I think everyone in Bachelor Nation breathed a little easier last night knowing they did not have to see or hear Luke P.  Which is good for Bachelorette fans.  Unfortunately, for Hannah, her decisions aren’t getting any easier.  Also, unfortunately for Hannah, her gown at the rose ceremony was horrible.  Like, bad prom dress from 2007 horrible.  And her hair was a hot mess.  And the jewelry was off. 

Last night was part one of the season finale.  I was bored once she had her rose ceremony and started playing Plants vs. Zombies on my phone.  The episode started off with Pete the Pilot, Tyler C and Big Head Jed still standing at that rose ceremony in Crete.  Luke P has been escorted off but Hannah still only has two roses to hand out and she’s still not sure she’s making the right choice. She walks out to face her “three amazing men” and rambles about how “blessed” she is to know them all. 

But it’s decision time: She hands her first rose to Jed (W.  T.  F????), who happily accepts. Keep in mind, Big Head Jed is the only contestant she’s told she’s falling in love with so far. She dabs away a tear before handing her second and final rose to… Tyler C! That means Pete the Pilot is going home.  Again -- W.  T.  F????  This would make one believe that their night in the windmill wasn't as great as it sounded, huh?  More on that later. 

Hannah fights back sobs as she walks Peter out, telling him he’s “the dream guy."  I'm so confused already and we're less than 10 minutes into the show.  If he's your dream guy, why is he going home?  He puts on a brave face and tells her she’ll always have “a piece of my heart.” But even he breaks down in tears before getting in the car, giving her a final hug and kiss.  On the car ride home (or maybe to the airport?  Did Pete the Pilot have to fly himself back to the States?) he admits “it hurts like a bitch” but he doesn’t blame Hannah. He still loves her… and she’s still sobbing amid the Grecian ruins.  There’s probably some Freudian analysis of the fact that she sent home the only dude she bragged about having sex with.

We then get a mini “After the Final Rose,” with Peter reliving his heartbreak in front of a live studio audience. He recounts how he first fell in love with Hannah while they were watching fireworks in Latvia and admits he’s still hung up on her. Hannah joins him to tell him “there wasn’t anything wrong” with their relationship but she “was falling for two other guys, too” and “had to follow my heart.” Peter wants to know what moment changed things for her. Hannah says there wasn’t really one moment … but she can find something if you just let her. Hannah tells him that her love language is “Words of Affirmation” and he should have read that weird book before he went on the season. She does wish he would’ve told her how he felt a little sooner, though. 

Finally, Hannah says that she actually lied to Luke about her time in the windmill with Peter and she wants to set the record straight. Hannah spends a lot of time this episode being honest about something that literally no one requires her to be honest about. She tells us that she and Peter had sex four times in the windmill. No Freudian analysis needed. I think Hannah sent Peter home because they had no time to talk about anything important or emotional.

When Hannah reveals she was “scared of letting go of the perfect guy,” an audience member shouts out, “You did!” (I think that might have been Peter's cute mom throwing some shade).  Chris Harrison can’t resist throwing in a windmill joke and Hannah confesses that she wasn’t totally truthful when she said they did it twice in that windmill.  “It was actually four times.”  And Peter’s parents applaud! That’s my boy!  Chris Harrison chides Hannah for talking about sex in front of Barb, Peter’s mom. But then he stands up and salute’s Peter’s dad and says that he must be puffing out his chest because his son can do it four times a night.  Look.  I'm no prude and talk openly about sex with both of my adult children.  However, this sums up America’s entire attitude toward sex. It’s that double-edged sword -- if a woman has multiple partners or enjoys sex, she's a slut.  If a man has multiple partners or can get it up four times in one night in a windmill, he's a stud.  

Back in Crete Hannah is still deciding between Tyler C and Big Head Jed and prepares to introduce the two remaining contesticles to meet her family.   Hannah sets up her date with Tyler by telling her family that she told Tyler she didn’t want to go to pound town in the fantasy suite and he was cool with it! She also says that she doesn’t know if she’s in love with Tyler or falling in lust with him.

