Wednesday, July 31, 2019

A Little Self Care

Last week I had the opportunity to take a couple of days off from work and accompany Coach on a trip to Breckenridge.  I hadn't been to Breck in years and I had never been in the summertime.  What a totally different experience! 

The town of Breckenridge is positively charming.  The weather was spectacular and wild flowers were everywhere you looked!  I could not stop taking photos of the lupine, the amazing poppies and fox glove.  We definitely don't get flowers like that in North Texas!!!







To me, the best part of my trip was the relaxation, the shopping and the food!  Not a chain store or restaurant in sight (I think there may be a Starbucks on Main Street, IDK.  I don't drink coffee so I'm not on the look out for those kinds of things!). 

A couple of my favorite shops were:  http://magicalscraps.com/, Marigolds Farmhouse Funk & Junk, Ruby Jane's (also check out their gorgeous loft available for rent!) and Valley Girl. 

At Magical Scraps I found the most wonderful bath and body, home and lifestyle brand, Margot Elena.  I am now officially obsessed with the Lollia line.  The gorgeous packaging pulled me in but the fragrances are spectacular. I bought the Always in Rose eau de parfum and the Dream perfumed luminary (fancy for "candle").  I also need to check out their Library of Flowers line.  www.margotelena.com







One of the days I took the gondola up to Peak 8 and had a incredible day at the Infinity Spa at the Grand Colorado.  https://grandcolorado.com/  I had an 12 noon massage but arrived in plenty of time to use the steam room and the grotto.


After my massage, I totally took advantage of the relaxation room and got super comfy in my luxurious robe and sumptuious blanket.  When I say I took advantage I mean I slept in my lounger for over an hour. 

Because this is Colorado, the spa uses products "blessed by Mother Nature herself" and I bought some very rich shea butter hand creams from Farmhouse Fresh Goods in the Rainbow Road and Sweet Tea scents.  https://www.farmhousefreshgoods.com/index.html


Tuesday, July 30, 2019

I think everyone in Bachelor Nation breathed a little easier last night knowing they did not have to see or hear Luke P.  Which is good for Bachelorette fans.  Unfortunately, for Hannah, her decisions aren’t getting any easier.  Also, unfortunately for Hannah, her gown at the rose ceremony was horrible.  Like, bad prom dress from 2007 horrible.  And her hair was a hot mess.  And the jewelry was off. 

Last night was part one of the season finale.  I was bored once she had her rose ceremony and started playing Plants vs. Zombies on my phone.  The episode started off with Pete the Pilot, Tyler C and Big Head Jed still standing at that rose ceremony in Crete.  Luke P has been escorted off but Hannah still only has two roses to hand out and she’s still not sure she’s making the right choice. She walks out to face her “three amazing men” and rambles about how “blessed” she is to know them all. 

But it’s decision time: She hands her first rose to Jed (W.  T.  F????), who happily accepts. Keep in mind, Big Head Jed is the only contestant she’s told she’s falling in love with so far. She dabs away a tear before handing her second and final rose to… Tyler C! That means Pete the Pilot is going home.  Again -- W.  T.  F????  This would make one believe that their night in the windmill wasn't as great as it sounded, huh?  More on that later. 

Hannah fights back sobs as she walks Peter out, telling him he’s “the dream guy."  I'm so confused already and we're less than 10 minutes into the show.  If he's your dream guy, why is he going home?  He puts on a brave face and tells her she’ll always have “a piece of my heart.” But even he breaks down in tears before getting in the car, giving her a final hug and kiss.  On the car ride home (or maybe to the airport?  Did Pete the Pilot have to fly himself back to the States?) he admits “it hurts like a bitch” but he doesn’t blame Hannah. He still loves her… and she’s still sobbing amid the Grecian ruins.  There’s probably some Freudian analysis of the fact that she sent home the only dude she bragged about having sex with.

We then get a mini “After the Final Rose,” with Peter reliving his heartbreak in front of a live studio audience. He recounts how he first fell in love with Hannah while they were watching fireworks in Latvia and admits he’s still hung up on her. Hannah joins him to tell him “there wasn’t anything wrong” with their relationship but she “was falling for two other guys, too” and “had to follow my heart.” Peter wants to know what moment changed things for her. Hannah says there wasn’t really one moment … but she can find something if you just let her. Hannah tells him that her love language is “Words of Affirmation” and he should have read that weird book before he went on the season. She does wish he would’ve told her how he felt a little sooner, though. 
Finally, Hannah says that she actually lied to Luke about her time in the windmill with Peter and she wants to set the record straight. Hannah spends a lot of time this episode being honest about something that literally no one requires her to be honest about. She tells us that she and Peter had sex four times in the windmill. No Freudian analysis needed. I think Hannah sent Peter home because they had no time to talk about anything important or emotional.

