I hope y'all are happy now

This was a very, very heavy John Paul Jones episode and I'm here for it!  Finally!  I’m still processing the weirdness of it all, but his adorkability helps.

Who would have thought that the romantic hero we all needed was blond, baffling, and bilious? Who knew the man we were all looking for was someone who would laugh at his own jokes like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas while talking like Ralph Lauren Spicoli. Me!  That's who!  I've been saying it all along people!  Pay attention!  There’s only one man shaving his own nipples and cartwheeling into our hearts, and his name is JOHN PAUL JONES — and, yes, you have to say all three.  Finally, we got what we (I) needed: two ROCK-SOLID HOURS of JOHN PAUL JONES madness.

 

We start off with Derek being sad about Demi breaking things off with him.  Kristina and Tayshia are looking for someone else to date. Kristina recommends Derek for Tayshia and she loves the idea so much, she heads off to end things with John Paul Jones right away.  Wait.  What?  I mean What.  The.  Actual.  Hell??  Look, none of us (other than JPJ.  "She's really the only woman I can envision a long-term relationship with" he says) really thought that the Tayshia and John Paul Jones “relationship” was going to stick, right? But Tayshia says she can’t see JPJ being her “future husband,” so she gently encourages him to go on a date with one of the new women scheduled to be arriving this week. This made me so sad.  JPJ is into her and tells her she's a pretty looking Beyoncé with really big eyes.  Wow.  That's romantic.  “I just want to make sure you’re happy,” she says. In other words, I’m gonna play the field, bro, and you should too.  Instead of Tayshia framing the conversation as her wanting to explore other connections, she asks John Paul Jones, "Is there anyone else you want to see come down the stairs?" When he says that he wouldn't really want to go on dates with anyone other than her, she insists that he should go on dates if he wants. Really, JPJ. Like, you should totally go on dates if you want to. 

 

So how does this manifest? Tayshia has just decided that she’s ready to settle down with a Serious Man, so she’s no longer interested in an untroubled boy like JOHN PAUL JONES. It’s this odd combination of “He’s Older So He’s a Man” and “I Need a HUSBAND” that leads to Tayshia unleashing the Chaotic Wholesome that is JOHN PAUL JONES into the world. She tells him that he should take advantage of everything Paradise has to offer.

 

And Paradise has to offer Tahzjuan.  You rememeber Tahjuan, don't you?  Tazjuan "I was there for two seconds."  From Colton's season?  Well, Tahzjuan just walked down the stairs, and she has her hard, little heart set on JPJ. Tahzjuan is really hot.  For real.  She's sweaty and overheating.  I don't know if she's pre-menapausal or if this is poor planning on  her part.  She didn’t clearly didn't pack well before heading into Paradise. This bitch did not buy sunscreen. This bitch did not pick out a setting spray or matte foundation. She also did not familiarize herself with the temperature in Mexico. She’s too warm and she’s not having fun. Also, Tahzjuan is saying everything a bad bitch would say but she does not have the actual attitude of a bad bitch. She’s talking smack but she’s also about to cry. “I’m here to take everyone’s man … [sniffle].”  Also, as Blake confirms, "She wasn't at Stagecoach."  I see what you did there Blake.  Very funny. 

Tahzjuan asks JPJ on her date and he agrees. After taking a shower and doing some manscaping, he says, "Well, Tayshia, I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for you. But if you really want me to go on this fucking date, I'll do it."  JPJ escorts Tahzjuan to dinner, though he’s still very much hung up on Tayshia. It also seems like he might have arrived at dinner already drunk, or high, or maybe he’s just insane?

 

The date is one of the oddest ones in BiP history. For some reason, both Tahzjuan and JPJ are extremely giggly to where they can barely talk. He asks her the "epitimology" of her name. They talk about whether you're supposed to eat the "date food." Tahzjuan seems to simultaneously think it's fake and will give her salmonella, and she might have a point because JPJ seems to get sick after eating the congealed date food. (It may have something to do with why he barely function the whole next day. Just saying.) After JPJ defies the laws of Bachelor date food, they go swimming and make out. Tahzjuan says, "John Paul Jones might be the strangest man I've ever met, but I love strange." She really does, as you'll see. "I'm having the best time!" she says. 

