BIP

As I was new to The Bachelor and the Bachelorette, I am a first-timer when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise.  The first time I had heard about the show was when there was some inappropriate behavior and filming was stopped.  IDK the particulars so I will just leave it at that. 

Here's a list of the Bachelor In Paradise 2019 players if you need a quick recap: 
https://ftw.usatoday.com/2019/08/bachelor-in-paradise-2019-cast-guide-photos

Last night was episode #3 (or, the first episode of week #2 -- the show airs on Monday's and Tuesday's) and consists of, for lack of a better word, the "unchosen" from previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  IDK what they call the people on BIP.  Are they called the "cast?"  Are they called "daters" or "former" Bachelors or Bachelorettes?  Someone enlighten me please! 

This show is weird to me on so many levels.  Similar to the Bachelor or Bachelorette, I've noticed that several "contestants" have mentioned that their goal is to be engaged by the end of the show.  Much like The Amazing Race or Survivor, everyone seems to have a plan going in.  Like Survior, "the unchosen" go home after each rose ceremony.  Unlike the Amazing Race, the "contestants" don't seem to do much.  They just kind of hang around the house (which is insane BTW) and wait to go on dates.  It's reminds me of a harem or the minors.  Everyone one is just lounging around until they get called up to the big leagues.  The "unchosen" have obviously watched previous seasons and know in advance who they are attracted to and interested in.  A couple of unexpected/unannounced "contestants" are also thrown into the mix to liven things up.  Last night we saw Mike the Man from Hannah Bannanas season show up and some tool named Jordan.  Holy shit.  That guy is a total ass clown. More on him later. 

Let's talk about the two Instagram-feuding "contestants" Blake and Caelynn (Caeylnn, IMHO is a trouble-maker.  I do not like her).  After being portrayed as a bed-hopping, music-festival man-whore on last week’s episodes, Blake took to social media to defend himself. He released texts from Caelynn which he says proved they were both just looking for a no-strings-attached hookup. She, in turn, spoke out and said those texts were “not an accurate representation” of their relationship.  Whatever.  They both behaved badly and she came on the show to make him look bad.  They are both idiots. 

There was a rose ceremony last night and Derek (IDK who this guy is) gives his rose to Demi which she accepts with a lusty, “Yeah, bitch!”  Kind of anti-climatic for me since it was leaked that Demi has a girlfriend back home.  Clay gives his rose to Nicole (who was so, so whiney on Colton's season; I think she cried every episode she was in).  Wills (IDK who this guy is) gives his rose to Katie and Kevin gives his rose to Sydney (IDK who either of these people are).  My personal favorite, JPJ gives his rose to Onyeka and ABC Cam gives his rose to Caelynn.  Caelynn clearly made out with him last just to get rose and not be "eliminated."  I do not like her.  Before Blake has his big chance, Dylan gives his rose to Hannah.  Blake, in turn, gives his rose to Tayshia.  Tayshia took Blake's rose only because she wants to stay for the free vacay.  "I'm not a backup plan, and that's what he thinks I am," she says in her confessional. "So, Blake who?"  Contestant Chris gives his rose to Kristina. That means Jane (I think she was the one who tried to kill JPJ last week with poisoned tacos), Bibiana, and Annaliese (IDK who any of these people are) have been eliminated, must extinguish their torches and leave the island at once. 

 

Jordan, the self-proclaimed “Mayor of Paradise,” arrives to a less-than-enthusiastic reception (“Don’t everybody get up at once to meet me!” he jokes).  Even with a date card in hand, poor Jordan can’t get anyone to go out with him.  First, Jordan chats up Hannah; she’s a model too, so Jordan thinks they could be a “Barbie and Ken” power couple. She tells him his eyes are "bomb"; he tells her "You're cuter than I imagined"; and together they recap all the Blake drama. "[Blake's] putting his spoon in all the pudding," Jordan declares. "But this is my beach." He decides to go ahead and ask Hannah on a date and she says "yes."  The whole convo was weird and kind of like rapid-fire dating.  It was like an interrogation or a shady back alley business deal.  The guy is slimy and very full of himself. 

 

Next, he pulls Nicole aside, and when she tells him that she works as a writer, his response is absurd perfection: “I love words.” Once he starts hearing about all of Blake’s pre-Paradise shenanigans, though, Jordan gets distracted from his date mission and asks Kristina to give him the full scoop on the Stagecoach drama. “Blake one-nighted both of these gals like they were a couple of milk cartons at lunch!” he marvels. “You can’t do that, buddy!” 

