I hope y'all are happy now

This was a very, very heavy John Paul Jones episode and I'm here for it!  Finally!  I’m still processing the weirdness of it all, but his adorkability helps.

Who would have thought that the romantic hero we all needed was blond, baffling, and bilious? Who knew the man we were all looking for was someone who would laugh at his own jokes like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas while talking like Ralph Lauren Spicoli. Me!  That's who!  I've been saying it all along people!  Pay attention!  There’s only one man shaving his own nipples and cartwheeling into our hearts, and his name is JOHN PAUL JONES — and, yes, you have to say all three.  Finally, we got what we (I) needed: two ROCK-SOLID HOURS of JOHN PAUL JONES madness.

 

We start off with Derek being sad about Demi breaking things off with him.  Kristina and Tayshia are looking for someone else to date. Kristina recommends Derek for Tayshia and she loves the idea so much, she heads off to end things with John Paul Jones right away.  Wait.  What?  I mean What.  The.  Actual.  Hell??  Look, none of us (other than JPJ.  "She's really the only woman I can envision a long-term relationship with" he says) really thought that the Tayshia and John Paul Jones “relationship” was going to stick, right? But Tayshia says she can’t see JPJ being her “future husband,” so she gently encourages him to go on a date with one of the new women scheduled to be arriving this week. This made me so sad.  JPJ is into her and tells her she's a pretty looking Beyoncé with really big eyes.  Wow.  That's romantic.  “I just want to make sure you’re happy,” she says. In other words, I’m gonna play the field, bro, and you should too.  Instead of Tayshia framing the conversation as her wanting to explore other connections, she asks John Paul Jones, "Is there anyone else you want to see come down the stairs?" When he says that he wouldn't really want to go on dates with anyone other than her, she insists that he should go on dates if he wants. Really, JPJ. Like, you should totally go on dates if you want to. 

 

So how does this manifest? Tayshia has just decided that she’s ready to settle down with a Serious Man, so she’s no longer interested in an untroubled boy like JOHN PAUL JONES. It’s this odd combination of “He’s Older So He’s a Man” and “I Need a HUSBAND” that leads to Tayshia unleashing the Chaotic Wholesome that is JOHN PAUL JONES into the world. She tells him that he should take advantage of everything Paradise has to offer.

 

And Paradise has to offer Tahzjuan.  You rememeber Tahjuan, don't you?  Tazjuan "I was there for two seconds."  From Colton's season?  Well, Tahzjuan just walked down the stairs, and she has her hard, little heart set on JPJ. Tahzjuan is really hot.  For real.  She's sweaty and overheating.  I don't know if she's pre-menapausal or if this is poor planning on  her part.  She didn’t clearly didn't pack well before heading into Paradise. This bitch did not buy sunscreen. This bitch did not pick out a setting spray or matte foundation. She also did not familiarize herself with the temperature in Mexico. She’s too warm and she’s not having fun. Also, Tahzjuan is saying everything a bad bitch would say but she does not have the actual attitude of a bad bitch. She’s talking smack but she’s also about to cry. “I’m here to take everyone’s man … [sniffle].”  Also, as Blake confirms, "She wasn't at Stagecoach."  I see what you did there Blake.  Very funny. 

Tahzjuan asks JPJ on her date and he agrees. After taking a shower and doing some manscaping, he says, "Well, Tayshia, I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for you. But if you really want me to go on this fucking date, I'll do it."  JPJ escorts Tahzjuan to dinner, though he’s still very much hung up on Tayshia. It also seems like he might have arrived at dinner already drunk, or high, or maybe he’s just insane?

 

The date is one of the oddest ones in BiP history. For some reason, both Tahzjuan and JPJ are extremely giggly to where they can barely talk. He asks her the "epitimology" of her name. They talk about whether you're supposed to eat the "date food." Tahzjuan seems to simultaneously think it's fake and will give her salmonella, and she might have a point because JPJ seems to get sick after eating the congealed date food. (It may have something to do with why he barely function the whole next day. Just saying.) After JPJ defies the laws of Bachelor date food, they go swimming and make out. Tahzjuan says, "John Paul Jones might be the strangest man I've ever met, but I love strange." She really does, as you'll see. "I'm having the best time!" she says. 

 

Slow your roll Tahzjuan.  Here comes Haley (aka one-half of “the Twins” from Ben’s season). Her sister Emily has a longtime boyfriend now, and so Haley is looking for a “goofy” guy of her own.  And she, too, has her sights set on JPJ. The poor guy only has his sights set on sleep, but he agrees to go on a date with Haley after some coffee and a nap. Seeing JPJ walk away with Haley is too much for Tahzjuan to bear.  She half-faints from dehydration and then asks the medical team for some   “guacamole and TOR-TIYYA chips.” Same Girl.  Same.  At one point, Tahzjuan takes a sip of her drink and lets the entire thing dribble out of her mouth. She stands and screams into the ocean. She’s eating spaghetti in the pool alone while crying, which is what the kids call “a mood.”

Meanwhile, Haley and JPJ are getting along famously on their date.  This is a match made in blonde hair heaven.  He agrees to her date offer. They ride horses. When they come across a beach, JPJ says, “I should have brought my goggles.” That’s a man who lives to get wet.They drink champagne. He rubs sunblock all over her butt. Things go well.

When they get back from their date, Tahzjuan declares that horseback riding is “lame” and demands to know whether Haley and JPJ kissed (they did). It’s very awkward.  Tahz’s “jokes” that she considered spitting in Haley’s wine. She also keeps going on about how she and JPJ are seagulls while Haley is a pigeon.  The Twin steps away so JPJ can sort things out with Tahz, which he does by making a rambling toast that ends with, “I’m physically and emotionally drained right now.”

Now that Derek has had 12 whole hours to get over his breakup with Demi, Tayshia thinks he’s ready to start dating again. “Derek is someone that stood out to me since day one,” she says.

Unfortunately, Derek still can’t even talk about Demi without crying, and he’s not even sure he should stay in Paradise. “I don’t know how to take a next step while I’m here,” he says sadly. Tayshia tells him to take some time and reflect before he makes any decisions.