 

Slow your roll Tahzjuan.  Here comes Haley (aka one-half of “the Twins” from Ben’s season). Her sister Emily has a longtime boyfriend now, and so Haley is looking for a “goofy” guy of her own.  And she, too, has her sights set on JPJ. The poor guy only has his sights set on sleep, but he agrees to go on a date with Haley after some coffee and a nap. Seeing JPJ walk away with Haley is too much for Tahzjuan to bear.  She half-faints from dehydration and then asks the medical team for some   “guacamole and TOR-TIYYA chips.” Same Girl.  Same.  At one point, Tahzjuan takes a sip of her drink and lets the entire thing dribble out of her mouth. She stands and screams into the ocean. She’s eating spaghetti in the pool alone while crying, which is what the kids call “a mood.”

Meanwhile, Haley and JPJ are getting along famously on their date.  This is a match made in blonde hair heaven.  He agrees to her date offer. They ride horses. When they come across a beach, JPJ says, “I should have brought my goggles.” That’s a man who lives to get wet.They drink champagne. He rubs sunblock all over her butt. Things go well.

When they get back from their date, Tahzjuan declares that horseback riding is “lame” and demands to know whether Haley and JPJ kissed (they did). It’s very awkward.  Tahz’s “jokes” that she considered spitting in Haley’s wine. She also keeps going on about how she and JPJ are seagulls while Haley is a pigeon.  The Twin steps away so JPJ can sort things out with Tahz, which he does by making a rambling toast that ends with, “I’m physically and emotionally drained right now.”

Now that Derek has had 12 whole hours to get over his breakup with Demi, Tayshia thinks he’s ready to start dating again. “Derek is someone that stood out to me since day one,” she says.

Unfortunately, Derek still can’t even talk about Demi without crying, and he’s not even sure he should stay in Paradise. “I don’t know how to take a next step while I’m here,” he says sadly. Tayshia tells him to take some time and reflect before he makes any decisions.

 

Meanwhile, back at the resort, Caelynn is talking to Demi and bartender Wells about Dean.  While she doesn't seem to have asked for advice, they have a lot of it. “I’ve never felt more comfortable and more myself with anyone,” gushes Caelynn. She wants to push aside her worries about Dean’s “reputation,” but Demi warns Caelynn to keep her guard up. “He has a way of making people feel really special,” she says. “You need to lay down the law.” Wells agrees: “No one’s been able to, like, wrangle him.”

 

They think she needs to make her feelings very clear to him, so if he leaves her for someone else, he won't be able to claim he didn't know where she stood. Bachelor in Paradise is weird in that you don't necessarily want to define the relationship after only a few days together, but if you don't, the person will keep going on dates. (And sometimes even if you do make yourself clear, they make out with someone else in a pool right in front of you.)

 

Suitably chastened, Caelynn decides it’s time to have a “serious” conversation with Dean about their future… or lack thereof. The next morning, she pulls Dean to a daybed and asks him to clarify whether he’s serious serious about her, or just TV serious about her. He couldn't be more blunt. This is good as far as honesty goes, but bad for Caelynn.  

 

"I just want to know where your head’s at," Caelynn says. Dean responds, "All I know is I'm enjoying spending time with you." That’s the good news. Now for the gut-punch: “I suck at dating. It’s challenging for me to see myself getting to a point where I’m like, ‘All right, I’m ready to settle down now.” "I don't want to go to dinner parties on Saturday night and talk about our feelings and emotions." The first part of that sentence sounds alright, but, oof, the ending. "It’s basically like a 'convince me otherwise' situation," he says of not wanting to continue a relationship outside of Paradise. "And I think you would be miserable as my girlfriend." Well, damn.  There will be no “normal life” and Saturday-night dinner parties for Deanie Babies!  Caelynn does NOT love it. “This just feels like it’s gonna stop after Paradise,” she says. Dean does not deny that prediction.  