Sweet, thoughtful manly-man dancing general contractor Tyler shows up with flowers and the way Hannah gazes into his eyes, it looks like Jed doesn’t stand a chance. Hannah’s mom is charmed by him, too, (duh!) and even her dad is won over by the restraint he showed in the fantasy suite. Hannah’s dad was ready to risk it all for Tyler. I think Mr. Brown may have a little man-crush on Tyler and who can blame him?  Hannah admits to her mom she could see herself getting engaged to Tyler.  And, in a private moment, Hannah Bannanas tells Tyler she’s “been falling in love with” him. So he just pulled dead even with Jed.  "I never thought I'd be this excited about Tyler," Hannah says. W.  T.  F???? 

Tyler absolutely STUNS her family and it’s not even fair. Tyler tells her parents that he wants to be her biggest cheerleader and for Hannah to be his wife and the mother of his children. After his date, Hannah tells him that she didn’t let herself feel her feelings for him and was convinced she didn’t love him but was only in lust with him.

 

Up next is Jed’s time to meet the family. Hannah starts the day very nervous and she hopes that her family sees Jed the way she does. Red flag!  You’re always hoping that people are going to like the guys you like. That’s not a good sign. They should be likable on their own.

 

Jed warms up the family by telling them that he’s a musician and that’s the path he’s chosen but that Hannah is pretty great, too. He says that he’s only got the purest extensions for Hannah. Oh, sorry, purest INTENTIONS. The lines of human romance he wrote on his hand got smudged while he was practicing one of his myriad other skills. Listen, I’m not saying that all of Jed’s lines are rehearsed. What I’m saying is that they’re POORLY rehearsed.

Jed has a chance to sneak ahead with his own meet-the-parents moment, but when he announces he’s a musician, Hannah’s mom looks… skeptical? Her dad asks how Jed plans to “provide” for his daughter, and Jed tries to reassure him by telling him he’s signed a deal to write, wait for it, a dog food jingle! Jed says, and I quote, “I want to have many facets of income and backup plans.” What kind of unemployed-fuckboy bullshit is this? Jed’s biggest accomplishment is writing a dog-food jingle. Name literally any dog-food jingle. Dog food doesn’t have jingles.

“They don’t think I’m adequate or something,” Jed whines in a confessional, while Hannah’s mom warns her about his Nashville “lifestyle.” Hannah bristles a bit at their less-than-glowing feedback “Now I’m freaking out.”

Hannah’s mom can’t help but compare Jed and Tyler, and she says that Jed has qualities.  Hannah’s dad says Jed didn’t exactly give him “direct answers” to his questions, and starts spewing some “man of the house” stuff.  Unfortunately, Hannah’s dad brings all this up because he thinks the man should be doing the providing and he shouldn’t rely on the woman.  OK.  This is where I got really annoyed.  Hannah B's season was all about her rebelling against the patriachary.  She's fierce!  She's had sex in a windmill!  And Jesus still loves her!  Go Hannah!  You are a shining example of a modern woman and a wonderful role model to young girls every where!  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  And yet here's your dad acting like a caveman.  And at this point, in my humble opinion, your dad is no better than Luke P with his antiquated thinking.  Even more unfortunately, Hannah’s rebuttal is that she’s got all the talents, too. Do we even know what Hannah does for a living?  I read somewhere that's she's a "very" successful interior designer.  Just say you want to be an Instagram influencer and let’s be done with it.

 When Jed comforts her, she tells him how great things went with Tyler C. and her family, confessing: “I’m now confused.” Jed tries to remind her that “we know what we have,” but Hannah is still nervous: “Two people are in my heart at the same time, and I don’t want to make the wrong decision.”

And Hannah’s family does that very annoying thing where they repeatedly say that marriage is “one and done” for them. Yeah. It is for everybody. No one is going into a marriage thinking they’re going to get divorced. Even the shittiest, worst couple you know who hate each other thinks marriage is forever. 

She has one more date with each guy.  She tortures poor Tyler with another horseback riding date and they enjoy a hilltop picnic.  It all seems sweet and effortless. Like how a date should be.  She smiles so hard her earrings pop off.  That night, they talk about making a life together and having a family.  When it’s Jed’s turn, they head out on a boat together through some choppy waters (metaphor alert!).  Our girl gets seasick (which is totally sexy and romantic) and they both admit how uneasy they are about where things stand. And now the reality that she has to let one of these guys go is hitting her straight in the face.  Along with all the nausea.  Hannah and Jed's date left me with a couple of questions:  why didn't he offer to hold her hair back while she was blowing chunks off the boat and why was he wearing a leather belt with no shirt? 