When Hannah reveals she was “scared of letting go of the perfect guy,” an audience member shouts out, “You did!” (I think that might have been Peter's cute mom throwing some shade).  Chris Harrison can’t resist throwing in a windmill joke and Hannah confesses that she wasn’t totally truthful when she said they did it twice in that windmill.  “It was actually four times.”  And Peter’s parents applaud! That’s my boy!  Chris Harrison chides Hannah for talking about sex in front of Barb, Peter’s mom. But then he stands up and salute’s Peter’s dad and says that he must be puffing out his chest because his son can do it four times a night.  Look.  I'm no prude and talk openly about sex with both of my adult children.  However, this sums up America’s entire attitude toward sex. It’s that double-edged sword -- if a woman has multiple partners or enjoys sex, she's a slut.  If a man has multiple partners or can get it up four times in one night in a windmill, he's a stud.  

Back in Crete Hannah is still deciding between Tyler C and Big Head Jed and prepares to introduce the two remaining contesticles to meet her family.   Hannah sets up her date with Tyler by telling her family that she told Tyler she didn’t want to go to pound town in the fantasy suite and he was cool with it! She also says that she doesn’t know if she’s in love with Tyler or falling in lust with him.

Sweet, thoughtful manly-man dancing general contractor Tyler shows up with flowers and the way Hannah gazes into his eyes, it looks like Jed doesn’t stand a chance. Hannah’s mom is charmed by him, too, (duh!) and even her dad is won over by the restraint he showed in the fantasy suite. Hannah’s dad was ready to risk it all for Tyler. I think Mr. Brown may have a little man-crush on Tyler and who can blame him?  Hannah admits to her mom she could see herself getting engaged to Tyler.  And, in a private moment, Hannah Bannanas tells Tyler she’s “been falling in love with” him. So he just pulled dead even with Jed.  "I never thought I'd be this excited about Tyler," Hannah says. W.  T.  F???? 

Tyler absolutely STUNS her family and it’s not even fair. Tyler tells her parents that he wants to be her biggest cheerleader and for Hannah to be his wife and the mother of his children. After his date, Hannah tells him that she didn’t let herself feel her feelings for him and was convinced she didn’t love him but was only in lust with him.
 
Up next is Jed’s time to meet the family. Hannah starts the day very nervous and she hopes that her family sees Jed the way she does. Red flag!  You’re always hoping that people are going to like the guys you like. That’s not a good sign. They should be likable on their own.
 
Jed warms up the family by telling them that he’s a musician and that’s the path he’s chosen but that Hannah is pretty great, too. He says that he’s only got the purest extensions for Hannah. Oh, sorry, purest INTENTIONS. The lines of human romance he wrote on his hand got smudged while he was practicing one of his myriad other skills. Listen, I’m not saying that all of Jed’s lines are rehearsed. What I’m saying is that they’re POORLY rehearsed.

Jed has a chance to sneak ahead with his own meet-the-parents moment, but when he announces he’s a musician, Hannah’s mom looks… skeptical? Her dad asks how Jed plans to “provide” for his daughter, and Jed tries to reassure him by telling him he’s signed a deal to write, wait for it, a dog food jingle! Jed says, and I quote, “I want to have many facets of income and backup plans.” What kind of unemployed-fuckboy bullshit is this? Jed’s biggest accomplishment is writing a dog-food jingle. Name literally any dog-food jingle. Dog food doesn’t have jingles.

“They don’t think I’m adequate or something,” Jed whines in a confessional, while Hannah’s mom warns her about his Nashville “lifestyle.” Hannah bristles a bit at their less-than-glowing feedback “Now I’m freaking out.”
Hannah’s mom can’t help but compare Jed and Tyler, and she says that Jed has qualities.  Hannah’s dad says Jed didn’t exactly give him “direct answers” to his questions, and starts spewing some “man of the house” stuff.  Unfortunately, Hannah’s dad brings all this up because he thinks the man should be doing the providing and he shouldn’t rely on the woman.  OK.  This is where I got really annoyed.  Hannah B's season was all about her rebelling against the patriachary.  She's fierce!  She's had sex in a windmill!  And Jesus still loves her!  Go Hannah!  You are a shining example of a modern woman and a wonderful role model to young girls every where!  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  And yet here's your dad acting like a caveman.  And at this point, in my humble opinion, your dad is no better than Luke P with his antiquated thinking.  Even more unfortunately, Hannah’s rebuttal is that she’s got all the talents, too. Do we even know what Hannah does for a living?  I read somewhere that's she's a "very" successful interior designer.  Just say you want to be an Instagram influencer and let’s be done with it.

 When Jed comforts her, she tells him how great things went with Tyler C. and her family, confessing: “I’m now confused.” Jed tries to remind her that “we know what we have,” but Hannah is still nervous: “Two people are in my heart at the same time, and I don’t want to make the wrong decision.”

And Hannah’s family does that very annoying thing where they repeatedly say that marriage is “one and done” for them. Yeah. It is for everybody. No one is going into a marriage thinking they’re going to get divorced. Even the shittiest, worst couple you know who hate each other thinks marriage is forever. 

She has one more date with each guy.  She tortures poor Tyler with another horseback riding date and they enjoy a hilltop picnic.  It all seems sweet and effortless. Like how a date should be.  She smiles so hard her earrings pop off.  That night, they talk about making a life together and having a family.  When it’s Jed’s turn, they head out on a boat together through some choppy waters (metaphor alert!).  Our girl gets seasick (which is totally sexy and romantic) and they both admit how uneasy they are about where things stand. And now the reality that she has to let one of these guys go is hitting her straight in the face.  Along with all the nausea.  Hannah and Jed's date left me with a couple of questions:  why didn't he offer to hold her hair back while she was blowing chunks off the boat and why was he wearing a leather belt with no shirt? 

