honest” and, one would think, share some news with him about how she feels. But instead, it's just the same thing she's been saying all along about liking him and liking the the girl back home.  “I really, really think about [Kristian] a lot, and I have so many feelings for her,” she says. “And I have so many feelings for you, too, and I’m so confused.”   And as he has been all along, Derek is chill and says he just wants to spend whatever time with her he can.  Derek is understandably disappointed, but he believes that they have a “special connection” and he doesn’t want to walk away from their relationship yet. “It’s okay to not know how you feel,” he adds. “I’m not giving up now… I want you in my life.” Awww, is this guy a gem or what?

 

And the episode ends on a cliffhanger (of course!) with Demi requesting to speak with Chris Harrison. 

 

 

Heartbreak Hacienda

Lots of heartbreak last night on BIP.  Poor Hannah.  Poor Derek.  Poor Dylan.  Poor Cam.  Poor Clay. 

According to Demi, everyone thinks she and Derek are the strongest couple in Paradise.  And why wouldn’t they? The guy is willing to smell her stinky armpit.  That's true love right there.  Like when my husband asks me to smell the container of sour cream because he thinks it's bad.  It's called "sour" cream for a reason honey. 

But Demi is feeling “conflicted” about their relationship because she’s still thinking about the woman she was dating before she came to Paradise. Though she’s not yet ready to tell Derek what’s bothering her, she does confide in Katie. “I’ve been dating a woman back home,” she says. “I do miss her and I think about her all the time.” Being on Paradise, Demi adds, was a way for her to “figure out stuff” about herself. “I’m always afraid of how people are going to take it,” says Demi, tearing up. “There’s layers to me… This is about me embracing that side of me.”

Demi recently told her parents that she “likes boys and girls,” and they supported her. That’s nice to hear, especially since Demi says she’s been surrounded by people who made her feel “really bad” and “unworthy” her whole life.

Having failed to talk to Hannah during her dance lesson with Blake, Dylan manages to pull her aside the next day for a WTF chat. “I just don’t see why you’re so open to other things right now if we’re doing so well,” he says.  Honestly, he's got to go.  Just go already.  Hannah insists that she owes it to herself to stay “open-minded.”  "I feel like I don't know something," he says. And there it is folks.  Hannah G casually mentions that there is one other thing: Before Paradise, Blake flew to see Hannah in Birmingham.  Uninvited but apparently not unwelcome. Apparently, Blake told her, "In order to show you who I am, I booked a flight to Birmingham." “Like, we kissed there,” says Hannah.  At this news, Dylan just walks away. Poor Dylan!  Keep walking buddy.  Keep walking. 
“This is just like the ultimate slap in the face,” he moans. And Tayshia is having none of it.  She's pissed that Hannah didn’t mention Blake’s little visit before her date with him last week. She said she and Hannah bonded over being blindsided by Colton Underwood on The Bachelor. This being the case, Tayshia thinks Hannah should have told her about her previous connection to Blake before Tayshia went on a date with him on the first night.

When confronted though, Hannah claims that Blake’s trip to Birmingham was a “private thing” and she didn’t tell anyone “out of respect for him.” On top of that, she feels “attacked” by Tayshia. “I feel like she Mean Girled me,” she whispers.  And she is 100% right.  Tayshia was being a salty bitch.  Stay in your lane Tayshia.

 

Some guy named Dean’s here.  He homeless and unemployed.  He sometimes showers in lakes and rivers.  “You are a catch!” jokes Harrison. “What woman wouldn’t want to lock you down?” And he's sporting a ridiculous porn-stache.  “It’s a little ‘70s,” says the Chris Harrison.  “Like you might be shooting videos in the Valley somewhere.” (That’s where they used to shoot porn, kids). 

After chatting with Katie, Onyeka, and his Paradise ex Kristina, Dean sits down with Caelyn, who is, in his words, “an absolute mess right now.” You see, earlier that afternoon, Kristina rather cluelessly had a conversation with Wells about Caelyn, even though Caelyn was sitting right next to her. The beauty queen is understandably annoyed at Kristina for “spreading my business to every guy on this beach.” And she also mentions something about being slut shamed.  Still, she pulls it together long enough to say yes when Dean asks her on a date.  Though Caelyn says she’s “very guarded” going into her date with Dean (“he has a reputation”), that guard comes down pretty quick and she still manages to kick back a margarita or two. 

