We had a relaxing, chill Memorial Day and haven't watched much TV the last couple of days. I've been reading a lot and the only shows I've watched were The Spanish Princess Sunday evening and The Bachelorette Monday night.
So here goes my Bachelorette recap . . .
It's group date for Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones (JPJ from here on out), Kevin, Jed, Tyler C, Mike (aka Mike the Man) and ABC (not the network). The guys meet Hannah at a combination maternity ward/movie studio in Los Angeles. But what’s waiting for them inside is truly terrifying…it's the annoying guy from American Pie! Yup. Asshat Jason Biggs and his wife Jenny Mollen are here to teach the dudes about pregnancy and childbirth. They are one of those annoying, know-it-all "celebrity" couples (kind of like Dax Shepherd and the girl from Frozen. Can't stand her.).
It's group date for Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones (JPJ from here on out), Kevin, Jed, Tyler C, Mike (aka Mike the Man) and ABC (not the network). The guys meet Hannah at a combination maternity ward/movie studio in Los Angeles. But what’s waiting for them inside is truly terrifying…it's the annoying guy from American Pie! Yup. Asshat Jason Biggs and his wife Jenny Mollen are here to teach the dudes about pregnancy and childbirth. They are one of those annoying, know-it-all "celebrity" couples (kind of like Dax Shepherd and the girl from Frozen. Can't stand her.).
They quiz the men on basic pregnancy facts (that was kinda scary to watch. Clearly our sex education curriculum has failed most of these guys. The only thing Tyler C knows about pregnancy is that the woman’s belly gets bigger and she eats a lot. Jed is able to correctly identify a basic reproductive-health fact and Hannah screams that he "knows his way around a woman." Meanwhile, Cam thinks the gestational period is two weeks.). Then the guys wear “empathy bellies” and care for baby dolls that cry at random, like real babies. KJ did this back in high school.
To mimic the agony of breastfeeding, Hannah clamps clothespins on the guys’ nipples (which, I'm guessing, is a regular Saturday night in some American households). The real treat of this date is when Nurse Ratchet hooks the boys up to a labor simulation gizmo. The guys all look like they’re somewhere between intense orgasm and throwing up all of their guts. JPJ is tensing up his entire body before they even turn the machine on. He screams like a little girl and practically falls off the table. He's adorable. Tyler C tries to look all male-model sexy during his turn (“I’m pretty sure he thought it was a photo shoot,” jokes Hannah) but once the electricity started flowing he lost any street cred he thought he had pretty quick.
During the cocktail party of the evening, we learned Hannah wants to move to Nashville. She's never even visited Nashville but wants to live there. Which is really hard to believe considering she's from Tuscaloosa. It's not that far of a drive. Nashville also happens to be where contestant Jed lives. There was also a lot of chicken nuggets.
Time to get serious, though. The pregnancy-themed date brought up a lot of sad memories and guilt for Mike. As he explains to Hannah, he and his ex-girlfriend got pregnant, but then they lost the baby in the second trimester. “It was my fault because I wasn’t there for her at the time,” Mike says sadly. “It’s just one thing I can be a better man at.” It’s an intense and moving moment… so naturally, producers send Cam in to interrupt it! “Whenever you guys are wrapped up,” he mumbles, “I’ll just be outside.” Every time Hannah or Mike manages to push Cam out of the room, he waits ten seconds and walks back in because he’s got something really important to tell her. Read the room, dude.
Instead, though, Cam lingers right out of frame, making everyone uncomfortable, until Mike politely asks him to GTFO. He and Hannah Bannanas share a tender smooch, and just as Hannah’s about to share something important with Mike, in walks Cam again! “I have something really important I need to tell her,” he explains weakly. “I haven’t had any time.” Mike does not back down (“You’re gonna get your time… I’ll come get you”), and then gives Hannah one last kiss as Cam watches.