At dinner, Hannah and Jed still seem anxious and awkward together.  They’re definitely setting this up to be an easy Tyler win, right?  Hannah goes outside because she’s freaking out and Jed tries to comfort her. I noticed that every time Jed goes to comfort Hannah, he says something like “You know how I feel” or “You know I believe in us.” He doesn’t actually offer how he feels or how much he believes in their relationship. He’s asking her to remember that he does. It’s probably a nervous tic, but he does it so much. He doesn’t generate or offer a single feeling, at least not a new one. She knows what they have. What do they have? Unclear.

Compare that to how Tyler talks to and about her. He says he feels like a giddy little kid and that he wants her to be safe, protected, and loved. He also says he wants to argue with her in Home Depot about paint colors. That is true fucking love.
Meanwhile, she vomits while on a boat with Jed and he complains that her dad didn’t let him explain how he has a system to turn $1,000 into $10,000 and it’s not a pyramid scheme. Hannah and Jed spend the entire day portion of the date talking about the treacherous seas and rough waters ahead … on the catamaran. Yeah, on the boat.

Eventually, Hannah comes out live on stage to say the last two months have been “really tough and emotional” and refers to “all the rumors out there,” saying she needs “a lot of answers” (??) from someone tomorrow night. Hannah and Chris stare directly into the camera and let us know that some bullshit has been going down and they’re going to get to the bottom of it. Chris Harrison teases, “What happened after we stopped filming?"  The episode wraps up with an ominous warning from Chris Harrison that we all should get some sleep.

My final thoughts: 
  • how come Demi and the other girl knew all about the contestant in the beginning who had a girlfriend but didn't know about Jed???? 
  • does Hannah ultimately choose Jed but then finds out about the alleged girlfriend or his real intentions (to promote his musical career)? 
  • if she does choose Jed, does she eventually realize she screwed  up and tries to go back with Pete or Tyler? 
  • if that's the case, I personally do not believe she deserves either Pete or Tyler.  I hope they both tell her off.  Pete nor Tyler deserve to be someone's sloppy seconds. 
  • does Pete the Pilot become the next Bachelor?
  • or maybe it's Mike the Man with the great smile? 
  • where does all of this leave Tyler? 
  • how is John Paul Jones' hair holding up in the heat and humidity while filming Bachelor in Paradise??

Friday, July 19, 2019

I think I'm Allergic to Cats and Bad Remakes

So this week we had a couple of movie trailers drop.  One I'm excited about.  One, eh.  Not so much! 


Tom Cruise has barely aged since the original Top Gun aired in 1986.  Being a Scientologist he probably doesn't drink or smoke (I think that may be a thing with them; JLo is? was? a Scientologist at one point and doesn't drink or smoke).  Obviously he takes care of himself and works out regularly for his physically demanding roles.  If he's had some work done, it's been subtle. 

https://youtu.be/cVRHG6z7sN8


 
 
I think Jennifer Hudson is one helluva singer.  Not that crazy about her acting skills (i.e., Sex and The City 2 she was horrible) and I think she looks terrible as a cat.  There.  I said it. She doesn't look good as a feline.  Taylor Swift, on the other hand, is exactly what I think she'd look like as a cat.  Unfortunately, James Corden looks like the Cat in the Hat's evil twin. 

https://youtu.be/FtSd844cI7U





The new Lion King officially opens today.  What is with all of these live-action remakes?  We recently had the Jungle Book, Aladdin (haven't seen it yet), Dumbo (will NEVER see it.  I think Dumbo was one of the scariest movies ever when I was a kid.  I hated seeing Dumbo cry for his mama and being scared at the circus with the crazy fireman clowns and the building on fire).  Soon we'll have an  updated The Little Mermaid.  And now the Lion King is back, too. Round and round we go. Cue Savannah sunrise. Cue "Naaaants ingonyama bagithi baba!"

This new Lion King has some serious star power:  Jon Favreau, James Earl Jones reprises his role as Mufasa.  Donald Glover as the grown-up lion prince Simba, Beyonce as the older lioness Nala and Chiwetel Ejiofor as the villainous Scar.  Zazu is voiced by John Oliver.   Billy Eichner and Seth Rogen take over for Nathan Lane's meerkat and Ernie Sabella's warthog.  Despite the celebrity voices, I'm not sure if I'll be seeing this update. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Winners & Losers

Much like Colton's fence jumping teasers all last season, last night we finally had the big windmill reveal!  As we learned in a preview two weeks ago, Hannah was going to have sex in a windmill on tonight’s episode. In fact, we learned—thanks to Hannah—that Hannah was going to have sex twice in a windmill. And who woulda thunk it was with Pete the Pilot???  