 

Caelynn says in her confessional, "I guess it's my mistake for thinking everyone comes here with the intention of having a relationship." Um, it's not your fault. That's the point of the show. Sure, not everyone ends up being there for the right reasons, but they are at least operating under the general idea that they'd be cool with dating someone. As we'll talk about further down, Kristina seems to be cruising by just so she can hangout at a resort, but even that is different than starting to date someone and then telling them you don't really want to date anyone on a dating show.

 We also see Blake telling Caitlin that she’s “100 percent” getting his rose.  Oh hey, there’s Kristina! She wants to make sure that Blake is making “good use” of his rose: “If you’re not sure about Caitlin, you shouldn’t lead her on.” Then she pulls out her big guns: “I kept your ass around.” The reverse pep talk seems to work because Blake then turns around and tells Caitlin that he’s “not 100 percent sure” what he’s going to do with his rose. Comedy! And also, as Caitlin puts it, a pretty “s—-y” move.

JPJ, meanwhile, goes from doing cartwheels on the beach with Tahzjuan to play-fighting with Haley on the daybed about whether it’s rude to say “yo” to your girlfriend. But in his heart of hearts, he still wants Tayshia. She, however, wants something else.

Caelynn is also ready to move forward with Dean, even though he’s a homeless commitment-phobe. But hey, he sang her happy birthday! That’s good enough. As for Katie, she’s determined to fix things with Chris before he gives his rose to Jen. “I wanted you to know that I want to be with you 100 percent,” she tells him. “I don’t want you to doubt where my head’s at.” Chris still seems conflicted and hesitant, so Katie almost literally spells it out one more time: “I want to be with you, Chris Bukowski.”

It’s time for the cocktail party. The unoccupied women all head in with an agenda. Tayshia is going to lock down Derek.  After a crazy couple of days in Paradise, JPJ is still into Tayshia. We find out more about his feelings when Tayshia and Derek hit it off at the party before the rose ceremony. Derek tells Tayshia, "We have this friendship weird thing and I would like to break that barrier and see where this takes us."

 

JPJ pulls Demi aside to hang out with her and Kristian is upset to see Demi maybe flirting with someone. She says, “This is not what I signed up for.” That's funny.  I didn't realize she actually signed up for this.  She also makes the really great point that there’s no one there for Kristian to be tempted by. So they’re just not even pretending to be part of the show anymore. We’re just watching two people go on a couple’s trip.

 

It’s time for the rose ceremony and Chris says they’re going to be doing things a little differently. Demi is going to give Kristian a rose first and — oh, that’s it? Okay. “Paradise is all about finding love, no matter what that looks like,” says Harrison, adding that he’s going to “change the rules” by letting Demi hand out the first rose of the evening.   Obviously Demi and the producers discussed the possibility of her bringing Kristian to Paradise before she even arrived. 

 

Dylan gives Hannah his rose, Clay picks Nicole, Mike picks Sydney, Dean gives his rose to Caelynn. Blake gives his rose to Kristina because he’s just bad decisions personified. Derek gives his rose to Tayshia.  Ok.  I get it.  JPJ gives his rose to Haley even though she’s his second choice, and Chris gives his rose to Katie. Caitlin, Tahzjuan, and Jen are going home.  At least Tahzjuan will have some air conditioning in her future.

The episode ends with Dean taking Caelynn down to the beach to talk. No one knows if it's going to be positive or not, including Caelynn. She's even more into him at this point, because he gave her a birthday cake at the cocktail party. Maybe he had a change of heart on the whole going to dinner parties and talking about emotions thing.  We all can see the breakup (ON HER BIRTHDAY) coming a mile away.

 

To be continued …

 

McNuggets for 3 please!