Of course, Mike gives the guys a full report about Cam’s actions. “I just got interrupted on three different occasions,” he tells them. “And twice, Hannah as well said you need to leave the room.” And thus, this week’s Cam-Mike rivalry (more on that later) is born.
Suddenly, Jonathan arrives like an avenging angel of karma, and he all but physically removes Cam from the couch. “What goes around comes around,” says Jonathan, who steps between Cam and Hannah as the former tries to walk the Bachelorette to the door. Rather than asking Jonathan to back off, Hannah sends Cam off with half-ass, one arm hug.
“There’s a difference between being bold and being charismatic and romantic, versus being a little physical overpowering insecure chihuahua,” ABC (not the network) complains to JPJ. Once Jonathan is back on the couch with the rest of the guys, Cam attempts to goad Jonathan into an intense staring contest. But here’s some good news: Mike gets the date rose! He's the only person on this date with even the slightest bit of charm, so it's all good.
The next day, baby-faced Connor S (I think he's KJ's fav at this point) is supposed to have a one-on-one sailing date with Hannah. Unfortunately, earlier that morning our Bachelorette passed out and spent some time in the hospital. Honest to God, I think she was drunk from the night before and had a wicked hangover and needed an IV drip to get her through the day. When Connor gets the news that he’s going to go to her hotel room instead to help her convalesce, all the guys hoot and holler like hanging out with someone in their hotel room after being hospitalized is sexxxxxy. Connor picks up a card, some chicken soup, and flowers which was sweet. He goes to Hannah’s hotel room where she tells him that she fainted (passed out??) and had to get fluids. Then they make out. Because I've always felt up to making-out after all of my hospital stays. Though she was discharged, our brave, strong girl is still “not feeling 100 percent,” as she explains to Connor. Last week, our Bachelorette was so exhausted and overwhelmed that she started crying actual tears at the second cocktail party. And now in week three, she wound up in the hospital after passing out! At this rate, poor Hannah will be in a medically induced coma by hometowns. If anyone would like to start a prayer chain to keep our fragile Bachelorette standing until the finale, hit me up in the comments. Connor tells her a story about his mom’s health scares, and he writes little notes all over Hannah’s hotel room letting her know all the amazing things about her. It was cute.
The date isn’t over yet. After Hannah's nap, he heads back to the mansion, but a limo driver tells him he’s got 15 minutes to “look sharp, my man!” They head to an awkward private concert with someone (IDK). Connor gets the rose.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Luke is antsy and anxious because he’s the one who’s supposed to be comforting Hannah at her time of need. And the weirdo even asks what she was wearing in the hospital. “It’s my job to care of her right now,” he insists. “I know she wants me over there.” He tells the guys that if he were the one visiting Hannah and she told him to leave, he would refuse. “I’d say, ‘It’s all right, I’ll just curl up next to you in bed.’… I wouldn’t leave.” So according to Luke, leave means stay, no means yes. It's revealed that Tyler G (Superman lookalike) "had to leave” without any explanation. Odd. We don’t see him saying goodbye to the guys or having a sad farewell chat with Hannah. Did the producers want him out of the mansion ASAP? Family emergency? Wonder if we'll ever know. It’s also unclear how much producers told the Bachelorette about the situation, but she says his departure is “upsetting because I really enjoyed my date with him.”
Dylan, Peter, Garrett, Grant, Luke P, Luke S, Joey, and Devin pile into the party bus for uncomfortable group date number two . . . a weird photo shoot where each guy will be paired up with a “top model.” The models are beasts . . . dogs, a llama, a pig, a rat, a miniature horse and a snake. Cue the annoying product placement (this time it's the movie The Secret Life of Pets 2). The cheesy infomercial/commercial doesn’t end with the animals. Hannah Bannanas has teamed up again with Demi to do some recon. “The Secret Life of Pets 2 is about what pets do in their secret lives whenever their owners aren’t around,” explains Demi. “So today we’re going to see what Hannah’s guys do… whenever she’s not around.” I like Demi but I was really hoping Miss J and Co. would be back this week.