On their date, Dean said he was ashamed of how he acted on Paradise before, and that he would never do it again. But Caelyn said she was very intrigued by Dean and his lifestyle, which is aimless traveling. He openly has no ambitions and no foresight. Caelyn loves it. Caelyn is 23. She loves how honest he is about who he is. "He's enigmatic and mysterious," she said. Oh, Caelyn. Ah, youth. This new development between Caelyn and Dean leaves Mike The Man and Cam out in the cold, at least for now. "I think the Caelyn ship has sailed,” sighs Cam sadly. “It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”  The poor guy is suicidal. 

And then some guy named Christian showed up.  I will call him Rico Suave from now on.  Who's Christian, you ask? “He was a night-one guy on Becca’s season,” explains Jordan, the self proclaimed Mayor of Paradise.  “Stood by the meatballs the whole night and was just the guy with the mustache.” And apparently Jordan doesn't approve of Rico Suave's choice of footwear either.  “He wore athletic shoes to Paradise,” says Jordan, appalled. “Like, on entrance.”  "Go buy a pair of espadrilles you fucking asshole," says Jordan when Christian shows up to the beach in running shoes. For the record, espadrilles are a great beach look.  And kudos to Jordan for knowing what espadrilles are.  That modeling gig is really paying off. 

Now Rico Suave is hoping to secure another 15 minutes by romancing Nicole. And she LOVES it. “I was kind of expecting her to maybe say no because she already had a good connection she already had a good connection here,” says Clay. “But she didn’t, and she agreed to go on a date with him.”
And it’s going to be hard for Clay to compete with Rico Suave because the new guy is totally Nicole’s type. “He reminds me of a man I would have dated in Miami… I just met him and he’s already making me feel like he’s my boyfriend.” Well if that's the case, maybe you should have just stayed in Miami???  Nicole has now been on three dates, which leads her to declare, "I feel like the Bachelorette!" It's very cute, even though the shit is about to hit the fan.

 

Poor Clay. Might be time to start packing. “I worry that he’s a little too passive,” says Nicole. “What I like about Christian is he’s totally unafraid to just go for it.” She wants a man who’s going to be (respectfully) assertive about getting her attention, and she tells Clay as much. “You definitely have the opportunity to pull me aside,” she says. “I had a good time on today’s date mostly just because Christian was really assertive, and that’s kind of a quality I do like.”

Clay quickly gets a chance to prove how assertive he can really be. Rico Suave strolls up to the day bed, drink in hand, and announces that he wants to finish his date with Nicole. “She’s all yours tomorrow, if that’s what she wants,” he says. Clay begs to differ. “Your date’s over when you come back to Paradise,” he says calmly. “You had a date, and your date’s over.”

Nicole looks like she can’t decide if she loves it that two grown men are fighting over her, or if she’s mortified that two grown men are fighting over her. But she for sure doesn’t like it when Rico Suave puts her on the spot by asking her to settle the dispute. “I’m just catching up with [Clay] now,” she says. Finally, Rico Suave walks back to the bar, where he and the lizard crawling up his shirt have some much-needed quiet time.

 

Next week we'll see the rose ceremony but Chris Harrison does the numbers for those of us who are mathematically challenged:  “The numbers are even worse this week. Nine of you ladies, thirteen guys here. Four men are going home tonight.” You heard the man, folks — get to work!

 

At the cocktail party, there's a lot of flirting going on. Mike The Man is getting to know Sydney.  His move involves bringing her a banana split sundae and praising her “core values.”  I can't figure this girl out.  She looks bored to death on the show (as she did on Colton's season).  She looks too smart to be on this type of reality show.  Katie and Chris are still hanging out. And, most importantly, John Paul Jones has memorized lines from Romeo and Juliet to recite to Tayshia, who he calls "hands down the most beautiful girl here." His recital doesn't go so smoothly, but it wins Tayshia — and Bachelor Nation — over. No one saw this coming, including Tayshia.  She LOVES it. “Usually guys that talk like him don’t have a brain like him,” she purrs. Tayshia was into his intellectual surfer dude vibe.

Demi has no doubt that she wants to give her rose to Derek, but first she needs to tell him the truth about her love life: “I have, like, been casually dating someone, and… it’s a woman.” Derek doesn’t flinch, so Demi plows forward, telling him that she’s still “very much interested” in dating him, provided he has no issues with her revelation. Derek truly seems unfazed, though he is a little worried that Demi might have stronger feelings for the woman back home than she does for him. The two agree to take it slow, and all is right with the world. “How he handled it was so perfect,” gushes Demi. “He exceeded my expectations entirely.”