Since I'm still so new to the Bachelor / Bachelorette, I forgot to set the DVR to record this season of the Bachelorette.  KJ and I watched it live the first week and just totally forgot about it so I had to catch-up on demand last night.  Oh boy.  What a show. 

The episode starts with the guys getting the 411 on the group date.  One of the guys (IDK his name) calls out the following:  Grant, Luke S, Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan, and Luke P.  I can't remember exactly what the card says but all I know is Miss J (yes! catwalk queen Miss J from America's Next Top Model and star of some of my very favorite gifs!!!!) is there and he brought some friends with him!  I love love love Miss J and wish he'd be on the show every week! 

Drag icons Alaska Thunderf— (use your imagination) and Alyssa Edwards, will be helping the "contestants" prep for the swimsuit and talent portion of the competition.  They whole gang is here to judge the Mr. Right Pageant, which — if the Speedos are any indication — will be an exercise in equal-opportunity objectification. “The drag queens, being fearless and embodying who they are as a person is just resonating with me,” says Mike, as he practices walking in size-15 (!) heels. “I need to let Hannah know that I’m Mr. Right.” He's one of my favorites!  He's got a fabulous smile and great manners!!! 

 

The pageant begins with, of course, the runway walk (AKA sausage parade.  AKA an excuse to get the guys nearly naked). Why didn’t anyone tell Jonathan to take off his dress socks before strutting down the catwalk?  The judges seem a bit perplexed by John Paul Jones but I kinda like him.  He's adorable and I don't think we've seen that side of him yet.  Everyone seems to approve of Jed, who paired his Speedo with a pair of cowboy boots. But no one gets a higher score on the beefcake scale than Luke “God spoke to me in the shower." 

 

 

“Luke has the body of a Greek god,” drawls John Paul Jones with reluctant appreciation. “The guy looks amazing.”  Ya' think???

The “talent” portion is a silly.  There's a unicycle, someone playing the trumpet poorly, some juggling.  Maybe some tap dancing.  And Jed sings a romantic little diddy on the guitar. 

Hannah Bananas is like a kid in a candy shop.  Eye candy shop.  The icing on the cake is when Luke P decides to shoot his shot two episodes into the season with a totally creepy and premature declaration of love.  “Hannah, I can’t believe I’m saying this right now. This is pretty crazy because it’s so soon,” says Luke P, as the audience begins to whoop expectantly. “Hannah, I’m genuinely… beginning… to fall…in love with you.” Apparently, his talent is… bullshit.  In a move that shocks no one, Hannah crowns Luke P as the winner of her Mr. Right Pageant.

Though Jed is disappointed, he’s keeping his eye on the prize. “There is a rose up for grabs,” he reminds us. “And that means more to me than a sash.” Mike the Man throws a little shade Luke P’s way when he offers the first “cheers” of the night at the cocktail party: “I want to give a cheers to people just being real,” he says. “Make sure that this is for the real reason — that this is love forever, not just 15 minutes.”

Luke P handles this constructive criticism about as well as you might expect: He annoys the guys further by stealing Hannah away from the group first. Once they’re alone, the Bachelorette quizzes him about how he could possibly be feeling anything close to love when they haven’t even known each other for 48 hours. Finally!  Someone with half a brain!!!  This was the point in the season where I started to like Hannah.  A little.  We got a glimpse of sanity and it was nice.  “I am… starting… to fall in love with you,” Luke replies. But then she blew it with the following:  “I asked for bold, and you’re bold!” she giggles. “He’s saying everything my heart needs him to say,” she tells us.   

The other guys are definitely not ready to let Luke P off the hook. “You’ve had less than two hours with her,” says Mike. “In the history of man, I’ve never heard someone say ‘I think I’m starting to fall in love with you’ that fast.” Luke, the “good Christian boy” lets the dudes know that when he wants something, he gets it.  "No matter what it takes.” In other words, he’ll do/say anything to “win” Hannah. Mike shrugs in disgust, a gesture that likely speaks for all of Bachelor Nation.  At the end of the night, it’s Jed, not Luke, who takes home the date rose.