At dinner, Hannah and Jed still seem anxious and awkward together.  They’re definitely setting this up to be an easy Tyler win, right?  Hannah goes outside because she’s freaking out and Jed tries to comfort her. I noticed that every time Jed goes to comfort Hannah, he says something like “You know how I feel” or “You know I believe in us.” He doesn’t actually offer how he feels or how much he believes in their relationship. He’s asking her to remember that he does. It’s probably a nervous tic, but he does it so much. He doesn’t generate or offer a single feeling, at least not a new one. She knows what they have. What do they have? Unclear.

Compare that to how Tyler talks to and about her. He says he feels like a giddy little kid and that he wants her to be safe, protected, and loved. He also says he wants to argue with her in Home Depot about paint colors. That is true fucking love.

Meanwhile, she vomits while on a boat with Jed and he complains that her dad didn’t let him explain how he has a system to turn $1,000 into $10,000 and it’s not a pyramid scheme. Hannah and Jed spend the entire day portion of the date talking about the treacherous seas and rough waters ahead … on the catamaran. Yeah, on the boat.

Eventually, Hannah comes out live on stage to say the last two months have been “really tough and emotional” and refers to “all the rumors out there,” saying she needs “a lot of answers” (??) from someone tomorrow night. Hannah and Chris stare directly into the camera and let us know that some bullshit has been going down and they’re going to get to the bottom of it. Chris Harrison teases, “What happened after we stopped filming?"  The episode wraps up with an ominous warning from Chris Harrison that we all should get some sleep.

My final thoughts: 

• how come Demi and the other girl knew all about the contestant in the beginning who had a girlfriend but didn't know about Jed???? 
• does Hannah ultimately choose Jed but then finds out about the alleged girlfriend or his real intentions (to promote his musical career)? 
• if she does choose Jed, does she eventually realize she screwed  up and tries to go back with Pete or Tyler? 
• if that's the case, I personally do not believe she deserves either Pete or Tyler.  I hope they both tell her off.  Pete nor Tyler deserve to be someone's sloppy seconds. 
• does Pete the Pilot become the next Bachelor?
• or maybe it's Mike the Man with the great smile? 
• where does all of this leave Tyler? 
• how is John Paul Jones' hair holding up in the heat and humidity while filming Bachelor in Paradise??

I just can't anymore

I realize I don't have a lot of viewing experience to help guide me through Bachelor Nation (I've only watched Colton's season of The Bachelor prior to Hannah Banana's season).  I'm still a newbie.  But Holy Mother of God.  I just can't with this girl anymore.  She's driving me insane. 

Last night's episode was the "hometown visits."  Our girl visited each of the final four's family and went on dates.  I'm still not over JPJ going home so my apologies if I sound bitter. 

Pete the Pilot

Pete the Pilot is adorable.  Absolutely adorable.  But I don't see much chemistry between these two.  He's sweet and nice and definitely the guy you want to bring home to your family.  And he's got a fun family, too.  Of all the hometown visits last night, Pete's family was my favorite. 

Pete (Peter?) starts off the visit with a drive in his gorgeous car.  I'm not a car person by any means but I can totally appreciate beautiful craftmanship.  While looking for some gum or Altoids in his car's center console, Hannah Bananas finds a condom.  It's the perfect analogy of their relationship: Sweet and funny with a touch of sexy (but not a whole lot).

Pete the Pilot then takes her flying and he works in a lot of flying puns (i.e., comments about soaring in love, etc.).  They kiss in mid-air which freaked me out.  It was the equivalent of texting and driving and I wanted to yell at him to keep both hands on the wheel! 

The couple then heads to his parents' house where they meet dad Peter, Barbara the mom and Pete the Pilot's younger brother whose name I did not catch.  The family is quirky and full of tradition, shouting a German prayer before they eat Cuban food. But they're also emotional.  Peter chokes up talking about his grandparents.  Which got me.  I loved loved loved my grandparents (especially my grandmother) and miss them every day. 
Hannah reassures Barbara, who knows Peter risks heartbreak, about her intentions: "I can see that it could be Peter and I at the end of this. I wouldn’t allow him to invest his heart into me if I didn't think that the end could be him and I."  I'm not even going to try to correct the grammar in Hannah speak.  It's not worth it. 