                                                                                                                          

Over on another daybed, the battle for Nicole rages on. Rico Suave sets up a little beachside rendezvous complete with champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and… a piñata? Okay. Clay watches from afar and decides that he needs to interrupt Rico Suave's romantic tableau. If Nicole wants him to be more assertive, he’ll be more assertive dammit!  But when he tries to “steal” Nicole for a minute, Rico Suave puffs his chest up and barks, “I’m not gonna let you take her!” Nicole looks so uncomfortable, Clay backs down, much to the chagrin of the other guys — especially Jordan. In an effort to avenge his friend, the pot-stirring model jogs over to where Rico Suave and Nicole are sitting and tries to yank the piñata down. It does not go over well.  Rico Suave tries to stop him and that's how the big fight happens. It moves very quickly from a little shove over the piñata to a full on wrestling match. The episode ends before the fight is even over.

This episode leaves us with several few questions:

• Who are you rooting for in the Clay-Nicole-Christian triangle?
• Why aren't more of the ladies into Mike Johnson?  They all seem to like him, but he's not really dating anyone. Are they all part of a plan to make him Bachelor? ~Conspiracy!~
• Is it possible that Tayshia is truly into John Paul Jones?
• Would you date an unemployed van-dweller with a porn-star mustache? 
• Why is everyone so upset with my girl Hannah G when Nicole and Caelyn have each gone on several dates?  And Caelyn clearly only kissed ABCam just to get a rose and keep the free vacay going. 
• Why was JPJ sleeping in the pool and why isn't he getting more airtime dammit?????!!!!!

BIP

As I was new to The Bachelor and the Bachelorette, I am a first-timer when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise.  The first time I had heard about the show was when there was some inappropriate behavior and filming was stopped.  IDK the particulars so I will just leave it at that. 

Here's a list of the Bachelor In Paradise 2019 players if you need a quick recap: 
https://ftw.usatoday.com/2019/08/bachelor-in-paradise-2019-cast-guide-photos

Last night was episode #3 (or, the first episode of week #2 -- the show airs on Monday's and Tuesday's) and consists of, for lack of a better word, the "unchosen" from previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  IDK what they call the people on BIP.  Are they called the "cast?"  Are they called "daters" or "former" Bachelors or Bachelorettes?  Someone enlighten me please! 

This show is weird to me on so many levels.  Similar to the Bachelor or Bachelorette, I've noticed that several "contestants" have mentioned that their goal is to be engaged by the end of the show.  Much like The Amazing Race or Survivor, everyone seems to have a plan going in.  Like Survior, "the unchosen" go home after each rose ceremony.  Unlike the Amazing Race, the "contestants" don't seem to do much.  They just kind of hang around the house (which is insane BTW) and wait to go on dates.  It's reminds me of a harem or the minors.  Everyone one is just lounging around until they get called up to the big leagues.  The "unchosen" have obviously watched previous seasons and know in advance who they are attracted to and interested in.  A couple of unexpected/unannounced "contestants" are also thrown into the mix to liven things up.  Last night we saw Mike the Man from Hannah Bannanas season show up and some tool named Jordan.  Holy shit.  That guy is a total ass clown. More on him later. 

Let's talk about the two Instagram-feuding "contestants" Blake and Caelynn (Caeylnn, IMHO is a trouble-maker.  I do not like her).  After being portrayed as a bed-hopping, music-festival man-whore on last week’s episodes, Blake took to social media to defend himself. He released texts from Caelynn which he says proved they were both just looking for a no-strings-attached hookup. She, in turn, spoke out and said those texts were “not an accurate representation” of their relationship.  Whatever.  They both behaved badly and she came on the show to make him look bad.  They are both idiots. 