Demi should work for the goddamn CIA, Secret Service, Interpol, etc. She's seated in front of a bunch of surveillance camera feeds and watches the guys from a hidden room. Her goal is to see how the men interact with the makeup artist and an animal trainer (two hot actresses the show hired to flirt with contestants). None of the guys seem to take the bait.
Eventually, the guys do get to take some pics with Hannah and Luke P can’t handle it. He barges into her shoot with Joey and then tries to follow the Bachelorette to her changing room, but she brushes him off with a nervous laugh. “I need him to slow his roll,” she tells us. “He is not guaranteed this. I have a lot of other relationships that are really great, too.”
It’s time for the old “there won’t be a cocktail party tonight” fake-out. Instead, Hannah has decided to throw a tailgate party for the week’s final shindig. Get psyched, guys! Sun’s out, buns out.
Chris Harrison comes over to tell them that instead of a cocktail party they’re going to do a tailgate party, and the guys are excited because FOOTBALL! and SPORTS! Cam decides to make an actor’s announcement and tell everyone that he would like to talk to Hannah first to tell her another important thing about his life. He wants the guys to know that he has something “very, very personal and very serious” that he was planning to tell Hannah at the cocktail party. “This is something that has been a downfall in my past two serious relationships,” he continues, and he’s hoping the guys will let him be the first one to talk to the Bachelorette when the tailgate party starts. “There’s a strong likelihood that it may be too much for her to handle,” Cam adds, “and she sends me home before the rose ceremony.”
Mike says “bullshit. There’s no rules of engagement.” How can Cam expect the guys to respect his time, says Other Luke, when he’s been so disrespectful of their time with Hannah? As for the Bachelorette, she just wants a “chill day.” But just as Hannah’s telling us she doesn’t want to hear about “anything tragic,” Cam drags her to the pool so he can fill her in on his Very Important Backstory: his leg was almost amputated, his grandma died and he had to give away his puppy. All in the same week. Any and all of those are difficult things to experience, but stacking them in one story that you demand someone listen to is a lot for one person to take in. At a tailgate party. Mike takes Hannah aside and lets her know that Cam thought he was going home and demanded he get to talk to her so any story he told her is probably in search of a pity rose. Hannah is furious and puts it together that Cam just wants to stay and Mike never has to say anything of the sort. She confronts Cam and the rest of the guys to let them know there are no pity roses.
I was a little disappointed with Mike at this point of the evening. I felt like he was stirring the pot a bit. I get it. He was annoyed with Cam’s latest theatrics, but the way he describes it to Hannah — “He sat us all down and told us that he was going to tell you a sad story to kind of get a pity rose” — was off base. Either way, Hannah seems all too ready to believe the worst about Cam, and you can’t really blame her. “I’m really disappointed,” she says. “I don’t give pity roses.” She fetches Cam from the tailgate party and informs him that she finds the timing of his sob story quite suspect. Did he bring it up “in, like, a ditch effort to stay”? (Another of example of "Hannah no speak words too good." I'm sure she meant “last-ditch effort.")
Mike says “bullshit. There’s no rules of engagement.” How can Cam expect the guys to respect his time, says Other Luke, when he’s been so disrespectful of their time with Hannah? As for the Bachelorette, she just wants a “chill day.” But just as Hannah’s telling us she doesn’t want to hear about “anything tragic,” Cam drags her to the pool so he can fill her in on his Very Important Backstory: his leg was almost amputated, his grandma died and he had to give away his puppy. All in the same week. Any and all of those are difficult things to experience, but stacking them in one story that you demand someone listen to is a lot for one person to take in. At a tailgate party. Mike takes Hannah aside and lets her know that Cam thought he was going home and demanded he get to talk to her so any story he told her is probably in search of a pity rose. Hannah is furious and puts it together that Cam just wants to stay and Mike never has to say anything of the sort. She confronts Cam and the rest of the guys to let them know there are no pity roses.