But for everybody outside the windmill, the climax of Monday night’s episode came an hour and a half later, when Hannah finally bid farewell to the dreaded Luke P. After two endless months of Hannah entertaining Luke’s exhausting string of aggressive feuds and possessive demands, she experienced a moment of clarity and realized three guys on the show made her extremely happy—and that a fourth stressed her out at every possible juncture.
Let’s talk Fantasy Suite dates first so I don't get a head of myself.  “It’s been a long time since I’ve been physical at all with a man,” says Hannah. “But Fantasy Suite week is not about sex.” It’s about getting “real, raw” time away from the cameras, she explains.  Sure.  But it’s also about sex.  And Hannah Bannanas is A-OK with that. Her first date is with Peter and the Bachelorette says “if all goes well” the two of them will [breaks into song] “get down pa-ta-bow-oooooh in the Fantasy Suite.”  And what better foreplay than a romantic sailing trip through the crystal-blue waters of the Mediterranean Sea? 


There’s a lot of making out on this date (and a lot of ass grabbing) but Peter’s still a little skittish about telling Hannah that he capital-L Loves her. “Do you know how much I like you?” he murmurs, as they recline on the boat deck. “You have no idea.” That’s right, she doesn’t — because you haven’t told her, dummy! Pilot Pete knows he has to drop the L-bomb at dinner as “terrifying” as it may be. He works his way up to it, telling Hannah that he was thrilled about how well their hometown date went. “I remember leaving that date feeling so good about where we’re at and where we can go,” he says. “I, um…”

“So when we were flying…” Oh, come ON, Peter. She knows you love flying. EVERYONE knows you love flying. Just say “I love you.” You can do it: I. Love. You. It won’t kill you. Yes, we know not all your previous relationships were perfect. Yes, we know that you have never met anyone like Hannah before. Yes, we know you can be your “true self” with her. Just spit it out! Finally, Peter manages to put all of these many thoughts together: “It made me realize how in love with you I am.” Thank you, reality TV Jesus! Now get these randy kids to the Fantasy Suite, stat! Actually, should I say the Fantasy Windmill? 

This windmill is straight out of the old timey Zelda game I played on Nintendo 64.  And it comes equipped with its own supply of condoms which Hannah finds inside a wooden chest.  Yes, this windmill happens to have sleeping accommodations, but it’s not a hotel room. The two spent the night in a room that was barely large enough to fit a single bed. There was nothing else there—just walls, a bed, and a chest with a bunch of items in it.  I expected 50 rupees and a health pack to pop out when they opened the chest; instead it had condoms in it. “That was not me this time!” insists Peter, blushing and trying to block the camera with his hand which is really cute. 

 "Last night was the best night of my life,” says Peter. “We came together, like, so much last night and just bonded.” TMI Pete.  TMI.  It’s a good thing the sex was good, because there really wasn’t anything else to do in that windmill.  When Hannah says she had sex in a windmill, she really means she had sex in a windmill.

Pilot Pete is feeling “mic drop” confident, but Hannah still has three more dudes to test drive. Next we’re off to Elounda, Crete, where Tyler and his tight pants are waiting to greet Hannah with open arms (to be fair, as snug as Tyler’s jeans are, they’re practically baggy compared to his hometown slacks).  Today’s date consists of a couples massage, which quickly turns into a dry-humping session as Tyler slips off his table and starts manhandling Hannah as she lies face-down.
The two massage therapists quickly scurry out of the room, which is good because Hannah and Tyler were about to make their work environment very hostile (and horny). “I’m 1,000 percent sure that physical intimacy with Tyler is not an issue,” Hannah informs us. “I want to be physical with him.” Still, the Bachelorette feels “nervous and scared” that her connection with Tyler is more physical than emotional.


Hannah’s mission at dinner is to determine whether Tyler can truly be her “forever” person. And when they sit down, she gets right to the point. “There is a concern for me about our physical relationship,” she tells him. “It is a huge part of our relationship… But, like, it has to be more.” To that end, continues Hannah, “I don’t want to go into the Fantasy Suite and have sex because I don’t feel like that’s what our relationship needs.” Bless his heart, Tyler tries his very hardest not to look as disappointed as he is by this news.


“I just want to be with you,” he says. “You have to love and respect and honor each other’s boundaries, you know? I would never press you or pressure you at all.” Congrats, Tyler — everything you just said is perfect! And it’s clear you actually mean it! As for his declaration of love? It’s a little choppy — “I can stand here today, like, and tell you, like, I do love you, like” — but we’ll allow it.
Hannah, too, is pleased with everything Tyler’s had to say. “I think he handled what I said really well tonight,” she reports. “It didn’t faze him… I feel really good about going into a Fantasy Suite with him and just being respected.”  A man who respects Hannah’s ability to decide what she does and does not want to do in the Fantasy Suite — imagine that!
After a night of celebrating each other’s boundaries, Hannah and Tyler emerge from the Fantasy Yacht with coffee and smiles. “I had a really great night with Tyler,” says Hannah. “We would make out and he would stop and just hold me… He was the most respectful man that’s ever been with me. Ever.”