 

Unfortunately for Jordan, Hannah has a change of heart.  Hannah realized that having two men after her (Dylan and Blake) was more than enough already.  The c–k-blocked Jordan channels all of his irritation in Blake’s direction. “I didn’t come to Blake in Paradise season 1,” he grumbles. “This is Bachelor in Paradise season 6!” To that end, the male model (?) pulls Blake aside to air his grievances, Festivus-style. “I know you. You are better than this,” he tells Blake. “It’s gonna get real crazy if there’s eight girls here saying they’re seeing you. It does not look good.”

On to his Paradise Plan B: Nicole! Jordan tells her that he “respects” her connection with Clay, but that doesn’t mean they can’t go on a date and have some fun, right? Right! Nicole is definitely into Clay, but she also can’t resist the spotlight of attention that a Paradise date brings. “I went from going on zero one-on-one dates on The Bachelor to going on, like, two back-to-back one-on-one dates,” she says with a giggle. “I’m the Bachelorette in Paradise!”  She's an idiot.  Little does Nicole know that Jordan tells the camera and all of Bachelor Nation that she wasn't his first choice. 

Clay handles it well. “In basketball, if you’re open for a shot… and somebody comes out of nowhere and swats it, you can’t be like, ‘Bro, why’d you block my shot?’ That’s the name of the game.”  He goes on to do a bunch of sports analogies like ice being slippery and a some other babble.  All of the women force fake laughter.  Jordan and Nicole have a good time ziplining. Doesn’t Nicole look like she’s having fun????  To be fair, that helmet-cam angle is not very flattering. Even though she had fun on her date with Jordan, Nicole returns to the beach and heads right back into Clay’s arms. “There’s no comparison,” she says, smooching him.

Cam has been laser-beam focused on Caelynn since before he came to Paradise. “Before I was even on The Bachelorette, I wanted her to be my Bachelorette,” he says. “It’s very surreal to think that in a very short period of time, I could be proposing to Caelynn.”  Whoa.  Just Whoa.  Slow your roll, buddy. Caelynn just needed a rose this week.  And she definitely does not need you to read her a two-page handwritten note about how into her you are. Sample line: “I licked my lower lip, and your jalapeno-rita spice still lingered and brought me such joy.”  She looked less than thrilled and not very nice as her read his love letter.  I do not like her. 

                               

Fortunately for us all, help is on the way!  Mike Johnson, owner of the best smile in Bachelor Nation and the man who many of us would like to see as the next Bachelor, has arrived. Cam is bummed because, in his mind, Mike is the reason Hannah Brown sent him home on The Bachelorette. 

Though Onyeka is clearly infatuated with Mike, he asks Caelynn on the date instead. Cam is devastated — a little too devastated, to be honest. “I was born to be a husband, I was born to be a father,” he says tearfully. “It’s gonna happen… I just want it to be here.” Too bad Caeyln looked like a hot sweaty nervous mess on her date with Mike.  Ick.  I do not like her. 

Having struck out with Hannah last week, Wills gives his rose to Katie and then attempts to make his “intentions” known with a private chat the next night. “I feel like you’re such an amazingly beautiful woman, not just physically,” he says. “I feel like you deserve the world, and you deserve someone to take you on a date every single night you’re here.” It’s a lovely sentiment that makes Katie cry… but not in the happy-tears kind of way. She shuts him down and starts crying and just seems incredibly overwhelmed by everything. (In her own words on Twitter, she was "malfunctioning," which is both a hilarious and highly accurate way to put it.).  She's basically incoherent and the only words we hear from her are:  “shut this door” and “it’s not going to be between us right now.”

Out of nowhere here comes some guy named Chris.  “My favorite part of the day is always talking to you,” he says. “It’s easy for me to be open with you.” Suddenly, they’re smooching on the day bed.  From what I can gather, this is not Chris B's first rodeo.  

Producers made sure that Dylan got to go before Blake at the rose ceremony, so he starts the week with the upper hand in this love triangle. But Blake isn’t giving up. “Even though Hannah got her rose from Dylan, I think me and Hannah really do have something special,” he says. “I won’t let any other guys down here come between us.”

Demi and Katie both try to warn Hannah against Blake. It’s obvious to them, and to all of America, that Dylan is the true-blue guy in this scenario. Just look at how happy he is when Hannah tells him she’s not going on a date with Jordan!  I cannot disagree more.  I find Dylan to be smothering and slightly creepy.  And my gay-dar went off big time when he was on Hannah Banannas season. 