It's time for Tyler

Hannah then joins Tyler in his hometown of Jupiter, Florida.  The two go out on a boat where they seem to always have a great time together.  Tyler is clearly at home on the water (remember their lobster boat date?).  This time they are on a boat with minimal clothing versus heavy fisherman sweaters.  Hannah acknowledges there's a physical chemistry in their relationship, but wonders if he's ready for marriage. 

We're reminded of health issues Tyler's dad Jeff has faced (he nearly died two months before taping began) and learn he had a paralyzed vocal cord. Tyler and Jeff embrace in a tearjerker moment.
Jeff says he hasn't seen Tyler so happy in a long time, and he reassures Hannah that marriage is definitely something on Tyler's mind.

"You can't plan to fall in love," he tells her. "It just hits you right between the eyes. I'm ecstatic for him, if that's the way it all turns out." 

Will the real Luke please stand up?

Hannah meets Luke in Gainesville, Georgia and it was kind of jarring to be on his home turf.  The villagers weren't actively mad at him every waking second and we got to see a different side of Luke. 

Luke takes Hannah to "Sunday school," a prayer group he goes to before church every week. He recaps his drinking, partying and sex-chasing past and a heavenly epiphany he once had in the shower. I think the Southern, church-going, God-fearing part of Hannah feels affirmed by the goodness she's seen in him. 

Luke's family is taken aback when Hannah and Luke explain his drama on the series. We get a sense of the origins of Luke's narcissism when he chats with his dad.  "If she’s worth it to you, that means she’s worth you," Mike tells him. Luke can't see this not working out for him. And there he is!  The cocky Luke we've come to know and love (hate?).

Family time has done Luke some good -- he apologizes to Hannah and says he knows she may have concerns about getting where they need to be. He insists he's going to continue showing her who he is and that, without a doubt, he loves her and is looking at his future wife.  In an aside, she says she's falling in love with him (though, she confides, she hasn't fallen). A leopard doesn't change his spots.  Run Hannah!  Run!  

Jed is just that into you — but his family isn't

Our last hometown is in Tennessee with Jed.  Oh boy.  I positively cringed through this hometown visit.  I've never been a Jed fan (especially after last week when he told the older couple that he was "English."  Seriously dude?).  And this episode didn't do him any favors in my opinion.  Although I loved his family and what straight shooters they were.  My kind of people. 

During their time in Tennessee, Hannah and Jed visit a recording studio and write a song together. It's
sugary sweet and horribly cliched.  Made my teeth hurt.  "I love you," he tells her in the studio. "I can feel it."  I really think Big Head Jed was referring to himself though. 

When it's time to meet his family (and cute dog), however, they are just not feeling it.  His father Jerry questions whether Hannah and Jed have discussed his musical ambitions.  His mother Gina doesn't seem to trust Hannah and flat out asks Hannah if she's told all the other contestants that she's falling in love with them.  His sister says she's not sure that the match is a good thing. Ouch.  The sister actually reminded me of the old American Idol days when Randy Jackson used to say, "I'm just not feeling it dog."  I was hoping Mama Gina would break out a "bless her heart" or two.  You know she wanted to. 

Hannah says in an aside that she didn't get the validation she expected. The date is all too reminiscent of when Colton didn't get the approval he wanted from Cassie's father during last spring's "Bachelor" hometown episode.

So!  Who does Hannah send home? 

Turns out, no one.  Seriously.  She doesn't send anyone home.  And it's so stupid and drawn out and over dramatic.

When the group returns to Los Angeles for the rose ceremony Hannah gives roses to Peter and Tyler. Yay!!!  But before she can give the final rose . . . she seems to struggle with some inner turmoil and leaves the room.  With the damn final rose! 

Host Chris Harrison asks if she's OK, she replies she's not and can't make a decision. She just knows in her heart of hearts she'll be closing a door on a relationship that's not done. The rational choice would be to dump Jed.  The more obvious choice would be to send back home Luke to Georgia. 