Honestly, I’m not sure Hannah needed to do this. It’s odd to me that she felt their relationship wasn’t strong in a nonphysical way, because Tyler also seems to be connecting with her as a person. Maybe that’s just Tyler’s nature—he seems genuinely kind and caring in all regards. But Tyler takes it in stride. He lets her know he trusts her judgment on all such matters—a stark contrast to Luke and Jed, who can’t stop questioning her judgment. And the next morning, Hannah breaks down in tears, claiming that Tyler is “the most respectful man she’s ever been with.” (They seemed like “holy crap this guy is amazing” tears, not “I’m so bummed I gotta break up with this guy” tears to me.)
At this point, Hannah has to pick Tyler. I’m not sure the viewing public will forgive her for having the chance to have sex with Tyler and passing it up so she could develop their relationship further, only to decide she wasn’t interested in developing their relationship further. Honestly, I’m not sure Hannah could forgive herself, considering the way she (and the rest of the viewing public) talks about him. Maybe she should’ve done it with Tyler, because now I think she has to pick him to avoid spending the rest of her life regretting that missed sexual opportunity. 

Wow, it’s gonna be hard to follow that, Jed. Especially when you’re already so salty about Luke getting a rose last week. “It was just hurtful to stand there next to Luke,” he says. “But I don’t want to let someone else affect our relationship.”  Can we just take a minute to remind everyone how much I dislike Big Head Jed?

The date Hannah has planned involves crashing a random Greek family’s gathering. There’s traditional Greek dancing, delicious-looking food, and something called “life water,” which the patriarch of the family calls “typical Greek Viagra.” When the woman across the table tries to make polite small talk about whether she and Jed might marry, Hannah gives a little too much information. “I’m not ready to make a decision just yet,” she says. “This week is really important to me — I get more time with the four men that I’m dating.” 

Naturally, the nice Greek lady has another question . . . "So how are you going to decide?"  Of course, Jed is sitting right there. So yeah, Hannah — how are you going to decide? The Bachelorette mumbles something about falling in love in “different ways” and says she needs “clarity” before making her final pick. Rather than just stewing in silence, Jed pipes up to say how hard it is to watch Hannah fall in love with other people. The Greek lady nods politely, no doubt wishing she could just enjoy her spanakopita and salad in peace.
This whole exchange rankles Jed so much he asks Hannah to step away from the party so they can talk in private.  Though he probably wants to scream “WHY THE F— IS LUKE STILL HERE?” Jed manages to keep it together. “I just don’t fully understand how you can be as amazing as you are and even consider someone like him,” he says.
“Like, how honest do you want me to be?” Hannah asks. “At the beginning, I had a really strong connection with him that I really couldn’t describe,” she says. “I met his family, I do think he’s here for me. And there is a connection, but I’m still trying to figure it out.” All she really has to go on, adds Hannah, is “a feeling.” Jed is clearly not satisfied with this answer, but he lets the matter drop… until dinner, at least.
In fact, that night it’s the Bachelorette who brings Luke up first. “I actually do appreciate the conversation that you pulled me aside for,” she says. “I know how you feel about me, and I see it as coming from a good place.”  With that said, Hannah is hoping that the “talking about Luke” portion of the date will be over. “We good?” she asks Jed with a smile.
Nope. Jed has one last thing he’d like to get off his chest — and it’s a doozy. “It kind of says a lot about your decisions when you can look at me and tell me you’re falling in love with me, and then also keep around somebody who’s been toxic to this process for you and everyone else,” says Jed. “It makes me feel worried that you have a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for you in your life.”  Oh snap!!! 
Can we just all take a moment to appreciate the irony of this situation? Jed, who allegedly left a serious girlfriend back home when he went on The Bachelorette to promote his music career, is now saying he’s worried about Hannah’s judgment.

Of course, the whole conversation makes Hannah feel awful. “Thanks, man,” she says with a wry laugh. “I don’t want you to go any further. I think I’m good now.” But there is anger behind her laughter, too. Why can’t Jed just trust her to make her own decisions? Who is he to tell her which guys are and aren’t acceptable final-four options? “I’m really frustrated,” she says. “That makes me mad.” With that, she gets up from the table, leaving the poor camera operator to chase her through the tavern. Of course, Jed follows her, too.
“Arrrgh! I do not want to do this anymore,” fumes Hannah, turning her back to Jed. He refuses to give her some space though and instead asks for a hug. Because when a woman walks away from you and turns her back to you, it means “please get in my personal space,” right ladies??  Once they’re back at the table, the Bachelorette makes this reasonable request: “I just want somebody at the end of the day that can trust decisions I’m making.” Sensing he’s pushed Hannah enough for one night, Jed backtracks, saying he trusts her decisions and knows she’ll make the right decision for her.
“My soul’s invested in this,” Hannah says, right before Jed shuts the door to the Fantasy Suite (which is definitely a house vs. a suite) and announces, “Comin’ to mama!” And that's when I threw up in my mouth a little. 
The morning-after sequence is shot in extreme closeup, and Jed and Hannah cuddle and smooch in their luxurious hotel bed. “I’m more sure than I’ve ever been about you,” drawls Jed. “I’m more sure about you, Mr. Jed Wyatt,” replies Hannah, as the camera appears to hover inches from their heads.
“We didn’t sleep a wink,” Jed informs us. “It felt like a dream.”  Ew.  I just had a whole body dry heave. 

On to the main event! 