Not all of the “ladies” in Paradise trust Hannah or her intentions. “There’s a lot of red flags that Dylan is not seeing,” says Sydney. Oh, okay Sydney.  What about the red flags Hannah's not seeing from Dylan?  Huh, what about those?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.  Zip it Sydney.  “From what I’ve seen of Hannah, she went from really feeling Dylan one second, and then going in with Blake. If I were Dylan, I’d be pissed.”

Don’t worry, Sydney. Dylan is about to be very pissed, because Blake just stole Hannah for a romantic nighttime dance on the beach. “I’m all in,” he tells Hannah. “I wouldn’t be saying the things I’m saying unless I see, like, something past Paradise.” Apparently, the “spin-dancing” thing is Blake’s tried-and-true move: Both Tayshia and Kristina say he used it on them in the past. And dancing, of course, leads to kissing.
                                   And then things get hella awkward.  Dylan is creepily watching the action on the beach and after watching his crush smooch Blake for a few minutes, Dylan works up the courage to interrupt them. He asks Hannah to come chat with him, but Blake objects. “I feel like you’ve had her, like, all day man,” he says. “You’ve, like, shadowed her.” Dylan counters that he just wants to focus on Hannah, while Blake has been hitting on “every other girl here.” Burn! Blake, in turn, accuses Dylan of making Hannah feel uncomfortable, and on and on it goes. 

I've noticed that the male "contestants" behave like caveman and don't really seem to care what their female counterparts think.  Kind of like Luke P or douche canoe Jed, these guys have clearly set their sights on one woman and will stop at nothing to get her.  She's a prize to them rather than a love interest or life partner.  I love a strong, sexy alpha male as much as the next person but these guys are taking chest beating to a whole 'nother level. 

At this point I was a bit disappoint and frustrated as my girl Hannah she just stood there twirling her hair.  I don't know why she didn't say something to either or both of these hormonal neanderthals.  Instead she remains quiet and cute looking blankly at Dylan until he walks away. “She’s a freaking player!” grouses Tayshia. “Just like Blake.”

The episode ends with Dylan in his confessional wondering if Hannah and Blake hooked up prior to BIP.  The trailer for the next episode shows one of "ladies" asking "did you fly to Alabama?" 

Still not enough JPJ in this episode. 

McNuggets for 3 please!

Since I'm still so new to the Bachelor / Bachelorette, I forgot to set the DVR to record this season of the Bachelorette.  KJ and I watched it live the first week and just totally forgot about it so I had to catch-up on demand last night.  Oh boy.  What a show. 

The episode starts with the guys getting the 411 on the group date.  One of the guys (IDK his name) calls out the following:  Grant, Luke S, Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan, and Luke P.  I can't remember exactly what the card says but all I know is Miss J (yes! catwalk queen Miss J from America's Next Top Model and star of some of my very favorite gifs!!!!) is there and he brought some friends with him!  I love love love Miss J and wish he'd be on the show every week! 

Drag icons Alaska Thunderf— (use your imagination) and Alyssa Edwards, will be helping the "contestants" prep for the swimsuit and talent portion of the competition.  They whole gang is here to judge the Mr. Right Pageant, which — if the Speedos are any indication — will be an exercise in equal-opportunity objectification. “The drag queens, being fearless and embodying who they are as a person is just resonating with me,” says Mike, as he practices walking in size-15 (!) heels. “I need to let Hannah know that I’m Mr. Right.” He's one of my favorites!  He's got a fabulous smile and great manners!!! 

 

The pageant begins with, of course, the runway walk (AKA sausage parade.  AKA an excuse to get the guys nearly naked). Why didn’t anyone tell Jonathan to take off his dress socks before strutting down the catwalk?  The judges seem a bit perplexed by John Paul Jones but I kinda like him.  He's adorable and I don't think we've seen that side of him yet.  Everyone seems to approve of Jed, who paired his Speedo with a pair of cowboy boots. But no one gets a higher score on the beefcake scale than Luke “God spoke to me in the shower." 

 

 

“Luke has the body of a Greek god,” drawls John Paul Jones with reluctant appreciation. “The guy looks amazing.”  Ya' think???

The “talent” portion is a silly.  There's a unicycle, someone playing the trumpet poorly, some juggling.  Maybe some tap dancing.  And Jed sings a romantic little diddy on the guitar. 