 

Meanwhile, back at the resort, Caelynn is talking to Demi and bartender Wells about Dean.  While she doesn't seem to have asked for advice, they have a lot of it. “I’ve never felt more comfortable and more myself with anyone,” gushes Caelynn. She wants to push aside her worries about Dean’s “reputation,” but Demi warns Caelynn to keep her guard up. “He has a way of making people feel really special,” she says. “You need to lay down the law.” Wells agrees: “No one’s been able to, like, wrangle him.”

 

They think she needs to make her feelings very clear to him, so if he leaves her for someone else, he won't be able to claim he didn't know where she stood. Bachelor in Paradise is weird in that you don't necessarily want to define the relationship after only a few days together, but if you don't, the person will keep going on dates. (And sometimes even if you do make yourself clear, they make out with someone else in a pool right in front of you.)

 

Suitably chastened, Caelynn decides it’s time to have a “serious” conversation with Dean about their future… or lack thereof. The next morning, she pulls Dean to a daybed and asks him to clarify whether he’s serious serious about her, or just TV serious about her. He couldn't be more blunt. This is good as far as honesty goes, but bad for Caelynn.  

 

"I just want to know where your head’s at," Caelynn says. Dean responds, "All I know is I'm enjoying spending time with you." That’s the good news. Now for the gut-punch: “I suck at dating. It’s challenging for me to see myself getting to a point where I’m like, ‘All right, I’m ready to settle down now.” "I don't want to go to dinner parties on Saturday night and talk about our feelings and emotions." The first part of that sentence sounds alright, but, oof, the ending. "It’s basically like a 'convince me otherwise' situation," he says of not wanting to continue a relationship outside of Paradise. "And I think you would be miserable as my girlfriend." Well, damn.  There will be no “normal life” and Saturday-night dinner parties for Deanie Babies!  Caelynn does NOT love it. “This just feels like it’s gonna stop after Paradise,” she says. Dean does not deny that prediction.  

 

Caelynn says in her confessional, "I guess it's my mistake for thinking everyone comes here with the intention of having a relationship." Um, it's not your fault. That's the point of the show. Sure, not everyone ends up being there for the right reasons, but they are at least operating under the general idea that they'd be cool with dating someone. As we'll talk about further down, Kristina seems to be cruising by just so she can hangout at a resort, but even that is different than starting to date someone and then telling them you don't really want to date anyone on a dating show.

 We also see Blake telling Caitlin that she’s “100 percent” getting his rose.  Oh hey, there’s Kristina! She wants to make sure that Blake is making “good use” of his rose: “If you’re not sure about Caitlin, you shouldn’t lead her on.” Then she pulls out her big guns: “I kept your ass around.” The reverse pep talk seems to work because Blake then turns around and tells Caitlin that he’s “not 100 percent sure” what he’s going to do with his rose. Comedy! And also, as Caitlin puts it, a pretty “s—-y” move.

JPJ, meanwhile, goes from doing cartwheels on the beach with Tahzjuan to play-fighting with Haley on the daybed about whether it’s rude to say “yo” to your girlfriend. But in his heart of hearts, he still wants Tayshia. She, however, wants something else.

Caelynn is also ready to move forward with Dean, even though he’s a homeless commitment-phobe. But hey, he sang her happy birthday! That’s good enough. As for Katie, she’s determined to fix things with Chris before he gives his rose to Jen. “I wanted you to know that I want to be with you 100 percent,” she tells him. “I don’t want you to doubt where my head’s at.” Chris still seems conflicted and hesitant, so Katie almost literally spells it out one more time: “I want to be with you, Chris Bukowski.”

It’s time for the cocktail party. The unoccupied women all head in with an agenda. Tayshia is going to lock down Derek.  After a crazy couple of days in Paradise, JPJ is still into Tayshia. We find out more about his feelings when Tayshia and Derek hit it off at the party before the rose ceremony. Derek tells Tayshia, "We have this friendship weird thing and I would like to break that barrier and see where this takes us."

 

JPJ pulls Demi aside to hang out with her and Kristian is upset to see Demi maybe flirting with someone. She says, “This is not what I signed up for.” That's funny.  I didn't realize she actually signed up for this.  She also makes the really great point that there’s no one there for Kristian to be tempted by. So they’re just not even pretending to be part of the show anymore. We’re just watching two people go on a couple’s trip.

 

It’s time for the rose ceremony and Chris says they’re going to be doing things a little differently. Demi is going to give Kristian a rose first and — oh, that’s it? Okay. “Paradise is all about finding love, no matter what that looks like,” says Harrison, adding that he’s going to “change the rules” by letting Demi hand out the first rose of the evening.   Obviously Demi and the producers discussed the possibility of her bringing Kristian to Paradise before she even arrived. 

 

Dylan gives Hannah his rose, Clay picks Nicole, Mike picks Sydney, Dean gives his rose to Caelynn. Blake gives his rose to Kristina because he’s just bad decisions personified. Derek gives his rose to Tayshia.  Ok.  I get it.  JPJ gives his rose to Haley even though she’s his second choice, and Chris gives his rose to Katie. Caitlin, Tahzjuan, and Jen are going home.  At least Tahzjuan will have some air conditioning in her future.

The episode ends with Dean taking Caelynn down to the beach to talk. No one knows if it's going to be positive or not, including Caelynn. She's even more into him at this point, because he gave her a birthday cake at the cocktail party. Maybe he had a change of heart on the whole going to dinner parties and talking about emotions thing.  We all can see the breakup (ON HER BIRTHDAY) coming a mile away.

 

To be continued …

 

Rico Bye!

Paradise giveth, and Paradise taketh away.  Last night Paradise  took Jordan and Christian away from the show but not before giving Bachelor Nation a look at their piñata throwdown in its full, ridiculous glory.

The last episode of ABC's Bachelor in Paradise left us literally in the middle of a physical fight. A physical fight that started because of a piñata. The Mayor (Jordan Kimball) decided to knock down the piñata Rico Suave (Christian Estrada) had set up for Numnuts Nicole which then led to them pushing each other back and forth...