I think we can all agree that the daytime portion of Hannah's date with Luke does not matter. Suffice it to say that Hannah and Luke take a helicopter to the island of Santorini; they both talk a lot about their “connection;” the scenery is incredible. Hannah, for one, is ready to get down (pa-ta-bow-ooooh!) with Luke, who she says is the best kisser of the bunch. “I don’t know what his church is teaching him, but that boy can kiss!”
Once the sun sets, though, it doesn’t take long for things to go south. Luke launches into a speech about the importance of marriage and what a big commitment it is and what he wants for himself and his future wife (“I want it the way I want it,” he says).  At no point does this ass hat ask Hannah what she wants out of a relationship.  In a man.  In a marriage.  In the future.  It's all about what Luke and what Luke wants.   Luke praises Hannah for being a “spiritual leader” in her household and how he’s “so ready” to “make history” in his family.  What the heck does that mean exactly??  “I want to make sure that from now on, things are known how they’re supposed to be.”  Hannah, too, seems a little confused by Luke’s vaguely grandiose ideas.

Let’s listen in as Luke schools Hannah about morality and marital hygiene. Sex is “incredible” and “beautiful,” but “only when it’s in the guidelines of marriage.” As stated in the book of Hebrews, Luke continues, the marriage bed “should be kept pure.” Even though he and Hannah are not virgins, Luke is “confident” that they’re on the same page about “morals.” Now he just wants verbal confirmation from Hannah that she has not or will not defile her future marriage bed by getting down (pa-ta-bow-oooh!) with Jed, Tyler, or Peter. “I just want to hear it from your mouth,” he says. “I just want to make sure you’re not going to be sexually intimate with the other relationships here.”
Though she says, “Okay,” it’s pretty clear Hannah cannot freaking believe what she is hearing. And Luke, that glorious jackass, just keeps talking to fill the silence. “If you told me you’re having sex, or you had sex with one or more of these guys,” he continues, “I’d be wanting to go home, 100 percent.”
At this point, Hannah would be perfectly justified in throwing a glass of Ouzo in Luke’s face and walking away, but she struggles to keep her cool. “Some of the things you that you said, like, I don’t agree with at all,” she tells him. Then her voice gets stronger. “I’m, like, kinda mad, because the way that you just said that — it’s like, why do you have the right to do that? Because you’re not my husband.”
Now she’s on a roll. Luke tries to cut her off and she just stops him with a firm, “No.”  “I get when you care for somebody that you don’t want to think about somebody being intimate with another person,” she continues, “but guess what? Sex might be a sin out of marriage, pride is a sin too. And I feel like this is a pride thing.”
Preach, Hannah! Preach!  Throw that Bible knowledge right back in his smarmy, cartoon-character-looking face! Luke tries to regain his footing, suddenly agreeing that okay, maybe he didn’t have the right to ask her whether she slept with the other guys. “I just want to know what’s going on,” he says. Unfortunately for him, he also tries to interrupt Hannah again, and the Bachelorette does NOT love it.
“I’m a grown woman and can make my own decisions,” declares Hannah.  I honestly cannot believe what comes out of Luke’s mouth next. It is truly a next-level accomplishment in misogyny and abject cluelessness. He says, and I quote, “I can understand a slip-up. But, like, with all of them? If you were like, ‘You know what? I just want to have sex with everyone and see what it’s like,’ then yeah, I would be like, ‘Okay, I’m gonna talk to you, but I’m outta here.’”
That is like the Ripley’s Believe It or Not of horrifying stupidity. Forget about the fact that this dating franchise has been on for 17 goddamn years — and Luke just described what happens every season during Fantasy Suites on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. What’s truly appalling about this is Luke’s belief that in 2019, he is entitled to pass judgment on any adult woman — even a religious woman — who chooses to have sex.
“The words that you’re saying are just, like, really not okay,” Hannah informs him. We watch as it slowly dawns on her: Yes, everybody else was telling the truth about Luke. And she is pissed. This is the guy, after all, who sparked a “love at first sight” flutter in her heart when he got out of the limo. This is the guy she defended again and again, despite all the bulls–t. “Honestly, you have already
broken my heart through this, like truly — and I’ve broken my own heart because I’ve allowed everything,” says Hannah. “And to ignore all the red flags for how I feel… to have you say this about me?”

All season long, literally from the first date of the season, Luke repeatedly and incessantly told Hannah that he loved her, he was crazy about her, it was meant to be, he would fight for her through anything, this was destiny, etc. He was like a toy with a pull string that spewed out generic affirmations of love. But when it came down to it, he told Hannah that he would ditch her, no questions asked, if she didn’t follow his predetermined guidelines. Bruh, that ain’t love. And when she called his bluff, he retreated immediately. Soon he was explaining how he would still accept her in spite of everything; soon he was begging her for a chance to talk—while still characterizing her behavior as a mistake.