Hannah Bananas is like a kid in a candy shop.  Eye candy shop.  The icing on the cake is when Luke P decides to shoot his shot two episodes into the season with a totally creepy and premature declaration of love.  “Hannah, I can’t believe I’m saying this right now. This is pretty crazy because it’s so soon,” says Luke P, as the audience begins to whoop expectantly. “Hannah, I’m genuinely… beginning… to fall…in love with you.” Apparently, his talent is… bullshit.  In a move that shocks no one, Hannah crowns Luke P as the winner of her Mr. Right Pageant.

Though Jed is disappointed, he’s keeping his eye on the prize. “There is a rose up for grabs,” he reminds us. “And that means more to me than a sash.” Mike the Man throws a little shade Luke P’s way when he offers the first “cheers” of the night at the cocktail party: “I want to give a cheers to people just being real,” he says. “Make sure that this is for the real reason — that this is love forever, not just 15 minutes.”

Luke P handles this constructive criticism about as well as you might expect: He annoys the guys further by stealing Hannah away from the group first. Once they’re alone, the Bachelorette quizzes him about how he could possibly be feeling anything close to love when they haven’t even known each other for 48 hours. Finally!  Someone with half a brain!!!  This was the point in the season where I started to like Hannah.  A little.  We got a glimpse of sanity and it was nice.  “I am… starting… to fall in love with you,” Luke replies. But then she blew it with the following:  “I asked for bold, and you’re bold!” she giggles. “He’s saying everything my heart needs him to say,” she tells us.   

The other guys are definitely not ready to let Luke P off the hook. “You’ve had less than two hours with her,” says Mike. “In the history of man, I’ve never heard someone say ‘I think I’m starting to fall in love with you’ that fast.” Luke, the “good Christian boy” lets the dudes know that when he wants something, he gets it.  "No matter what it takes.” In other words, he’ll do/say anything to “win” Hannah. Mike shrugs in disgust, a gesture that likely speaks for all of Bachelor Nation.  At the end of the night, it’s Jed, not Luke, who takes home the date rose.

The next day, Hannah is wearing some kind of all-white jean outfit and picks up Tyler G in a helicopter.  Because, this is the Bachelorette.  The first one-on-one of the season goes pretty well (better than Hannah's one-on-one w/ Colton).  The Bachelorette thinks this Tyler is a “stud” with his dark hair and blue eyes. “He feels like a Tim Tebow — but hotter.” They go mudding.  Because, she's from Alabama. 

After four-wheeling, the dirty duo cuddle on the couch and talk about, you know, the importance of “being real.”  “You’ve gotta just reach out to the people you care about,” says Tyler, “and be genuine.” Hannah then outlines some vague goals for the future: having a family, being a “strong woman,” building a career that will “help people,” and doing “incredible things” with her “future husband.” Tyler G. claims to be pro-helping people and just keeps repeating how lucky he is to be with Hannah. It should not come as a surprise to anyone reading this that Tyler G. gets a date rose.

And then group date number 2 is upon us! With the exception of a couple of guys, this is basically the reject group.  The Bachelorette greets Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J, Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C, Joey, Peter, and Garrett outside a shady looking warehouse in a sketchy part of LA where they are greeted by Los Angeles’s own Derby Dolls. “Get ready to get hit!” announces one of the Dolls.  The majority of hits are coming from the floor, which is repeatedly slamming itself against everyone’s asses.  This looked horribly painful and not fun at all.  Team Bachelorette treats us to a montage of wipeouts set to Strauss’ “Blue Danube,” which added a comedic touch.

The post-Derby cocktail party takes place at what looks like a Pier One warehouse or a fancy storage unit.  The cocktail party is chugging along when suddenly an SUV pulls up to the curb and out pops the season’s biggest reject (so far), Cam. The last we saw Mr. “ABC,” he was moping around the house playing the harmonica and wishing he’d been chosen for a date this week. Clearly, some helpful producer talked him into crashing the group date that he wasn’t “invited” to (air quotes are Cam’s, who does not know how air quotes work).

“This is a very Cam thing to do,” Cam informs us. Hannah does not look particularly happy to see Cam, but she lets him interrupt her one-on-one chat with Devin. All he wants is to make sure Hannah knows that he misses her and that he’s trying not to “over-Hannah-lyze” the situation when she’s out on dates with other guys.