And this is where last night's episode picks up.  After the pushing escalates, The Mayor of Paradise body slams Rico Suave off of one of those daybed platform things and they continue trying to fight each other on the beach. At this point, security rushes in to pull them off each other. Jordan moves away from the situation with no problem, but Rico Suave breaks free and tries to run back to The Mayor.  Jordan. Twice. Of course, the, like, eight security guards catch him easily. Rico also takes off his shirt while security is walking him away.  Because.  Ya' know.  He's Rico Suave.   

This goes on for a few minutes, even after producers and security get involved. Christian keeps trying to break free to pummel Jordan, who keeps calling him a “bitch.” “I would be pissed if I was Christian, too,” mumbles Blake, while Mike faults “both parties” for being stupid. As for Nicole, her reign as Queen of Paradise has come to an abrupt and sobering end. “It’s one thing to be, like, this fiery guy, but it’s another thing to put someone in danger and, like, physically hurt someone.”

 

The production team agrees. “Anybody who touches anybody else, we can’t have it,” a producer tells Rico.  Though the rest of the contestants are worried that production is going to be shut down completely (again), Troop Leader Chris Harrison arrives to tell them that The Mayor and Rico have been sent home… and it’s back to business as usual in Paradise.  "We had to send two men home," Nicole says, dramatically. Well, they served their time.

 

Speaking of NumNuts, with Rico Suave on the next flight back to Miami, she conveniently finds comfort in Clay Harbor once again. She wanted a man who would be more aggressive in pursuing her, she says of the fight, "but not like this." Nicole and Clay kiss on a daybed next to what appears to be an unacknowledged plate of petit fours. All is well.

Also with Jordan and Christian gone, now only two men are set to leave at the rose ceremony. Two men gone means two more men get to stay this week. But who will give Paradise’s current floaters — Cam, Kevin, Wills, and JPJ — a rose? One possible source: Onyeka. “I have the power!” she says. “Like, woo me.” Anyone? Anyone? But no one seems interesting in forming a “connection” with her.  The rose that is most up in the air is Hannah Godwin's.  Poor Hannah's debating between Vitamin B and Vitamin D.  I see what you did there Hannah! 

 

Dylan takes his shot by setting up a picnic spread complete with a cheese plate and Hannah’s favorite candy, gummy worms.   Blake tries to top that by commissioning a mariachi quartet by saying, "Tonight I want to remind you why you have a little bit of a crush on me" and they swing dance (Blake's signature move).  Nobody swing dances to Cielito Lindo! Even so, Hannah LOVES it.   Blake and Hannah start making out, right where Dylan can see them. "Everyone’s like, 'Don't watch,'" says Dylan. "I'm like, 'I need to see it.'" He cries.  Man, can this guy cry!  Again with the smooching Blake right in front of Dylan! “Hannah, come on, baby,” says Mike The Man. “Don’t do my boy Dylan like that… You know better.” “She’s putting me through so much s—,” says Dylan through tears. “It’s not fair.” Again with the crying.  

 

On to the Rose Ceremony! 

 

Before the ceremony even begins, Onyeka Ehie announces that she'll be leaving. As she says in her confessional, "I just feel like I've been passed by by every person here ... The same girls are going on the same dates." That really sucks. It also sucks that this is hard for her to the point where she feels she can't just chill on the beach and drink margaritas with Wells Adams. You can tell the pressure really got to her.

Chris Harrison is mid-preamble when Onyeka interrupts. “Can I say something really quick?”
“I can’t give out a rose to anyone tonight,” she says tearfully. “I’ve met amazing friends, so I’m not leaving here with nothing.”  With this revelation, now three guys are going home.

Demi gives her rose to Derek.  Katie gives her rose to Contestant Emeritus Chris Bukowski.  NumNuts Nicole gives her rose to Clay (turns out she doesn’t want a spicy assertive rageaholic after all!).  Caelynn gives her rose to Dean and Tayshia asks JPJ to accept her rose which he replies "Yas Queen!"  Sydney (why is she still here????) gives her rose to Mike the Man.  Hannah gives her rose to (cue the suspenseful music) Dylan.  Mike is to see Blake get the shaft.  Basically everyone but Blake is grinning ear-to-ear over this development. Hannah thanks Dylan for being “patient” and “understanding” and “awesome” before handing him the rose. Everyone is happy about her decision.  And this is where I take issue. 

 

Obviously, I'm a little biased when it comes to Hannah G because I do think she's a very sweet girl.  I find Dylan creepy and obsessive.  He had his eyes set on Hannah before the show even started and I think he covets her in a trophy way.  He's in love with the idea of her.  Not with her.  And I'm annoyed that everyone in Paradise is convinced she's breaking his heart.  He knows what he signed  up for.  She feels pressure to be with Dylan because he's a good guy and Blake is not.  The other Runner-Ups just need to lay off and stay in their lanes (I'm looking at you Tayshia). 

 

And then, in a bizarre, unforeseen twist, Kristina gives her rose to Blake!  Wait.  What???  The cast is positively shook about Kristina and Blake. Why would she choose Blake? Does she really think he deserves a second chance at love like she says? 

 

Well, after the ceremony she goes up to Blake and says, "Welcome to your personal hell, because you're going to be here to watch [Dylan and Hannah]." Wow. This is like when she asked Blake on a date and told the camera, "I'm going to make him my bitch."  She's cold as ice.  And I like it.  She could have given her rose to Wills, Kevin, or even AlwaysBeCam, for crying out loud!  Instead, those three dudes are going home. Fare thee well, guys! We’ll probably see at least one of you on the beach next season.  Cam says "Always Be Crying" as he makes his exit.