I was a little disappointed with Mike at this point of the evening. I felt like he was stirring the pot a bit. I get it. He was annoyed with Cam’s latest theatrics, but the way he describes it to Hannah — “He sat us all down and told us that he was going to tell you a sad story to kind of get a pity rose” — was off base. Either way, Hannah seems all too ready to believe the worst about Cam, and you can’t really blame her. “I’m really disappointed,” she says. “I don’t give pity roses.” She fetches Cam from the tailgate party and informs him that she finds the timing of his sob story quite suspect. Did he bring it up “in, like, a ditch effort to stay”? (Another of example of "Hannah no speak words too good." I'm sure she meant “last-ditch effort.")
Cam vehemently denies that he was seeking a “pity rose,” but when Hannah asks him if he was writing goodbye letters to the guys earlier that morning he mans up and does not deny it. “I was writing letters because I didn’t know how you would respond to [my story],” he explains. Hannah tells him his actions feel “really calculated” and that she needs to think about whether she can trust him again.
At the cocktail party, Hannah is wearing some bold fashion choices (an outfit from the Taylor Swift Romper Collection, a drapey looking necklace and some really dark lip color) and she’s decided she’s not going to tolerate Luke P’s behavior no matter how ripped his quads are. Hannah pulls Luke P aside first to give him a little talking-to. “It’s annoying when Luke P. tries to flaunt our connection in front of the guys,” she says. Luke P tells Hannah that he regrets “letting other guys develop a stronger connection with you… I really don’t think these guys have what it takes to be your future husband.” Wait. What? You're "letting" the guys develop connections with Hannah? I don't think so Luke P.
“I’ve been struggling a little bit because I just feel like you already think it’s like promised to you and that bothers me a lot,” the Bachelorette explains. “I feel like your confidence in this kind of makes me irritated, in a way.” When Luke tries to cut her off, she shuts him down. “Hold on, let me talk.” Hannah goes on to school Luke P on the difference between confidence and cockiness, and she scolds him for his pushy behavior: “I want it to change.” I don't think Luke P gets the message because he goes on to say, “I don’t feel like I’ve been acting that way. I don’t see her seeing me like that. It doesn’t make sense to me.” In other words, Luke P disagrees with Hannah’s feelings — therefore her feelings, in his mind, are invalid. And so after his confessional, he marches off to find Hannah and explain to her why everything she thinks is wrong. But the Bachelorette is in the middle of chatting with Devin, and she isn’t about to let Luke P interrupt her. “I will talk to you later, okay?” she says, sending him away. Much like herpes, though, Luke P comes back time and again. He tries to cut into Hannah’s chat with Dylan but gets denied, and then he lurks in the hallway next to the room where Hannah is chatting with Garrett so he can intercept her when she leaves. It does not go over well.
“I don’t want to do this right now,” she whispers angrily. “I want to call my own shots.” Because. You know. She's a strong, modern-day Bachelorette. Which is clearly the theme for this season. Luke P says, “Honestly, I can’t stand this process,” after joining everyone back on the couch and throws out a “I even had thoughts about leaving here tonight.” If Luke P had decided to leave at that point, Hannah probably wouldn’t have noticed since she’s too busy making out with Pete the Pilot.
When it’s time to hand out the date rose, Hannah suddenly seems to remember that she promised to talk to Luke P one last time. She takes him outside, the rose in her hand — leaving the rest of the guys to worry that the God-fearing stage-5 clinger is going to be rewarded for his behavior. But that does not happen. Ouch. With Luke P properly chastened, Hannah gives the date rose to Pilot Pete.
Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Dylan, Grant, Luke P, Garrett, John Paul Jones, Matteo, Devin, Luke S., and Kevin join Connor and Mike in the winners’ circle. Bye-bye, Cam! We also must bid farewell to Joey and Jonathan, in case you were wondering.