There was a rose ceremony last night and Derek (IDK who this guy is) gives his rose to Demi which she accepts with a lusty, “Yeah, bitch!”  Kind of anti-climatic for me since it was leaked that Demi has a girlfriend back home.  Clay gives his rose to Nicole (who was so, so whiney on Colton's season; I think she cried every episode she was in).  Wills (IDK who this guy is) gives his rose to Katie and Kevin gives his rose to Sydney (IDK who either of these people are).  My personal favorite, JPJ gives his rose to Onyeka and ABC Cam gives his rose to Caelynn.  Caelynn clearly made out with him last just to get rose and not be "eliminated."  I do not like her.  Before Blake has his big chance, Dylan gives his rose to Hannah.  Blake, in turn, gives his rose to Tayshia.  Tayshia took Blake's rose only because she wants to stay for the free vacay.  "I'm not a backup plan, and that's what he thinks I am," she says in her confessional. "So, Blake who?"  Contestant Chris gives his rose to Kristina. That means Jane (I think she was the one who tried to kill JPJ last week with poisoned tacos), Bibiana, and Annaliese (IDK who any of these people are) have been eliminated, must extinguish their torches and leave the island at once. 

 

Jordan, the self-proclaimed “Mayor of Paradise,” arrives to a less-than-enthusiastic reception (“Don’t everybody get up at once to meet me!” he jokes).  Even with a date card in hand, poor Jordan can’t get anyone to go out with him.  First, Jordan chats up Hannah; she’s a model too, so Jordan thinks they could be a “Barbie and Ken” power couple. She tells him his eyes are "bomb"; he tells her "You're cuter than I imagined"; and together they recap all the Blake drama. "[Blake's] putting his spoon in all the pudding," Jordan declares. "But this is my beach." He decides to go ahead and ask Hannah on a date and she says "yes."  The whole convo was weird and kind of like rapid-fire dating.  It was like an interrogation or a shady back alley business deal.  The guy is slimy and very full of himself. 

 

Next, he pulls Nicole aside, and when she tells him that she works as a writer, his response is absurd perfection: “I love words.” Once he starts hearing about all of Blake’s pre-Paradise shenanigans, though, Jordan gets distracted from his date mission and asks Kristina to give him the full scoop on the Stagecoach drama. “Blake one-nighted both of these gals like they were a couple of milk cartons at lunch!” he marvels. “You can’t do that, buddy!” 

 

Unfortunately for Jordan, Hannah has a change of heart.  Hannah realized that having two men after her (Dylan and Blake) was more than enough already.  The c–k-blocked Jordan channels all of his irritation in Blake’s direction. “I didn’t come to Blake in Paradise season 1,” he grumbles. “This is Bachelor in Paradise season 6!” To that end, the male model (?) pulls Blake aside to air his grievances, Festivus-style. “I know you. You are better than this,” he tells Blake. “It’s gonna get real crazy if there’s eight girls here saying they’re seeing you. It does not look good.”

On to his Paradise Plan B: Nicole! Jordan tells her that he “respects” her connection with Clay, but that doesn’t mean they can’t go on a date and have some fun, right? Right! Nicole is definitely into Clay, but she also can’t resist the spotlight of attention that a Paradise date brings. “I went from going on zero one-on-one dates on The Bachelor to going on, like, two back-to-back one-on-one dates,” she says with a giggle. “I’m the Bachelorette in Paradise!”  She's an idiot.  Little does Nicole know that Jordan tells the camera and all of Bachelor Nation that she wasn't his first choice. 

Clay handles it well. “In basketball, if you’re open for a shot… and somebody comes out of nowhere and swats it, you can’t be like, ‘Bro, why’d you block my shot?’ That’s the name of the game.”  He goes on to do a bunch of sports analogies like ice being slippery and a some other babble.  All of the women force fake laughter.  Jordan and Nicole have a good time ziplining. Doesn’t Nicole look like she’s having fun????  To be fair, that helmet-cam angle is not very flattering. Even though she had fun on her date with Jordan, Nicole returns to the beach and heads right back into Clay’s arms. “There’s no comparison,” she says, smooching him.

Cam has been laser-beam focused on Caelynn since before he came to Paradise. “Before I was even on The Bachelorette, I wanted her to be my Bachelorette,” he says. “It’s very surreal to think that in a very short period of time, I could be proposing to Caelynn.”  Whoa.  Just Whoa.  Slow your roll, buddy. Caelynn just needed a rose this week.  And she definitely does not need you to read her a two-page handwritten note about how into her you are. Sample line: “I licked my lower lip, and your jalapeno-rita spice still lingered and brought me such joy.”  She looked less than thrilled and not very nice as her read his love letter.  I do not like her. 