The next day, a new lady enters Paradise. I vaguely remember this woman from Colton’s season of The Bachelor, but nothing really jumps out.  After getting the polite brush-off from Dean, Derek, and JPJ, Caitlin decides to ask her old Stagecoach buddy Blake on the date.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  In what has to be the greatest moment of the night, Blake confirms, "We met at Stagecoach.  Nothing happened!” Are you shitting me right now??  Good lord, was there some kind of Bachelor Nation tent at the festival or something? In case anyone was wondering about Stagecoach:  here's the link to the 2019 line-up:  https://www.stagecoachfestival.com/lineup#/artists/alphabetical  Some pretty big names.  2020 dates for the Indo, CA festival have been announced:  April  24-26. 

 

Either way, Blake is just happy that someone is into him. Their date activity is Tantric yoga.  Let’s get those sexual chakras flowing.  

After the intense stretching, Blake fills Caitlin in on his Paradise (and pre-Paradise) history with the women on the beach. It is a long monologue punctuated only by Caitlin’s confused “Uh-huhs.” When Blake’s finished, Caitlin assures him that it’s all “fine,” and they make out in the pool. 

 

Producers are all, Don’t get too happy too quick, Blake! As soon as he and Caitlin return from their date, Sydney finds a date card addressed to Dylan. Of course, he asks Hannah to come, much to Blake’s chagrin. “It sucks that they’re, like, dating right in front of me,” he complains.

 

Moving away from that mess, Dylan and Hannah finally get some alone time that isn't full of tears and the threat of Hannah and Blake breaking into dance. At dinner, Dylan can’t help but be a little too eager. First, he tells Hannah that the reason he fought so hard for her is because he was inspired by his mom, who fiercely held the family together when his dad was diagnosed with cancer. Then, he drops a partial l-bomb: “I’m starting to fall in love with you.” She doesn’t reciprocate exactly, but Hannah assures Dylan that she is “all in” with him.  Um.  Congratulations??  “I know that she’ll get there,” says creepy Dylan. And cue the Aztec warrior-dancers!

 

Back at the beach, Katie and Chris are being all flirty and cute. He thinks his sixth Bachelor show might really be the charm. Back in 2015, Chris hit “rock bottom” when he exited Paradise by walking through a beach bonfire. Today, though, he’s “in a better place” and “excited about Katie.”

 

And Tayshia and John Paul Jones are also all flirty and cute. JPJ admits that he feels "like a nervous schoolboy," "completely incapacitated," and "foolish even going after her." But he also calls Tayshia "the most incredible woman [he's] ever met in [his] life." He can't believe a woman as beautiful as her is giving him the time of day, and even says he's starting to fall in love with her.

 

JPJ reveals to Tayshia that he was in a serious relationship after college and was close to getting engaged, but he decided she wasn’t the one. “I’ve known for a long time that I’m ready to settle down,” he says. “I’m looking forward to spending more time with you.” Indeed, JPJ is a little sad that he didn’t get to see much of Tayshia until night fell, but she has a perfect excuse: “It’s not my fault that you take 12 naps a day, JPJ!” Wow, this man may be my spirit animal.

 

“I think it’s bizarre that JPJ and I are hitting it off like we are,” she admits. “He’s extremely intelligent and very good to look at.” And she seems to be into it, going in for a kiss and admitting in confessional interviews that there's a lot more to JPJ than meets the eye. Although what meets the eye is, as she puts it, "a really hot version of Heath Ledger," which is nothing to sneeze at either.  My prediction for season's end is that JPJ and Tayshia won't necessarily walk away engaged, but they will have a cute time in the fantasy suite and leave with each other's final roses.

 

The final act of this episode however, is all about Demi. Derek, The John Krasinski lookalike, says Demi is helping to heal his “wounded heart.” Unfortunately, Demi is still thinking about Kristian, the woman she was dating back home. “One of them deserves to have all of me.” It’s hard for her to make a choice, Demi continues, when one of her options isn’t there with her in Paradise. Hmmm… something tells me that’s going to change. But first…

 

Yes, former Bachelorette Hannah Brown has flown all the way to Mexico to give Demi a pep talk about being her true self, etc. As soon as she’s done catching up with Hannah, Demi pulls Derek aside for an “open and honest” and, one would think, share some news with him about how she feels. But instead, it's just the same thing she's been saying all along about liking him and liking the the girl back home.  “I really, really think about [Kristian] a lot, and I have so many feelings for her,” she says. “And I have so many feelings for you, too, and I’m so confused.”   And as he has been all along, Derek is chill and says he just wants to spend whatever time with her he can.  Derek is understandably disappointed, but he believes that they have a “special connection” and he doesn’t want to walk away from their relationship yet. “It’s okay to not know how you feel,” he adds. “I’m not giving up now… I want you in my life.” Awww, is this guy a gem or what?

 

And the episode ends on a cliffhanger (of course!) with Demi requesting to speak with Chris Harrison. 

 

 

BIP

As I was new to The Bachelor and the Bachelorette, I am a first-timer when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise.  The first time I had heard about the show was when there was some inappropriate behavior and filming was stopped.  IDK the particulars so I will just leave it at that. 

Here's a list of the Bachelor In Paradise 2019 players if you need a quick recap: 
https://ftw.usatoday.com/2019/08/bachelor-in-paradise-2019-cast-guide-photos

Last night was episode #3 (or, the first episode of week #2 -- the show airs on Monday's and Tuesday's) and consists of, for lack of a better word, the "unchosen" from previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  IDK what they call the people on BIP.  Are they called the "cast?"  Are they called "daters" or "former" Bachelors or Bachelorettes?  Someone enlighten me please! 

This show is weird to me on so many levels.  Similar to the Bachelor or Bachelorette, I've noticed that several "contestants" have mentioned that their goal is to be engaged by the end of the show.  Much like The Amazing Race or Survivor, everyone seems to have a plan going in.  Like Survior, "the unchosen" go home after each rose ceremony.  Unlike the Amazing Race, the "contestants" don't seem to do much.  They just kind of hang around the house (which is insane BTW) and wait to go on dates.  It's reminds me of a harem or the minors.  Everyone one is just lounging around until they get called up to the big leagues.  The "unchosen" have obviously watched previous seasons and know in advance who they are attracted to and interested in.  A couple of unexpected/unannounced "contestants" are also thrown into the mix to liven things up.  Last night we saw Mike the Man from Hannah Bannanas season show up and some tool named Jordan.  Holy shit.  That guy is a total ass clown. More on him later. 