The next day, Hannah is wearing some kind of all-white jean outfit and picks up Tyler G in a helicopter.  Because, this is the Bachelorette.  The first one-on-one of the season goes pretty well (better than Hannah's one-on-one w/ Colton).  The Bachelorette thinks this Tyler is a “stud” with his dark hair and blue eyes. “He feels like a Tim Tebow — but hotter.” They go mudding.  Because, she's from Alabama. 

After four-wheeling, the dirty duo cuddle on the couch and talk about, you know, the importance of “being real.”  “You’ve gotta just reach out to the people you care about,” says Tyler, “and be genuine.” Hannah then outlines some vague goals for the future: having a family, being a “strong woman,” building a career that will “help people,” and doing “incredible things” with her “future husband.” Tyler G. claims to be pro-helping people and just keeps repeating how lucky he is to be with Hannah. It should not come as a surprise to anyone reading this that Tyler G. gets a date rose.

And then group date number 2 is upon us! With the exception of a couple of guys, this is basically the reject group.  The Bachelorette greets Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J, Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C, Joey, Peter, and Garrett outside a shady looking warehouse in a sketchy part of LA where they are greeted by Los Angeles’s own Derby Dolls. “Get ready to get hit!” announces one of the Dolls.  The majority of hits are coming from the floor, which is repeatedly slamming itself against everyone’s asses.  This looked horribly painful and not fun at all.  Team Bachelorette treats us to a montage of wipeouts set to Strauss’ “Blue Danube,” which added a comedic touch.

The post-Derby cocktail party takes place at what looks like a Pier One warehouse or a fancy storage unit.  The cocktail party is chugging along when suddenly an SUV pulls up to the curb and out pops the season’s biggest reject (so far), Cam. The last we saw Mr. “ABC,” he was moping around the house playing the harmonica and wishing he’d been chosen for a date this week. Clearly, some helpful producer talked him into crashing the group date that he wasn’t “invited” to (air quotes are Cam’s, who does not know how air quotes work).

“This is a very Cam thing to do,” Cam informs us. Hannah does not look particularly happy to see Cam, but she lets him interrupt her one-on-one chat with Devin. All he wants is to make sure Hannah knows that he misses her and that he’s trying not to “over-Hannah-lyze” the situation when she’s out on dates with other guys.

The rest of the men are not pleased to hear that Vanilla Ice has entered the building. “That’s a stalker boyfriend vibe right there,” notes Daron.  Tyler C is so annoyed he follows Cam out into the parking lot … when he probably could have been using that time to talk to Hannah. “The guys are a little beside themselves,” Tyler C mumbles passive-aggressively.  "We’re all fighting for time” (soooo.....why aren't you inside chatting it up with Hannah???).  Cam politely makes it clear that he does not give a rip about anything but spending time with Hannah, so Tyler slinks back to the World Market warehouse. 

Suddenly, it’s like that scene in Airplane! when everyone lines up to slap the hysterical passenger.  First, here comes Garrett — another guy who could be talking to Hannah instead of yelling at some other bro about how he hasn’t talked to Hannah. “I don’t really appreciate that, dude,” says Garrett. “You’re not sorry, dude… You stepped on our toes and you stepped on her toes a little bit, too.” And now here’s Kevin, who chirps at Cam for crossing the invisible “boundaries” that help maintain a civilized order in the Bachelorette universe. “Cam’s a piece of s—,” he tells the other guys. Chill out, everyone! Cam didn’t get the date rose — he’s not even eligible this week. Instead, it goes to Dustin. 

And now we're at the cocktail party already? And is Hannah crying before it even begins.  I think she's a bit tipsy at this point.  I'm serious.  She sounds a little slurr-y.  Like a drunk sorority girl at last call. 