The rest of the men are not pleased to hear that Vanilla Ice has entered the building. “That’s a stalker boyfriend vibe right there,” notes Daron.  Tyler C is so annoyed he follows Cam out into the parking lot … when he probably could have been using that time to talk to Hannah. “The guys are a little beside themselves,” Tyler C mumbles passive-aggressively.  "We’re all fighting for time” (soooo.....why aren't you inside chatting it up with Hannah???).  Cam politely makes it clear that he does not give a rip about anything but spending time with Hannah, so Tyler slinks back to the World Market warehouse. 

Suddenly, it’s like that scene in Airplane! when everyone lines up to slap the hysterical passenger.  First, here comes Garrett — another guy who could be talking to Hannah instead of yelling at some other bro about how he hasn’t talked to Hannah. “I don’t really appreciate that, dude,” says Garrett. “You’re not sorry, dude… You stepped on our toes and you stepped on her toes a little bit, too.” And now here’s Kevin, who chirps at Cam for crossing the invisible “boundaries” that help maintain a civilized order in the Bachelorette universe. “Cam’s a piece of s—,” he tells the other guys. Chill out, everyone! Cam didn’t get the date rose — he’s not even eligible this week. Instead, it goes to Dustin. 

And now we're at the cocktail party already? And is Hannah crying before it even begins.  I think she's a bit tipsy at this point.  I'm serious.  She sounds a little slurr-y.  Like a drunk sorority girl at last call. 

“I wanna be real with you,” she tells the guys through her tears. As she talks, her sniffles become more prominent, so Mike asks someone to get her a tissue. (Devin hands her an old-fashioned handkerchief instead which is AWESOME!!!  A real man always has a hankie with him!!!!  Kudos to Mike the Man for recognizing Hannah's needs and Kudos to Devin for being a Boy Scout!).  “I’m so sorry,” Hannah continues. “I’m just overwhelmed with emotions about how lucky I am. [sniff] And it’s also scary. And it’s hard to make decisions [sniff] when I don’t know all you that well [sniff] as I want to.”

After she pulls it together, the one-on-one chats begin. Connor J, who didn’t get a date this week, moves in first. “I thought about you a lot this week,” Hannah tells him, and they smooch. Is it just me or does he have a little speech impediment?  Kevin suggests that he and Hannah purge their inner anguish by unleashing a primal scream upon the heavens above the mansion.

“That was awesome!” says Hannah giddily. And this is when things get weird.  Right in  the middle of her convo with Kevin, in walks Cam.  "I’ve actually got something planned for all three of us,” he announces.  Wait.  What???

I have nothing against chicken nuggets, but this was so cringeworthy.  The three of them, sitting in the middle of candles and rose petals shaped into a heart and some honey mustard sauce.  For some reason, Kevin agrees to bring the tray of nuggets inside while Cam and Hannah enjoy their driveway picnic — but he’s pretty salty about it. “What he was doing was control freakish and weird,” he huffs. Once his rival is back inside, Kevin lets him know exactly what he thinks about his fast food-themed tomfoolery and flips the nuggets in Cam's face. 

And then things get even weirder.  What in the holy hell is going on in the next room? It looks like Luke P has asked production to set up some kind of makeshift massage table in the little green sitting room. “You’ll learn, I’m really good with my hands,” he tells Hannah. (at that point I threw up in my mouth a little).  The "massage" turns into a full-fledged make-out session and at some point the zipper of Hannah's dress is down. 

“He’s so hot,” purrs Hannah. “It’s like, can we just skip the main course and go to the dessert?” Poor Jed walks into this hormonal hot mess just as Hannah’s about to rub oil on a shirtless Luke P.  I totally saw this happening.  If you remember my recap of the first episode, I said we'd be seeing more of Luke P shirtless. 

“It’s not what it looks like, I promise,” chuckles Luke. Jed mutters something about how the awkward encounter is “not super appealing” and shuffles off, embarrassed. The Bachelorette is completely mortified. “F—, f—, f—, f—, f—, f—, f— me,” as she drops a series of F-bombs.  “I don’t know what to do.”

Hannah eventually works up the courage to talk to Jed, and he handles himself like a gentleman.  He graciously brushes the whole thing off and puts her at ease.  “There’s a lot of dudes in here that are after you,” he says. “Isn’t that weird?” Honestly.  I think he's too good for Hannah Bananas. 

And then we get right to the rose ceremony. Joining Jed, Tyler G and Dustin in the Circle of Safety this week are Tyler C, Garrett, Devin, Connor S, Luke P, Dylan, Luke S, Mike, Peter, Kevin, Jonathan, Joey, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Grant, and Cam (What.  The.  Hell????).  A couple of guys who's names I don't know are voted off the island. 