Let's talk about the two Instagram-feuding "contestants" Blake and Caelynn (Caeylnn, IMHO is a trouble-maker.  I do not like her).  After being portrayed as a bed-hopping, music-festival man-whore on last week’s episodes, Blake took to social media to defend himself. He released texts from Caelynn which he says proved they were both just looking for a no-strings-attached hookup. She, in turn, spoke out and said those texts were “not an accurate representation” of their relationship.  Whatever.  They both behaved badly and she came on the show to make him look bad.  They are both idiots. 

There was a rose ceremony last night and Derek (IDK who this guy is) gives his rose to Demi which she accepts with a lusty, “Yeah, bitch!”  Kind of anti-climatic for me since it was leaked that Demi has a girlfriend back home.  Clay gives his rose to Nicole (who was so, so whiney on Colton's season; I think she cried every episode she was in).  Wills (IDK who this guy is) gives his rose to Katie and Kevin gives his rose to Sydney (IDK who either of these people are).  My personal favorite, JPJ gives his rose to Onyeka and ABC Cam gives his rose to Caelynn.  Caelynn clearly made out with him last just to get rose and not be "eliminated."  I do not like her.  Before Blake has his big chance, Dylan gives his rose to Hannah.  Blake, in turn, gives his rose to Tayshia.  Tayshia took Blake's rose only because she wants to stay for the free vacay.  "I'm not a backup plan, and that's what he thinks I am," she says in her confessional. "So, Blake who?"  Contestant Chris gives his rose to Kristina. That means Jane (I think she was the one who tried to kill JPJ last week with poisoned tacos), Bibiana, and Annaliese (IDK who any of these people are) have been eliminated, must extinguish their torches and leave the island at once. 

 

Jordan, the self-proclaimed “Mayor of Paradise,” arrives to a less-than-enthusiastic reception (“Don’t everybody get up at once to meet me!” he jokes).  Even with a date card in hand, poor Jordan can’t get anyone to go out with him.  First, Jordan chats up Hannah; she’s a model too, so Jordan thinks they could be a “Barbie and Ken” power couple. She tells him his eyes are "bomb"; he tells her "You're cuter than I imagined"; and together they recap all the Blake drama. "[Blake's] putting his spoon in all the pudding," Jordan declares. "But this is my beach." He decides to go ahead and ask Hannah on a date and she says "yes."  The whole convo was weird and kind of like rapid-fire dating.  It was like an interrogation or a shady back alley business deal.  The guy is slimy and very full of himself. 

 

Next, he pulls Nicole aside, and when she tells him that she works as a writer, his response is absurd perfection: “I love words.” Once he starts hearing about all of Blake’s pre-Paradise shenanigans, though, Jordan gets distracted from his date mission and asks Kristina to give him the full scoop on the Stagecoach drama. “Blake one-nighted both of these gals like they were a couple of milk cartons at lunch!” he marvels. “You can’t do that, buddy!” 

 

Unfortunately for Jordan, Hannah has a change of heart.  Hannah realized that having two men after her (Dylan and Blake) was more than enough already.  The c–k-blocked Jordan channels all of his irritation in Blake’s direction. “I didn’t come to Blake in Paradise season 1,” he grumbles. “This is Bachelor in Paradise season 6!” To that end, the male model (?) pulls Blake aside to air his grievances, Festivus-style. “I know you. You are better than this,” he tells Blake. “It’s gonna get real crazy if there’s eight girls here saying they’re seeing you. It does not look good.”

On to his Paradise Plan B: Nicole! Jordan tells her that he “respects” her connection with Clay, but that doesn’t mean they can’t go on a date and have some fun, right? Right! Nicole is definitely into Clay, but she also can’t resist the spotlight of attention that a Paradise date brings. “I went from going on zero one-on-one dates on The Bachelor to going on, like, two back-to-back one-on-one dates,” she says with a giggle. “I’m the Bachelorette in Paradise!”  She's an idiot.  Little does Nicole know that Jordan tells the camera and all of Bachelor Nation that she wasn't his first choice. 

Clay handles it well. “In basketball, if you’re open for a shot… and somebody comes out of nowhere and swats it, you can’t be like, ‘Bro, why’d you block my shot?’ That’s the name of the game.”  He goes on to do a bunch of sports analogies like ice being slippery and a some other babble.  All of the women force fake laughter.  Jordan and Nicole have a good time ziplining. Doesn’t Nicole look like she’s having fun????  To be fair, that helmet-cam angle is not very flattering. Even though she had fun on her date with Jordan, Nicole returns to the beach and heads right back into Clay’s arms. “There’s no comparison,” she says, smooching him.

Cam has been laser-beam focused on Caelynn since before he came to Paradise. “Before I was even on The Bachelorette, I wanted her to be my Bachelorette,” he says. “It’s very surreal to think that in a very short period of time, I could be proposing to Caelynn.”  Whoa.  Just Whoa.  Slow your roll, buddy. Caelynn just needed a rose this week.  And she definitely does not need you to read her a two-page handwritten note about how into her you are. Sample line: “I licked my lower lip, and your jalapeno-rita spice still lingered and brought me such joy.”  She looked less than thrilled and not very nice as her read his love letter.  I do not like her. 

                               

Fortunately for us all, help is on the way!  Mike Johnson, owner of the best smile in Bachelor Nation and the man who many of us would like to see as the next Bachelor, has arrived. Cam is bummed because, in his mind, Mike is the reason Hannah Brown sent him home on The Bachelorette. 

Though Onyeka is clearly infatuated with Mike, he asks Caelynn on the date instead. Cam is devastated — a little too devastated, to be honest. “I was born to be a husband, I was born to be a father,” he says tearfully. “It’s gonna happen… I just want it to be here.” Too bad Caeyln looked like a hot sweaty nervous mess on her date with Mike.  Ick.  I do not like her. 