                               

Fortunately for us all, help is on the way!  Mike Johnson, owner of the best smile in Bachelor Nation and the man who many of us would like to see as the next Bachelor, has arrived. Cam is bummed because, in his mind, Mike is the reason Hannah Brown sent him home on The Bachelorette. 

Though Onyeka is clearly infatuated with Mike, he asks Caelynn on the date instead. Cam is devastated — a little too devastated, to be honest. “I was born to be a husband, I was born to be a father,” he says tearfully. “It’s gonna happen… I just want it to be here.” Too bad Caeyln looked like a hot sweaty nervous mess on her date with Mike.  Ick.  I do not like her. 

Having struck out with Hannah last week, Wills gives his rose to Katie and then attempts to make his “intentions” known with a private chat the next night. “I feel like you’re such an amazingly beautiful woman, not just physically,” he says. “I feel like you deserve the world, and you deserve someone to take you on a date every single night you’re here.” It’s a lovely sentiment that makes Katie cry… but not in the happy-tears kind of way. She shuts him down and starts crying and just seems incredibly overwhelmed by everything. (In her own words on Twitter, she was "malfunctioning," which is both a hilarious and highly accurate way to put it.).  She's basically incoherent and the only words we hear from her are:  “shut this door” and “it’s not going to be between us right now.”

Out of nowhere here comes some guy named Chris.  “My favorite part of the day is always talking to you,” he says. “It’s easy for me to be open with you.” Suddenly, they’re smooching on the day bed.  From what I can gather, this is not Chris B's first rodeo.  

Producers made sure that Dylan got to go before Blake at the rose ceremony, so he starts the week with the upper hand in this love triangle. But Blake isn’t giving up. “Even though Hannah got her rose from Dylan, I think me and Hannah really do have something special,” he says. “I won’t let any other guys down here come between us.”

Demi and Katie both try to warn Hannah against Blake. It’s obvious to them, and to all of America, that Dylan is the true-blue guy in this scenario. Just look at how happy he is when Hannah tells him she’s not going on a date with Jordan!  I cannot disagree more.  I find Dylan to be smothering and slightly creepy.  And my gay-dar went off big time when he was on Hannah Banannas season. 

Not all of the “ladies” in Paradise trust Hannah or her intentions. “There’s a lot of red flags that Dylan is not seeing,” says Sydney. Oh, okay Sydney.  What about the red flags Hannah's not seeing from Dylan?  Huh, what about those?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.  Zip it Sydney.  “From what I’ve seen of Hannah, she went from really feeling Dylan one second, and then going in with Blake. If I were Dylan, I’d be pissed.”

Don’t worry, Sydney. Dylan is about to be very pissed, because Blake just stole Hannah for a romantic nighttime dance on the beach. “I’m all in,” he tells Hannah. “I wouldn’t be saying the things I’m saying unless I see, like, something past Paradise.” Apparently, the “spin-dancing” thing is Blake’s tried-and-true move: Both Tayshia and Kristina say he used it on them in the past. And dancing, of course, leads to kissing.
                                   And then things get hella awkward.  Dylan is creepily watching the action on the beach and after watching his crush smooch Blake for a few minutes, Dylan works up the courage to interrupt them. He asks Hannah to come chat with him, but Blake objects. “I feel like you’ve had her, like, all day man,” he says. “You’ve, like, shadowed her.” Dylan counters that he just wants to focus on Hannah, while Blake has been hitting on “every other girl here.” Burn! Blake, in turn, accuses Dylan of making Hannah feel uncomfortable, and on and on it goes. 

I've noticed that the male "contestants" behave like caveman and don't really seem to care what their female counterparts think.  Kind of like Luke P or douche canoe Jed, these guys have clearly set their sights on one woman and will stop at nothing to get her.  She's a prize to them rather than a love interest or life partner.  I love a strong, sexy alpha male as much as the next person but these guys are taking chest beating to a whole 'nother level. 

At this point I was a bit disappoint and frustrated as my girl Hannah she just stood there twirling her hair.  I don't know why she didn't say something to either or both of these hormonal neanderthals.  Instead she remains quiet and cute looking blankly at Dylan until he walks away. “She’s a freaking player!” grouses Tayshia. “Just like Blake.”

The episode ends with Dylan in his confessional wondering if Hannah and Blake hooked up prior to BIP.  The trailer for the next episode shows one of "ladies" asking "did you fly to Alabama?" 

Still not enough JPJ in this episode.