Tyler tells Jed, "It'll be complete baloney if you don't get a rose," a little inside joke to last week's nonsense when Luke dropped bologna on Garrett's lap.  Hannah eventually returns.  Without a rose. She says he can't give out a final rose. What does that mean?!  Cue the dramatic music! 

Our "Bachelorette" pulls an Oprah: Everyone gets a humpback whale.  I mean rose!  I meant rose! 
Jed is a little put out by this sudden change of plans and says it doesn't even feel like he got a rose and doesn't want to be lumped in the same category as Luke.   I understand where he's coming from.  But given his family's ambivalence (and let's not even talk about the rumors circulating of his very recent girlfriend) perhaps he should just cool and it be happy to still be around.

 And yeah.  I'm still salty about JPJ. 

What I'm Watching Wednesday

Even though my beloved Dallas Stars haven't been on the ice in weeks, I guess I'll watch some of game 7 tonight.  Maybe I'll take a long bubble bath instead.  IDK.  I'd like to see St. Louis win.  Because.  Ew.  Boston.  And O'Reilly's got a good beard. 
https://www.nhl.com/news/blues-star-ryan-oreilly-buys-boston-fan-new-guitar/c-307813072

Time to talk about The Bachelorette!  Last week’s episode ended with a confrontation between the Lukes (Luke P and the other Luke whose last initial I've already forgotten).  Last night's episode opened with the group at a cocktail party still in Rhode Island.  Luke P is surrounded by his haters and he either doesn't realize how much the guys dislike him or he really doesn't give a rat's ass.  He has clearly adopted the classic "I'm not here to make friends" attitude.  Other Luke was outfoxed by his dim-witted namesis.  He quickly realized there could only be one Luke and decided to go home and work on his tequila company.  He pulled Hannah aside before she could start handing out boutonniere's, used the manners his mama taught him, said thank you for having me and just walked away.  Awkward.  And then that damn Chris Harrison sneaked into the room and snagged one of the roses off the table.  Wait.  What????  Why not just go with the flow and give that rose to another guy? 

Ultimately, Hannah eliminated a couple of guys I had never seen before (seriously, I think they were just seat fillers like they have at awards shows) and JPJ.  John Paul Jones, the show’s most irreverent, confusing contestant, meme-generator and best floppy hair award winner.  This is the man who taught himself how to ride a unicycle in a half-hour, the man who happily ate chicken nuggets as drama unfolded around him and screamed like a girl when he was hooked up to the labor simulator.  Why wasn't there a #SaveJPJ movement last night?  The producers had already booked flights and hotel rooms in Scotland and could’ve brought him along.  There was no #Justice4JPJ and KJ was devastated.  She said she's going to slide into JPJ's DM's and say something witty like, "meet your future wife."  Ha!  Ha!  Ha! 

But here’s the part that makes me the most mad:  Other Luke, you could have had a free trip to Scotland! Obviously, Other Luke thought he was going to get eliminated and wanted to save himself the humiliation. But for some reason known only to Other Luke himself, he couldn't just let it ride and ended up losing out on an all expenses paid trip to Scotland!  A week of free food and free drinks totally wasted.  A free trip to Scotland! They have castles and scotch and great accents and scotch and beautiful scenery and scotch!

Hannah’s first date of the week was with Mike. Nothing particularly special happened—they just walked around Scotland, exploring little stores and tasting scotch and visiting a pub. Have I mentioned Mike has an amazing smile? 

One of their first stops was at a bookstore where Hannah picked up two distinct items that she was not quite sure how to interact with. It was like Alien Hannah was dropped onto Earth in the middle of Inverness Scotland and she wandered aimlessly into a book store. 

First, she picked up a book and smelled it. This kind of makes sense—old books can have deep, rich, musty smells. Maybe she’s into that. I mean, I totally am.  But usually you inspect books by looking at them.  You know, judging their covers.  And she made a stupid comment about the smell of fresh books.  Girl, those were not fresh books. 