Having struck out with Hannah last week, Wills gives his rose to Katie and then attempts to make his “intentions” known with a private chat the next night. “I feel like you’re such an amazingly beautiful woman, not just physically,” he says. “I feel like you deserve the world, and you deserve someone to take you on a date every single night you’re here.” It’s a lovely sentiment that makes Katie cry… but not in the happy-tears kind of way. She shuts him down and starts crying and just seems incredibly overwhelmed by everything. (In her own words on Twitter, she was "malfunctioning," which is both a hilarious and highly accurate way to put it.).  She's basically incoherent and the only words we hear from her are:  “shut this door” and “it’s not going to be between us right now.”

Out of nowhere here comes some guy named Chris.  “My favorite part of the day is always talking to you,” he says. “It’s easy for me to be open with you.” Suddenly, they’re smooching on the day bed.  From what I can gather, this is not Chris B's first rodeo.  

Producers made sure that Dylan got to go before Blake at the rose ceremony, so he starts the week with the upper hand in this love triangle. But Blake isn’t giving up. “Even though Hannah got her rose from Dylan, I think me and Hannah really do have something special,” he says. “I won’t let any other guys down here come between us.”

Demi and Katie both try to warn Hannah against Blake. It’s obvious to them, and to all of America, that Dylan is the true-blue guy in this scenario. Just look at how happy he is when Hannah tells him she’s not going on a date with Jordan!  I cannot disagree more.  I find Dylan to be smothering and slightly creepy.  And my gay-dar went off big time when he was on Hannah Banannas season. 

Not all of the “ladies” in Paradise trust Hannah or her intentions. “There’s a lot of red flags that Dylan is not seeing,” says Sydney. Oh, okay Sydney.  What about the red flags Hannah's not seeing from Dylan?  Huh, what about those?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.  Zip it Sydney.  “From what I’ve seen of Hannah, she went from really feeling Dylan one second, and then going in with Blake. If I were Dylan, I’d be pissed.”

Don’t worry, Sydney. Dylan is about to be very pissed, because Blake just stole Hannah for a romantic nighttime dance on the beach. “I’m all in,” he tells Hannah. “I wouldn’t be saying the things I’m saying unless I see, like, something past Paradise.” Apparently, the “spin-dancing” thing is Blake’s tried-and-true move: Both Tayshia and Kristina say he used it on them in the past. And dancing, of course, leads to kissing.
                                   And then things get hella awkward.  Dylan is creepily watching the action on the beach and after watching his crush smooch Blake for a few minutes, Dylan works up the courage to interrupt them. He asks Hannah to come chat with him, but Blake objects. “I feel like you’ve had her, like, all day man,” he says. “You’ve, like, shadowed her.” Dylan counters that he just wants to focus on Hannah, while Blake has been hitting on “every other girl here.” Burn! Blake, in turn, accuses Dylan of making Hannah feel uncomfortable, and on and on it goes. 

I've noticed that the male "contestants" behave like caveman and don't really seem to care what their female counterparts think.  Kind of like Luke P or douche canoe Jed, these guys have clearly set their sights on one woman and will stop at nothing to get her.  She's a prize to them rather than a love interest or life partner.  I love a strong, sexy alpha male as much as the next person but these guys are taking chest beating to a whole 'nother level. 

At this point I was a bit disappoint and frustrated as my girl Hannah she just stood there twirling her hair.  I don't know why she didn't say something to either or both of these hormonal neanderthals.  Instead she remains quiet and cute looking blankly at Dylan until he walks away. “She’s a freaking player!” grouses Tayshia. “Just like Blake.”

The episode ends with Dylan in his confessional wondering if Hannah and Blake hooked up prior to BIP.  The trailer for the next episode shows one of "ladies" asking "did you fly to Alabama?" 

Still not enough JPJ in this episode. 

I just can't anymore

I realize I don't have a lot of viewing experience to help guide me through Bachelor Nation (I've only watched Colton's season of The Bachelor prior to Hannah Banana's season).  I'm still a newbie.  But Holy Mother of God.  I just can't with this girl anymore.  She's driving me insane. 

Last night's episode was the "hometown visits."  Our girl visited each of the final four's family and went on dates.  I'm still not over JPJ going home so my apologies if I sound bitter. 

Pete the Pilot

Pete the Pilot is adorable.  Absolutely adorable.  But I don't see much chemistry between these two.  He's sweet and nice and definitely the guy you want to bring home to your family.  And he's got a fun family, too.  Of all the hometown visits last night, Pete's family was my favorite. 

Pete (Peter?) starts off the visit with a drive in his gorgeous car.  I'm not a car person by any means but I can totally appreciate beautiful craftmanship.  While looking for some gum or Altoids in his car's center console, Hannah Bananas finds a condom.  It's the perfect analogy of their relationship: Sweet and funny with a touch of sexy (but not a whole lot).

Pete the Pilot then takes her flying and he works in a lot of flying puns (i.e., comments about soaring in love, etc.).  They kiss in mid-air which freaked me out.  It was the equivalent of texting and driving and I wanted to yell at him to keep both hands on the wheel! 

The couple then heads to his parents' house where they meet dad Peter, Barbara the mom and Pete the Pilot's younger brother whose name I did not catch.  The family is quirky and full of tradition, shouting a German prayer before they eat Cuban food. But they're also emotional.  Peter chokes up talking about his grandparents.  Which got me.  I loved loved loved my grandparents (especially my grandmother) and miss them every day. 
Hannah reassures Barbara, who knows Peter risks heartbreak, about her intentions: "I can see that it could be Peter and I at the end of this. I wouldn’t allow him to invest his heart into me if I didn't think that the end could be him and I."  I'm not even going to try to correct the grammar in Hannah speak.  It's not worth it. 

It's time for Tyler

Hannah then joins Tyler in his hometown of Jupiter, Florida.  The two go out on a boat where they seem to always have a great time together.  Tyler is clearly at home on the water (remember their lobster boat date?).  This time they are on a boat with minimal clothing versus heavy fisherman sweaters.  Hannah acknowledges there's a physical chemistry in their relationship, but wonders if he's ready for marriage. 

