Tuesday, July 9, 2019

I just can't anymore

I realize I don't have a lot of viewing experience to help guide me through Bachelor Nation (I've only watched Colton's season of The Bachelor prior to Hannah Banana's season).  I'm still a newbie.  But Holy Mother of God.  I just can't with this girl anymore.  She's driving me insane. 

Last night's episode was the "hometown visits."  Our girl visited each of the final four's family and went on dates.  I'm still not over JPJ going home so my apologies if I sound bitter. 

Pete the Pilot

Pete the Pilot is adorable.  Absolutely adorable.  But I don't see much chemistry between these two.  He's sweet and nice and definitely the guy you want to bring home to your family.  And he's got a fun family, too.  Of all the hometown visits last night, Pete's family was my favorite. 

Pete (Peter?) starts off the visit with a drive in his gorgeous car.  I'm not a car person by any means but I can totally appreciate beautiful craftmanship.  While looking for some gum or Altoids in his car's center console, Hannah Bananas finds a condom.  It's the perfect analogy of their relationship: Sweet and funny with a touch of sexy (but not a whole lot).

Pete the Pilot then takes her flying and he works in a lot of flying puns (i.e., comments about soaring in love, etc.).  They kiss in mid-air which freaked me out.  It was the equivalent of texting and driving and I wanted to yell at him to keep both hands on the wheel! 

The couple then heads to his parents' house where they meet dad Peter, Barbara the mom and Pete the Pilot's younger brother whose name I did not catch.  The family is quirky and full of tradition, shouting a German prayer before they eat Cuban food. But they're also emotional.  Peter chokes up talking about his grandparents.  Which got me.  I loved loved loved my grandparents (especially my grandmother) and miss them every day. 
Hannah reassures Barbara, who knows Peter risks heartbreak, about her intentions: "I can see that it could be Peter and I at the end of this. I wouldn’t allow him to invest his heart into me if I didn't think that the end could be him and I."  I'm not even going to try to correct the grammar in Hannah speak.  It's not worth it. 

It's time for Tyler

Hannah then joins Tyler in his hometown of Jupiter, Florida.  The two go out on a boat where they seem to always have a great time together.  Tyler is clearly at home on the water (remember their lobster boat date?).  This time they are on a boat with minimal clothing versus heavy fisherman sweaters.  Hannah acknowledges there's a physical chemistry in their relationship, but wonders if he's ready for marriage. 

We're reminded of health issues Tyler's dad Jeff has faced (he nearly died two months before taping began) and learn he had a paralyzed vocal cord. Tyler and Jeff embrace in a tearjerker moment.
Jeff says he hasn't seen Tyler so happy in a long time, and he reassures Hannah that marriage is definitely something on Tyler's mind.

"You can't plan to fall in love," he tells her. "It just hits you right between the eyes. I'm ecstatic for him, if that's the way it all turns out." 

Will the real Luke please stand up?

Hannah meets Luke in Gainesville, Georgia and it was kind of jarring to be on his home turf.  The villagers weren't actively mad at him every waking second and we got to see a different side of Luke. 

Luke takes Hannah to "Sunday school," a prayer group he goes to before church every week. He recaps his drinking, partying and sex-chasing past and a heavenly epiphany he once had in the shower. I think the Southern, church-going, God-fearing part of Hannah feels affirmed by the goodness she's seen in him. 

Luke's family is taken aback when Hannah and Luke explain his drama on the series. We get a sense of the origins of Luke's narcissism when he chats with his dad.  "If she’s worth it to you, that means she’s worth you," Mike tells him. Luke can't see this not working out for him. And there he is!  The cocky Luke we've come to know and love (hate?).

Family time has done Luke some good -- he apologizes to Hannah and says he knows she may have concerns about getting where they need to be. He insists he's going to continue showing her who he is and that, without a doubt, he loves her and is looking at his future wife.  In an aside, she says she's falling in love with him (though, she confides, she hasn't fallen). A leopard doesn't change his spots.  Run Hannah!  Run!  

Jed is just that into you — but his family isn't

Our last hometown is in Tennessee with Jed.  Oh boy.  I positively cringed through this hometown visit.  I've never been a Jed fan (especially after last week when he told the older couple that he was "English."  Seriously dude?).  And this episode didn't do him any favors in my opinion.  Although I loved his family and what straight shooters they were.  My kind of people. 

During their time in Tennessee, Hannah and Jed visit a recording studio and write a song together. It's
sugary sweet and horribly cliched.  Made my teeth hurt.  "I love you," he tells her in the studio. "I can feel it."  I really think Big Head Jed was referring to himself though. 

When it's time to meet his family (and cute dog), however, they are just not feeling it.  His father Jerry questions whether Hannah and Jed have discussed his musical ambitions.  His mother Gina doesn't seem to trust Hannah and flat out asks Hannah if she's told all the other contestants that she's falling in love with them.  His sister says she's not sure that the match is a good thing. Ouch.  The sister actually reminded me of the old American Idol days when Randy Jackson used to say, "I'm just not feeling it dog."  I was hoping Mama Gina would break out a "bless her heart" or two.  You know she wanted to. 

Hannah says in an aside that she didn't get the validation she expected. The date is all too reminiscent of when Colton didn't get the approval he wanted from Cassie's father during last spring's "Bachelor" hometown episode.

So!  Who does Hannah send home? 

Turns out, no one.  Seriously.  She doesn't send anyone home.  And it's so stupid and drawn out and over dramatic.

When the group returns to Los Angeles for the rose ceremony Hannah gives roses to Peter and Tyler. Yay!!!  But before she can give the final rose . . . she seems to struggle with some inner turmoil and leaves the room.  With the damn final rose! 

Host Chris Harrison asks if she's OK, she replies she's not and can't make a decision. She just knows in her heart of hearts she'll be closing a door on a relationship that's not done. The rational choice would be to dump Jed.  The more obvious choice would be to send back home Luke to Georgia. 

Tyler tells Jed, "It'll be complete baloney if you don't get a rose," a little inside joke to last week's nonsense when Luke dropped bologna on Garrett's lap.  Hannah eventually returns.  Without a rose. She says he can't give out a final rose. What does that mean?!  Cue the dramatic music! 

Our "Bachelorette" pulls an Oprah: Everyone gets a humpback whale.  I mean rose!  I meant rose! 
Jed is a little put out by this sudden change of plans and says it doesn't even feel like he got a rose and doesn't want to be lumped in the same category as Luke.   I understand where he's coming from.  But given his family's ambivalence (and let's not even talk about the rumors circulating of his very recent girlfriend) perhaps he should just cool and it be happy to still be around.


 And yeah.  I'm still salty about JPJ. 

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