Luke has a tendency to paint himself into corners by saying whatever he thought people in the room wanted to hear, often contradicting himself and pissing people off. That's actually being too generous.  The truth is Luke likes to puff his chest out, but the only fight he actually cares about winning is Not Being Wrong. Example: He body slammed Other Luke, only to argue it was justifiable due to the rules of rugby (it wasn’t) and attempt to defuse the situation by promising to put in a good word for Other Luke (he bad-mouthed him instead). Example: He spent the whole run of the show trash-talking other contestants to Hannah, and when called out on it, he argued that he was just responding to Hannah’s specific questions about how things were going. Example: He told Hannah he’d leave her in a heartbeat if she defied the word of the Lord, only to try to prove he wasn’t actually threatening to leave her.  A few weeks ago, Luke’s fellow castmates began to respond to a season’s worth of confrontations by ragging on his height. But of course, one’s worth as a person has nothing to do with their height. Luke got made fun of for being 5-foot-8, but the truth is, he’s so much smaller than that.
Aw HELL no. Hannah goes on to tell Luke that she, in fact, is a “woman of faith,” and his premarital sex deal-breaker is hypocritical and meaningless. “I could have exed you off so many times from being my husband for things that I want out of a relationship,” she says. “There’s so many things that I don’t want out of a husband that you’ve shown.”

Exactly. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. “You have not shown respect for any of the guys here, and I’m finally seeing that,” Hannah says. “I have prayed so much for clarity, and I feel like I’ve finally gotten clarity on you. And I do not want you to be my husband.”  Did the lyrics and dance moves to N'SYNC's "Bye Bye Bye" go through anyone else's mind at this point?? 
Like the true pyschopath he is, Luke refuses to believe that this is the end for him (we also see a glimpse of this in the previews for the season finale).  Even after Hannah stands up from the table and literally says, “It’s over, come on,” he remains seated and keeps asking for a chance to speak. The dude even has the audacity to claim that Hannah owes it to him to hear him out. “I don’t owe you anything at this point!” she snaps. “Please, get up!”  I was beginning to wonder if the producers were going to call in for some back-up at this point but Hannah had the situation under control. Luke makes one last desperate plea as they stand beside the Reject SUV, insisting that he’s not “judging or condemning” her and that he’s certain they have a future together. So what if Hannah literally just said she doesn’t want him to be her husband? She’s a woman, so she couldn’t possibly know what she really wants! “There’s something in me that is refusing me to get into that vehicle right now,” Luke says. Hannah’s all, Challenge accepted. “I have had sex,” she replies. “And Jesus still loves me.”  Oh, and Hannah gave him the big finger after his offer to “pray over” Hannah.  “I answer to the Lord,” says Hannah. “I don’t answer to Luke.”

In my humble opion, Peter is the undisputed winner of this episode. He’s the second party in the “I fucked in a windmill” quote, which will forever define this season of The Bachelorette. And while most Bachelorette sex is just hinted at, Hannah elaborates at length about the quality, quantity, and passion of her sex with Peter. She compares Peter to Zeus and herself to Aphrodite.  Greek mythology major she is not.  Difficulty with mythology-related analogies aside, the point is clear: This was some Olympian boning. She described it as “loving” and “passionate." 

Peter went on a romantic sailboat ride and spent the night in a windmill—both definitely things that had to be reserved ahead of time. Jed crashed a conveniently timed Greek family celebration and spent the night with Hannah in a deluxe hotel suite—again, they had to make arrangements with whatever family that was, and the hotel suite was probably #sponcon. Luke and Hannah flew via helicopter to the island of Santorini—definitely a planned excursion.  Tyler and Hannah, though? They got a massage together and spent the night on a docked yacht. Of all the dates, theirs was the one that had nothing to do with Greece at any point, and of all the dates, theirs was by far the easiest to coordinate. For the spa date, they just had to, like, call up a hotel spa and see if there were any available appointments. And they didn’t need to find a yacht captain or anything—they just needed a docked boat. It says a lot about the show’s confidence in Tyler’s power to generate thirst that they saddled him with the impromptu date. “Whatever gets his shirt off!” they probably said to themselves—and they were right.



Tuesday, July 9, 2019

I just can't anymore

I realize I don't have a lot of viewing experience to help guide me through Bachelor Nation (I've only watched Colton's season of The Bachelor prior to Hannah Banana's season).  I'm still a newbie.  But Holy Mother of God.  I just can't with this girl anymore.  She's driving me insane. 

Last night's episode was the "hometown visits."  Our girl visited each of the final four's family and went on dates.  I'm still not over JPJ going home so my apologies if I sound bitter. 

Pete the Pilot

Pete the Pilot is adorable.  Absolutely adorable.  But I don't see much chemistry between these two.  He's sweet and nice and definitely the guy you want to bring home to your family.  And he's got a fun family, too.  Of all the hometown visits last night, Pete's family was my favorite. 

Pete (Peter?) starts off the visit with a drive in his gorgeous car.  I'm not a car person by any means but I can totally appreciate beautiful craftmanship.  While looking for some gum or Altoids in his car's center console, Hannah Bananas finds a condom.  It's the perfect analogy of their relationship: Sweet and funny with a touch of sexy (but not a whole lot).

Pete the Pilot then takes her flying and he works in a lot of flying puns (i.e., comments about soaring in love, etc.).  They kiss in mid-air which freaked me out.  It was the equivalent of texting and driving and I wanted to yell at him to keep both hands on the wheel! 