We're reminded of health issues Tyler's dad Jeff has faced (he nearly died two months before taping began) and learn he had a paralyzed vocal cord. Tyler and Jeff embrace in a tearjerker moment.
Jeff says he hasn't seen Tyler so happy in a long time, and he reassures Hannah that marriage is definitely something on Tyler's mind.

"You can't plan to fall in love," he tells her. "It just hits you right between the eyes. I'm ecstatic for him, if that's the way it all turns out." 

Will the real Luke please stand up?

Hannah meets Luke in Gainesville, Georgia and it was kind of jarring to be on his home turf.  The villagers weren't actively mad at him every waking second and we got to see a different side of Luke. 

Luke takes Hannah to "Sunday school," a prayer group he goes to before church every week. He recaps his drinking, partying and sex-chasing past and a heavenly epiphany he once had in the shower. I think the Southern, church-going, God-fearing part of Hannah feels affirmed by the goodness she's seen in him. 

Luke's family is taken aback when Hannah and Luke explain his drama on the series. We get a sense of the origins of Luke's narcissism when he chats with his dad.  "If she’s worth it to you, that means she’s worth you," Mike tells him. Luke can't see this not working out for him. And there he is!  The cocky Luke we've come to know and love (hate?).

Family time has done Luke some good -- he apologizes to Hannah and says he knows she may have concerns about getting where they need to be. He insists he's going to continue showing her who he is and that, without a doubt, he loves her and is looking at his future wife.  In an aside, she says she's falling in love with him (though, she confides, she hasn't fallen). A leopard doesn't change his spots.  Run Hannah!  Run!  

Jed is just that into you — but his family isn't

Our last hometown is in Tennessee with Jed.  Oh boy.  I positively cringed through this hometown visit.  I've never been a Jed fan (especially after last week when he told the older couple that he was "English."  Seriously dude?).  And this episode didn't do him any favors in my opinion.  Although I loved his family and what straight shooters they were.  My kind of people. 

During their time in Tennessee, Hannah and Jed visit a recording studio and write a song together. It's
sugary sweet and horribly cliched.  Made my teeth hurt.  "I love you," he tells her in the studio. "I can feel it."  I really think Big Head Jed was referring to himself though. 

When it's time to meet his family (and cute dog), however, they are just not feeling it.  His father Jerry questions whether Hannah and Jed have discussed his musical ambitions.  His mother Gina doesn't seem to trust Hannah and flat out asks Hannah if she's told all the other contestants that she's falling in love with them.  His sister says she's not sure that the match is a good thing. Ouch.  The sister actually reminded me of the old American Idol days when Randy Jackson used to say, "I'm just not feeling it dog."  I was hoping Mama Gina would break out a "bless her heart" or two.  You know she wanted to. 

Hannah says in an aside that she didn't get the validation she expected. The date is all too reminiscent of when Colton didn't get the approval he wanted from Cassie's father during last spring's "Bachelor" hometown episode.

So!  Who does Hannah send home? 

Turns out, no one.  Seriously.  She doesn't send anyone home.  And it's so stupid and drawn out and over dramatic.

When the group returns to Los Angeles for the rose ceremony Hannah gives roses to Peter and Tyler. Yay!!!  But before she can give the final rose . . . she seems to struggle with some inner turmoil and leaves the room.  With the damn final rose! 

Host Chris Harrison asks if she's OK, she replies she's not and can't make a decision. She just knows in her heart of hearts she'll be closing a door on a relationship that's not done. The rational choice would be to dump Jed.  The more obvious choice would be to send back home Luke to Georgia. 

Tyler tells Jed, "It'll be complete baloney if you don't get a rose," a little inside joke to last week's nonsense when Luke dropped bologna on Garrett's lap.  Hannah eventually returns.  Without a rose. She says he can't give out a final rose. What does that mean?!  Cue the dramatic music! 

Our "Bachelorette" pulls an Oprah: Everyone gets a humpback whale.  I mean rose!  I meant rose! 
Jed is a little put out by this sudden change of plans and says it doesn't even feel like he got a rose and doesn't want to be lumped in the same category as Luke.   I understand where he's coming from.  But given his family's ambivalence (and let's not even talk about the rumors circulating of his very recent girlfriend) perhaps he should just cool and it be happy to still be around.

 And yeah.  I'm still salty about JPJ. 

What I'm Watching Wednesday

Even though my beloved Dallas Stars haven't been on the ice in weeks, I guess I'll watch some of game 7 tonight.  Maybe I'll take a long bubble bath instead.  IDK.  I'd like to see St. Louis win.  Because.  Ew.  Boston.  And O'Reilly's got a good beard. 
https://www.nhl.com/news/blues-star-ryan-oreilly-buys-boston-fan-new-guitar/c-307813072

Time to talk about The Bachelorette!  Last week’s episode ended with a confrontation between the Lukes (Luke P and the other Luke whose last initial I've already forgotten).  Last night's episode opened with the group at a cocktail party still in Rhode Island.  Luke P is surrounded by his haters and he either doesn't realize how much the guys dislike him or he really doesn't give a rat's ass.  He has clearly adopted the classic "I'm not here to make friends" attitude.  Other Luke was outfoxed by his dim-witted namesis.  He quickly realized there could only be one Luke and decided to go home and work on his tequila company.  He pulled Hannah aside before she could start handing out boutonniere's, used the manners his mama taught him, said thank you for having me and just walked away.  Awkward.  And then that damn Chris Harrison sneaked into the room and snagged one of the roses off the table.  Wait.  What????  Why not just go with the flow and give that rose to another guy? 