Next, she picked up an egg and held it to her ear. Like a seashell.  Did anyone else think it was weird that a bookstore had a bunch of eggs in a basket?  Anyone?  I don't know what the hell she was thinking.  Maybe she was nervous on her date with Mike?  I go back and forth with this girl.  Some times I think she's adorable and spunky and other times I think she's a flaming idiot.  Last week she couldn't complete a coherent thought regarding the Boston Tea Party, but this week she's an expert on Mary Queen of Scots and the tumultuous relationship between England and Scotland?  I don't think so. 

This week’s group date tried to go for a Scottish vibe by staging a cheesy edition of the Highland Games which showed off their athletic prowess (think "Hot Men in Kilts" kind of calendar shoot). The contestants took part in axe throwing, a yoke race where the men carried two full buckets of milk and wrestling.  The inaccuracies of these "Games" killed me.  The Highland Games are a real thing and axe throwing nor milk racing are legitimate events. The big event at the Highland Games is the caber toss, where you throw a big log. There are also a lot of other events that involve tossing heavy stuff and a tug-of-war (which could’ve made sense as a Bachelorette activity). But axe tossing? That’s the new preferred unsafe activity of drunk hipsters across the nation. They could’ve done that in America (like I did a couple of weeks ago @ Corky's!).  Meanwhile, last week’s episode in Rhode Island featured rugby (which BTW, is not the official sport of Rhode Island).  The guys should’ve gone axe-throwing in Rhode Island and played rugby in Scotland. Or at the very least, they could’ve tried throwing a big-ass log while wearing their kilts.  And what was with the guy who spilled milk all over himself? 

Hannah gives the only Luke left a one-on-one date. Hannah wants him to be "the one" so badly (it's not her heart talking, it's her libido) but he's such an ass.  Hannah has said that her relationship with Luke is stronger than her relationship with anybody else. Unfortunately, Luke has handled every interaction with every other person so poorly that just five episodes in, he’s in serious jeopardy of getting kicked off the show.  When he gets the boot, it's going to be spectacular.  It's going to be a dumpster fire and I'm here for it.  Their date went so badly, Hannah decided she couldn’t bring herself to give him a rose. 

On the date, she explained that while his "all-for-Hannah strategy" might seem like the politically correct thing to do or say, she’s actually getting rather disturbed by the fact that nobody likes him. She’s looking for someone who’s friendly, someone whom “people are drawn to,” someone where “what’s inside is appealing.” In response, Luke dug deep and busted out his worst line yet: “Everyone I’ve ever met, every place, every school I’ve ever been, everyone loves me.” Hannah groaned. Luke kept going. “I hate saying it, but it’s the truth. I hate talking about myself!”

The sad thing is, Luke is probably right.  I'll bet most people (most women with a pulse and probably a lot of men) initially love him. He’s extremely handsome and athletic. Not surprisingly, people want to be friends with hot athletic people. Luke seems to have adopted a strategy of saying whatever it is he thinks the person he’s talking to wants to hear.  He's smooth.  He knows he's good looking so sure, it’s very possible that the focus groups he’s conducted on himself have come back with positive results. When Hannah says, “I want a guy who’s friends with people and hasn’t alienated everybody,” he thinks the right thing to tell her is “I’m actually extremely cool and popular everywhere I go.” It was clear Hannah was telling him that the toxic atmosphere in the house raised questions about his character. But in his mind, he heard “She wants a popular guy, sweet! I should tell her how cool I am!”

About 15 times during their interaction, Hannah tried to tell Luke that he was blowing it by talking to her in Bachelorette-speak—broad, diplomatic, meaningless tropes about how he’s “fighting for her” and how he “won’t give up on her” and stuff like that. She asked him to plainly speak to her like a person, about the things he likes, the things he dislikes, and how he’s feeling. It’s a pretty great moment of television: Hannah (who no speaks the words too good) tells Luke that she wants to have an actual connection and not an empty relationship filled with lines that sound good on reality TV.  Luke is simply incapable of doing it. He just doesn't get it.  He's a people pleaser.  It’s why he told Hannah he loved her from the get go.  It’s why every guy in the house thinks he’s a liar.  He tells the guys what they want to hear but then tells Hannah what she wants to hear.  Poor Luke isn’t even smart enough to even realize what “the right thing to say” is. What a tragedy. Hannah was taken by Luke’s extremely attractive outside, but eventually realized there was nothing inside. He's just an empty, good looking shell.  No substance.