The couple then heads to his parents' house where they meet dad Peter, Barbara the mom and Pete the Pilot's younger brother whose name I did not catch.  The family is quirky and full of tradition, shouting a German prayer before they eat Cuban food. But they're also emotional.  Peter chokes up talking about his grandparents.  Which got me.  I loved loved loved my grandparents (especially my grandmother) and miss them every day. 
Hannah reassures Barbara, who knows Peter risks heartbreak, about her intentions: "I can see that it could be Peter and I at the end of this. I wouldn’t allow him to invest his heart into me if I didn't think that the end could be him and I."  I'm not even going to try to correct the grammar in Hannah speak.  It's not worth it. 

It's time for Tyler

Hannah then joins Tyler in his hometown of Jupiter, Florida.  The two go out on a boat where they seem to always have a great time together.  Tyler is clearly at home on the water (remember their lobster boat date?).  This time they are on a boat with minimal clothing versus heavy fisherman sweaters.  Hannah acknowledges there's a physical chemistry in their relationship, but wonders if he's ready for marriage. 

We're reminded of health issues Tyler's dad Jeff has faced (he nearly died two months before taping began) and learn he had a paralyzed vocal cord. Tyler and Jeff embrace in a tearjerker moment.
Jeff says he hasn't seen Tyler so happy in a long time, and he reassures Hannah that marriage is definitely something on Tyler's mind.

"You can't plan to fall in love," he tells her. "It just hits you right between the eyes. I'm ecstatic for him, if that's the way it all turns out." 

Will the real Luke please stand up?

Hannah meets Luke in Gainesville, Georgia and it was kind of jarring to be on his home turf.  The villagers weren't actively mad at him every waking second and we got to see a different side of Luke. 

Luke takes Hannah to "Sunday school," a prayer group he goes to before church every week. He recaps his drinking, partying and sex-chasing past and a heavenly epiphany he once had in the shower. I think the Southern, church-going, God-fearing part of Hannah feels affirmed by the goodness she's seen in him. 

Luke's family is taken aback when Hannah and Luke explain his drama on the series. We get a sense of the origins of Luke's narcissism when he chats with his dad.  "If she’s worth it to you, that means she’s worth you," Mike tells him. Luke can't see this not working out for him. And there he is!  The cocky Luke we've come to know and love (hate?).

Family time has done Luke some good -- he apologizes to Hannah and says he knows she may have concerns about getting where they need to be. He insists he's going to continue showing her who he is and that, without a doubt, he loves her and is looking at his future wife.  In an aside, she says she's falling in love with him (though, she confides, she hasn't fallen). A leopard doesn't change his spots.  Run Hannah!  Run!  

Jed is just that into you — but his family isn't

Our last hometown is in Tennessee with Jed.  Oh boy.  I positively cringed through this hometown visit.  I've never been a Jed fan (especially after last week when he told the older couple that he was "English."  Seriously dude?).  And this episode didn't do him any favors in my opinion.  Although I loved his family and what straight shooters they were.  My kind of people. 

During their time in Tennessee, Hannah and Jed visit a recording studio and write a song together. It's
sugary sweet and horribly cliched.  Made my teeth hurt.  "I love you," he tells her in the studio. "I can feel it."  I really think Big Head Jed was referring to himself though. 

When it's time to meet his family (and cute dog), however, they are just not feeling it.  His father Jerry questions whether Hannah and Jed have discussed his musical ambitions.  His mother Gina doesn't seem to trust Hannah and flat out asks Hannah if she's told all the other contestants that she's falling in love with them.  His sister says she's not sure that the match is a good thing. Ouch.  The sister actually reminded me of the old American Idol days when Randy Jackson used to say, "I'm just not feeling it dog."  I was hoping Mama Gina would break out a "bless her heart" or two.  You know she wanted to. 

Hannah says in an aside that she didn't get the validation she expected. The date is all too reminiscent of when Colton didn't get the approval he wanted from Cassie's father during last spring's "Bachelor" hometown episode.

So!  Who does Hannah send home? 

Turns out, no one.  Seriously.  She doesn't send anyone home.  And it's so stupid and drawn out and over dramatic.

When the group returns to Los Angeles for the rose ceremony Hannah gives roses to Peter and Tyler. Yay!!!  But before she can give the final rose . . . she seems to struggle with some inner turmoil and leaves the room.  With the damn final rose! 

Host Chris Harrison asks if she's OK, she replies she's not and can't make a decision. She just knows in her heart of hearts she'll be closing a door on a relationship that's not done. The rational choice would be to dump Jed.  The more obvious choice would be to send back home Luke to Georgia. 

Tyler tells Jed, "It'll be complete baloney if you don't get a rose," a little inside joke to last week's nonsense when Luke dropped bologna on Garrett's lap.  Hannah eventually returns.  Without a rose. She says he can't give out a final rose. What does that mean?!  Cue the dramatic music! 

Our "Bachelorette" pulls an Oprah: Everyone gets a humpback whale.  I mean rose!  I meant rose! 
Jed is a little put out by this sudden change of plans and says it doesn't even feel like he got a rose and doesn't want to be lumped in the same category as Luke.   I understand where he's coming from.  But given his family's ambivalence (and let's not even talk about the rumors circulating of his very recent girlfriend) perhaps he should just cool and it be happy to still be around.


 And yeah.  I'm still salty about JPJ. 
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