Ultimately, Hannah eliminated a couple of guys I had never seen before (seriously, I think they were just seat fillers like they have at awards shows) and JPJ.  John Paul Jones, the show’s most irreverent, confusing contestant, meme-generator and best floppy hair award winner.  This is the man who taught himself how to ride a unicycle in a half-hour, the man who happily ate chicken nuggets as drama unfolded around him and screamed like a girl when he was hooked up to the labor simulator.  Why wasn't there a #SaveJPJ movement last night?  The producers had already booked flights and hotel rooms in Scotland and could’ve brought him along.  There was no #Justice4JPJ and KJ was devastated.  She said she's going to slide into JPJ's DM's and say something witty like, "meet your future wife."  Ha!  Ha!  Ha! 

But here’s the part that makes me the most mad:  Other Luke, you could have had a free trip to Scotland! Obviously, Other Luke thought he was going to get eliminated and wanted to save himself the humiliation. But for some reason known only to Other Luke himself, he couldn't just let it ride and ended up losing out on an all expenses paid trip to Scotland!  A week of free food and free drinks totally wasted.  A free trip to Scotland! They have castles and scotch and great accents and scotch and beautiful scenery and scotch!

Hannah’s first date of the week was with Mike. Nothing particularly special happened—they just walked around Scotland, exploring little stores and tasting scotch and visiting a pub. Have I mentioned Mike has an amazing smile? 

One of their first stops was at a bookstore where Hannah picked up two distinct items that she was not quite sure how to interact with. It was like Alien Hannah was dropped onto Earth in the middle of Inverness Scotland and she wandered aimlessly into a book store. 

First, she picked up a book and smelled it. This kind of makes sense—old books can have deep, rich, musty smells. Maybe she’s into that. I mean, I totally am.  But usually you inspect books by looking at them.  You know, judging their covers.  And she made a stupid comment about the smell of fresh books.  Girl, those were not fresh books. 

Next, she picked up an egg and held it to her ear. Like a seashell.  Did anyone else think it was weird that a bookstore had a bunch of eggs in a basket?  Anyone?  I don't know what the hell she was thinking.  Maybe she was nervous on her date with Mike?  I go back and forth with this girl.  Some times I think she's adorable and spunky and other times I think she's a flaming idiot.  Last week she couldn't complete a coherent thought regarding the Boston Tea Party, but this week she's an expert on Mary Queen of Scots and the tumultuous relationship between England and Scotland?  I don't think so. 

This week’s group date tried to go for a Scottish vibe by staging a cheesy edition of the Highland Games which showed off their athletic prowess (think "Hot Men in Kilts" kind of calendar shoot). The contestants took part in axe throwing, a yoke race where the men carried two full buckets of milk and wrestling.  The inaccuracies of these "Games" killed me.  The Highland Games are a real thing and axe throwing nor milk racing are legitimate events. The big event at the Highland Games is the caber toss, where you throw a big log. There are also a lot of other events that involve tossing heavy stuff and a tug-of-war (which could’ve made sense as a Bachelorette activity). But axe tossing? That’s the new preferred unsafe activity of drunk hipsters across the nation. They could’ve done that in America (like I did a couple of weeks ago @ Corky's!).  Meanwhile, last week’s episode in Rhode Island featured rugby (which BTW, is not the official sport of Rhode Island).  The guys should’ve gone axe-throwing in Rhode Island and played rugby in Scotland. Or at the very least, they could’ve tried throwing a big-ass log while wearing their kilts.  And what was with the guy who spilled milk all over himself? 

Hannah gives the only Luke left a one-on-one date. Hannah wants him to be "the one" so badly (it's not her heart talking, it's her libido) but he's such an ass.  Hannah has said that her relationship with Luke is stronger than her relationship with anybody else. Unfortunately, Luke has handled every interaction with every other person so poorly that just five episodes in, he’s in serious jeopardy of getting kicked off the show.  When he gets the boot, it's going to be spectacular.  It's going to be a dumpster fire and I'm here for it.  Their date went so badly, Hannah decided she couldn’t bring herself to give him a rose. 

On the date, she explained that while his "all-for-Hannah strategy" might seem like the politically correct thing to do or say, she’s actually getting rather disturbed by the fact that nobody likes him. She’s looking for someone who’s friendly, someone whom “people are drawn to,” someone where “what’s inside is appealing.” In response, Luke dug deep and busted out his worst line yet: “Everyone I’ve ever met, every place, every school I’ve ever been, everyone loves me.” Hannah groaned. Luke kept going. “I hate saying it, but it’s the truth. I hate talking about myself!”

The sad thing is, Luke is probably right.  I'll bet most people (most women with a pulse and probably a lot of men) initially love him. He’s extremely handsome and athletic. Not surprisingly, people want to be friends with hot athletic people. Luke seems to have adopted a strategy of saying whatever it is he thinks the person he’s talking to wants to hear.  He's smooth.  He knows he's good looking so sure, it’s very possible that the focus groups he’s conducted on himself have come back with positive results. When Hannah says, “I want a guy who’s friends with people and hasn’t alienated everybody,” he thinks the right thing to tell her is “I’m actually extremely cool and popular everywhere I go.” It was clear Hannah was telling him that the toxic atmosphere in the house raised questions about his character. But in his mind, he heard “She wants a popular guy, sweet! I should tell her how cool I am!”

About 15 times during their interaction, Hannah tried to tell Luke that he was blowing it by talking to her in Bachelorette-speak—broad, diplomatic, meaningless tropes about how he’s “fighting for her” and how he “won’t give up on her” and stuff like that. She asked him to plainly speak to her like a person, about the things he likes, the things he dislikes, and how he’s feeling. It’s a pretty great moment of television: Hannah (who no speaks the words too good) tells Luke that she wants to have an actual connection and not an empty relationship filled with lines that sound good on reality TV.  Luke is simply incapable of doing it. He just doesn't get it.  He's a people pleaser.  It’s why he told Hannah he loved her from the get go.  It’s why every guy in the house thinks he’s a liar.  He tells the guys what they want to hear but then tells Hannah what she wants to hear.  Poor Luke isn’t even smart enough to even realize what “the right thing to say” is. What a tragedy. Hannah was taken by Luke’s extremely attractive outside, but eventually realized there was nothing inside. He's just an empty, good looking shell.  No substance.