The evening ends with two final douche moves. First, Cam makes a toast to “Hannah Ayala.” (“That’s my last name,” he explains to the confused Bachelorette.) And once the guys disperse, Luke P sneaks off and crashes the Bachelorette’s confessional or whatever you want to call it. 

“I’m coming to talk to you,” he announces.  Just listen to listen to this load of crap he lays on Hannah while she's sitting on his lap:  “I felt like everything in time stopped when I was looking in your eyes for the first time.” Girl.  If someone has to say things like, “everything I’m telling you is 100% real” and “you can trust me,” run.  Run far and run fast.  IDK if she's buying what Luke’s selling but she's definitely into "dessert." 

 

Bachelor Recap Week #2

Holy cow.  These girls are cuckoo for Colton-puffs.  And I get it.  He's adorbs.  He reminds me of Chris Pratt.  He just seems like a really nice, genuine guy.  But I am so so tired of hearing about his virginity.  And I'm sure he is, too. 

KJ and I watched the show live and tried to get T to watch with us from Denver but she couldn't get the ABC app to work properly.  Here's my thoughts on the second episode:

• It was a long episode.  I'm new at all this so I thought it was just going to be a 1-hour show. 
• I didn't realize the Bachelor could give out roses willy-nilly throughout the episode.  I thought he only gave them out at the end of each show during the rose ceremony. 
• The date with the one girl from Alabama, (Miss Alabama USA), Hannah B was very awkward despite it being her birthday.  You could tell she was nervous and uncomfortable.  I don't blame her.  I would be too.  I'm nervous and awkward on a regular basis and don't have cameras following me around.  And I understand her need to be perfect all the time.  I have a daughter like that.  The night time date got a little better when she started to open up and talk about her own sexual experience(s).  Which I found interesting.  I was wondering how the sweet Southern girls were going to handle the topic of their own sexuality if and when it came up.  I think Hannah B's experience is pretty common . . . she thought she was in love so they took the next step.  Oh!  And #RollTide  Yup.  Like I said, awkward. 
• I find it so incredibly rude and disrespectful when the girls interrupt each other during one-on-one time with the Bachelor.  During competition or group dates, that's fine.  But not cool to interrupt someone else's time.  Which brings me to:
• The two girls trying to out-do each other with noisemakers.  What are you?  Ten?  An air horn?  A pot and pan?  I think the one girl was the same one who showed up with a snorkel in last week's episode and said she was "drowning in a sea of bitches."  She had a whistle with her then so the airhorn was an apparent upgrade.  Oh!  And she made some cheesy comment about "being horny." 
• Tracy is going to blow a gasket.  For real.  She's got a vein in her forehead that is going to burst.  She had a mini-melt down last night and it was only episode 2.  It's just a matter of time before she goes full-blown nuts.  She is totally triggered by: 
• Demi.  Girl.  The robe?  The fantasy "closet?"  Touching the "group rose?"  Jumping off the stage during the group date and kissing Colton???  This is one very aggressive chick from Texas.  And, on top of her assertive behavior, she's making fun of the "older" ladies in the house.  Tracy confronted Demi and Demi apologized in an extremely condescending manner, but Demi was still confident she would receive the stem. Not.  So.  Fast.  Colton gave the rose to Elyse (she’s 31; he’s 26). Demi subsequently dubbed Elyse a cougar.  Elyse, btw, is a confident, very attractive red-head. 

• The Pageant Drama is going to get pretty intense if the sneak peeks are anything to go by.  Caeylnn, Miss North Carolina USA, gossiped a bit with the other girls about Hannah B.  These two girls not only competed in the Miss USA competition together, but they were even roommates!  According to Caelynn, Hannah was extremely upset (read "jealous") when Caelynn placed higher than her and Hannah B flipped her sh*t in a hot minute.  Caelynn also predicted Hannah B's behavior will rear its ugly head again soon.  Hannah B also mentioned Caelynn to Hannah G.  But good for Hannah G!  She seems to be playing it cool and staying true to herself.  From what we could see, she did not stoop to their level and did not gossip.  She listened to what Hannah B was saying, but didn't add any fuel to the fire. 

• In the end, Annie, who grew up in Wisconsin but attended . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . Yup!  You guessed it!  Alabama!  #RollTide went home last night.  And some other girls.  IDK.  This early in the season I don't even know if they have names or if they are just called Girl like in Birdbox (i.e., Girl #1, Girl #2, Girl #3).