“I wanna be real with you,” she tells the guys through her tears. As she talks, her sniffles become more prominent, so Mike asks someone to get her a tissue. (Devin hands her an old-fashioned handkerchief instead which is AWESOME!!!  A real man always has a hankie with him!!!!  Kudos to Mike the Man for recognizing Hannah's needs and Kudos to Devin for being a Boy Scout!).  “I’m so sorry,” Hannah continues. “I’m just overwhelmed with emotions about how lucky I am. [sniff] And it’s also scary. And it’s hard to make decisions [sniff] when I don’t know all you that well [sniff] as I want to.”

After she pulls it together, the one-on-one chats begin. Connor J, who didn’t get a date this week, moves in first. “I thought about you a lot this week,” Hannah tells him, and they smooch. Is it just me or does he have a little speech impediment?  Kevin suggests that he and Hannah purge their inner anguish by unleashing a primal scream upon the heavens above the mansion.

“That was awesome!” says Hannah giddily. And this is when things get weird.  Right in  the middle of her convo with Kevin, in walks Cam.  "I’ve actually got something planned for all three of us,” he announces.  Wait.  What???

I have nothing against chicken nuggets, but this was so cringeworthy.  The three of them, sitting in the middle of candles and rose petals shaped into a heart and some honey mustard sauce.  For some reason, Kevin agrees to bring the tray of nuggets inside while Cam and Hannah enjoy their driveway picnic — but he’s pretty salty about it. “What he was doing was control freakish and weird,” he huffs. Once his rival is back inside, Kevin lets him know exactly what he thinks about his fast food-themed tomfoolery and flips the nuggets in Cam's face. 

And then things get even weirder.  What in the holy hell is going on in the next room? It looks like Luke P has asked production to set up some kind of makeshift massage table in the little green sitting room. “You’ll learn, I’m really good with my hands,” he tells Hannah. (at that point I threw up in my mouth a little).  The "massage" turns into a full-fledged make-out session and at some point the zipper of Hannah's dress is down. 

“He’s so hot,” purrs Hannah. “It’s like, can we just skip the main course and go to the dessert?” Poor Jed walks into this hormonal hot mess just as Hannah’s about to rub oil on a shirtless Luke P.  I totally saw this happening.  If you remember my recap of the first episode, I said we'd be seeing more of Luke P shirtless. 

“It’s not what it looks like, I promise,” chuckles Luke. Jed mutters something about how the awkward encounter is “not super appealing” and shuffles off, embarrassed. The Bachelorette is completely mortified. “F—, f—, f—, f—, f—, f—, f— me,” as she drops a series of F-bombs.  “I don’t know what to do.”

Hannah eventually works up the courage to talk to Jed, and he handles himself like a gentleman.  He graciously brushes the whole thing off and puts her at ease.  “There’s a lot of dudes in here that are after you,” he says. “Isn’t that weird?” Honestly.  I think he's too good for Hannah Bananas. 

And then we get right to the rose ceremony. Joining Jed, Tyler G and Dustin in the Circle of Safety this week are Tyler C, Garrett, Devin, Connor S, Luke P, Dylan, Luke S, Mike, Peter, Kevin, Jonathan, Joey, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Grant, and Cam (What.  The.  Hell????).  A couple of guys who's names I don't know are voted off the island. 

The evening ends with two final douche moves. First, Cam makes a toast to “Hannah Ayala.” (“That’s my last name,” he explains to the confused Bachelorette.) And once the guys disperse, Luke P sneaks off and crashes the Bachelorette’s confessional or whatever you want to call it. 

“I’m coming to talk to you,” he announces.  Just listen to listen to this load of crap he lays on Hannah while she's sitting on his lap:  “I felt like everything in time stopped when I was looking in your eyes for the first time.” Girl.  If someone has to say things like, “everything I’m telling you is 100% real” and “you can trust me,” run.  Run far and run fast.  IDK if she's buying what Luke’s selling but she's definitely into "dessert."